Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
"Hope & Freedom for Sexual Addicts & Their Partners" .......By Milton S Magness D.Min
Chapter 13
Page 171-176
When Is It Time To Move On?.............................
It is common during the addiction and in the recovery when spouses or partners wonder if it time to end the relationship. This deserves additional attention. It is tragic that many marriages are destroyed because of Sexual Addiction. However, the discovery of compulsive sexual behaviour need not mark the end to a relationship, even if the activity has involved other people and perhaps many. If the sexual addict is willing to get help and address the problem, the relationship can be saved and can thrive in recovery.
Some individuals have the mistaken belief that if their spouse or partner has been unfaithful that they must get a divorce. Unfaithfullness is devastating, and spouses believe the acting out will occur again, and again. Rather than look for a way out, couples can look for ways to stay in relationships and put the pieces back together.
Addictions often develop over a lifetime. They are behaviours reinforced by years of acting out and powerful neorochemical highs. Recovery for many people is a series of starts and stops, and resolutions followed by relapses. Rather than seeing recovery as a steady uphill progression, it is more like a roller coaster with its ups and downs, yet all the time moving forward.
If an individual is committed to a program of recovery, even if he is continueing to have setbacks, there is reason to hope that he may be able to get free from all compulsive behaviour and live the rest of his life in sexual integrity. Do you lose hope?
When The Sexual Addict Refuses Help..........................
What about relationships where sexual addicts are not willing to get help? If your partner admits to having a problem with compulsive sexual behaviour but refuses to address that problem, it is time to consider ending the relationship.
Sometimes when a partner sets this boundary and the addict is convinced of the seriousness of the boundary, he may realise his only choice to save the relationship is to get help for his addiction. I have numerous cases where divorce papers had been filed, only to stop to legal proceedings when the sexual addict decides to get help.
This does not suggest threats of divorce or abandonment are to be used to manipulate sexual addicts into recovery. When a spouse reaches the point where she is getting ready to end the relationship, the decision is often to persuade the sexual addict to seek immediate help.
What about cases where the addicts continue to slip or relapse? This may also be the time to consider ending the relationship. If that happens, it is important to recognize that the addict's decision to put the addiction ahead of his partner resulted in forfeiting the relationship.
No-one does recovery perfectly. Unfortunately, amny have slips and relapses that punctuate their recovery. If steps are taken to rectify the situation and restore good recovery routines, the relationship is worth salvaging. If the sexual addict is not willing to do the work of reocvery, even after repeated opportunities to get help, it may be time to end the relationship. Moving on may mean leaving your spouse or partner trapped in his addiction. Therefore, your partner must accept that you will no longer allow yourself to be trumatized by continued acting out.
If this is the place you find yourself and you have given your partner repeated chances to get into recovery, but he refused or will not maintain program of sobriety, then you may feel that he has chosen his addiction over you. Ending the relationship is a difficult decision and one that you should make only after much soul searching and consulting with professionals and trusted friends. Life without your partner will be challenging and perhaps painful, but ask yourself, wouldn't that pain be less than remaining in the relationship if your partner's acting out never ended?
Often the sexual addict will do everything possible to save the relationship, when he realizes that the spouse is ready to end it. If the shock of the partner saying the relationship is over gets an addict into recovery, then he can be grateful that something was stronger than the power of addiction, and that was coming face to face with the loss of you and the relationship.
The Relationship is Over. What Went Wrong?.......................
In some cases the relationship was over before the partner knew the extent of the sposues addiction. Or the sexual addict announced that he had found someone who "really knows how to love me" and walked away from the relationship without trying to save it. Abrupt endings are devastating and leave lasting wounds.
Some individuals who are sexually addicted never get into recovery and continue to resist all offers of recovery. Their partners set boundaries, give ultimations, make impassionate pleas, and otherwise beg their partner to get into recovery and give the relationship a chance. But they find that they are powerless over their partners addictions and cannot bring them to recovery.
In other cases, recovery is not constant with some addicts and they continue to suffer slips and relapses. they make promises that they will stop their destructive behvaiour, but it never sticks. After a few sessions of therapy and a 12 step meetings, they declare themselves 'cured' and stop all recovery actions. The repeated relapses finally bring partners to the point of saying "Enough!!"
There are other relationships where the husband and the wife get into recovery but the relationship still does not work. For some cases there was too great of an imbalance in recovery; that is, one partner was well ahead of the other and the other never caught up. In some of these relationships, even though recovery appears to be going well for both, they cannot make the relationship work. The wounds of deciet are sometimes too deep to heal. In some cases, one or both partners are unable to move to a place of acceptance as a prelude to forgiveness so that healing can begin. There are some spouses hurt so much that they can never get to a place of healing.
It really does not matter what finally happened becuase the relationship is over. Wishing, hoping, crying, and pleading will not restore that which has been severed. If your relationship has ended, here are a few things about your future that you need to hear:
First, don't date until you have continued further in your own recovery journey. YOu need time to make sense of your feelings and concentrate on yourself. NO "rebound" relationship will provide the nurturing you now need. If you are dating, STOP immediately. You deserve to have time to take care of yourself. Life is not going to pass you by while you are concentrating on giving yourself what you need.
Second, you need time to heal. If you are not in therapy at present, start therapy immediately. You will need to do some intensive family-of-origin work, to work on childhood wounds that may be impacting your life today. This would also be a good time to find an EMDR therapist who can help you address your trauma issues.
It is especially important that you get professional help to determine the impact of the relationship with your former partner. You may be able to see some similarities in your former partner and other people with whom you have had relationships. In fact, some individuals are candid enough to admit that they seem to always end up with someone who is an addict or someone who is abusive to them. Addicts are often charming, persuasive, and focused on the person who is the object of their affections. If you have chosen an addict of any variety in any or perhaps every previous relatiosnhip, this would be a good time to asl yourself, "What do I need to do to heal, and quit living the same traumatic realtionship repeatedly?"
If this is you, you alone can change the next chapter of your life. You are the author of your future. No matter how long you have let others tell you how to live your life, you are free now to assume control of the events in your life. You deserve a healthy relationship. Do not settle for less!
This would also be a good time for you to cement relationships with other men or women who are healing from relationships that have damaged their self esteem. 12-Step organizations are important sources of support to individuals who have found themselves alone after the end of a relationship to a sexual addict. Even if there is not a 12-Step group for partners in your area, Co-SA online groups can be very beneficial.
( Or lovely groups like this here on DS.....lol)
Chapter 14
Page 177-179
Adventure in Recovery.................................
In the course of their recovery journey, I tell my clients that they will be able to look at themselves in the mirror and say, "YOu are a good person, " and know in their hearts that the words are true. Negative self talk that has plagued them since childhood gradually end and will be replaced with healing words. I believe recovery is truely an adventure. In the end, sexual addicts have a much fuller, richer, more meaningful life than if they had not had compulsive behaviours to concur.
Sexual Addiction recovery can be an adventure. As with many adventures, recovering from sexual addiction never stops. It continues throughout life. Sexual addicts never get to a point where all of their recovery work is done. They continue to face new challenges and additional parts of their character upon which to focus. Yet as long as they are living free from compulsive behaviour their addiction is behind them. Their journey of freedom continues and never has to stop.
As you continue through the many tasks of recovery, you will find challenges and numerous blessings. As you and your partner take this journey together, you will have the opportunity to work on some things that would have escaped your notice if it were not for addiction and recovery. In the Big Book of Alcoholics, in the section referred to as "the promises", it states that there will come a time when a person will "not regret the past nor wish to shut this door on it." While this seems unattainable, it becomes reality for many. Perhaps it is more fully realized when a couple takes the recovery journey together.
Certainly there are hurts and pains from the past that bring grief. There are things that recovering addicts regret. That regret is shared by their partners. Addiction wounds both the addicted and those who love them. It is a vicious cycle that can only be served by making a committment to do the work necessary to end all compulsive behaviour forever.
Recovery has many rewards. One is the ability to look back on a relationship that has grown in many ways not thought possible. Being in relationship with a sexual addict has its down sides for sure. But if the partner is doing solid recovery work and actively engaged to his or her own work, the relationship possesses a new dimension of richness that could not have come were it not for addiction and recovery.
The presence of sexual addiction in a relationship does not mean that a relationship must end. Nor does it mean that happiness must end. If both addict and the partner are willing to address the addiction, work on thier individual recoveries, and recover as a couple, there is every reason to hope for a good outcome for the relationship.
I am committed to counselling because I see miracles happen on a daily basis. I continually come meet individuals and couples who believe their happiness is at an end becuase of the compulsive sexual behaviour. But relationships do not always have to end.
I am constantly amazed at the changes that can take place in relationships through solid recovery work. I hear couples who have been in recovery several months state their relationship is better now than it has ever been. I have heard that enough times that I have come to expect that result when both are committed to doing whatever it takes to restore their relationship.
My desire for you and your partner is that you immerse yourself in recovery. I urge you to be willing to do the couragous and challenging work that is required. As Francis Bacon once said, "All rising to a great place is by a winding stair."
May your recovery journey of hope lead you to freedom.
About the Author
Page 203
Milton S Magness, is the founder and director of Hope & Freedom Counselling Services in Houston. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and a Lisensed Professional Counselor.
Dr Magness is on the board of directors of The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), formerly known as the President of the board of that organization. He studied with Dr Patrick Carnes, the foremost authority on sexual addiction, and had completed specialized study in the area of cybersex addiction. Dr Magness has led a multi-state research study that focused on cybersex behaviour and recovery among self-identified sex addicts. he is a frequent speaker at both professional and public events.
Should you wish to contact Dr Magness with questions about this book or for information on Hope & Freedom Counselling, you may write to him at milton.magness@hopeandfreedom.com or contact at (713) 630-0111.
Dr Magness lives in Housten, Texas and Canmore, Alberta, Canada.
Chapter 13
Page 171-176
When Is It Time To Move On?.............................
It is common during the addiction and in the recovery when spouses or partners wonder if it time to end the relationship. This deserves additional attention. It is tragic that many marriages are destroyed because of Sexual Addiction. However, the discovery of compulsive sexual behaviour need not mark the end to a relationship, even if the activity has involved other people and perhaps many. If the sexual addict is willing to get help and address the problem, the relationship can be saved and can thrive in recovery.
Some individuals have the mistaken belief that if their spouse or partner has been unfaithful that they must get a divorce. Unfaithfullness is devastating, and spouses believe the acting out will occur again, and again. Rather than look for a way out, couples can look for ways to stay in relationships and put the pieces back together.
Addictions often develop over a lifetime. They are behaviours reinforced by years of acting out and powerful neorochemical highs. Recovery for many people is a series of starts and stops, and resolutions followed by relapses. Rather than seeing recovery as a steady uphill progression, it is more like a roller coaster with its ups and downs, yet all the time moving forward.
If an individual is committed to a program of recovery, even if he is continueing to have setbacks, there is reason to hope that he may be able to get free from all compulsive behaviour and live the rest of his life in sexual integrity. Do you lose hope?
When The Sexual Addict Refuses Help..........................
What about relationships where sexual addicts are not willing to get help? If your partner admits to having a problem with compulsive sexual behaviour but refuses to address that problem, it is time to consider ending the relationship.
Sometimes when a partner sets this boundary and the addict is convinced of the seriousness of the boundary, he may realise his only choice to save the relationship is to get help for his addiction. I have numerous cases where divorce papers had been filed, only to stop to legal proceedings when the sexual addict decides to get help.
This does not suggest threats of divorce or abandonment are to be used to manipulate sexual addicts into recovery. When a spouse reaches the point where she is getting ready to end the relationship, the decision is often to persuade the sexual addict to seek immediate help.
What about cases where the addicts continue to slip or relapse? This may also be the time to consider ending the relationship. If that happens, it is important to recognize that the addict's decision to put the addiction ahead of his partner resulted in forfeiting the relationship.
No-one does recovery perfectly. Unfortunately, amny have slips and relapses that punctuate their recovery. If steps are taken to rectify the situation and restore good recovery routines, the relationship is worth salvaging. If the sexual addict is not willing to do the work of reocvery, even after repeated opportunities to get help, it may be time to end the relationship. Moving on may mean leaving your spouse or partner trapped in his addiction. Therefore, your partner must accept that you will no longer allow yourself to be trumatized by continued acting out.
If this is the place you find yourself and you have given your partner repeated chances to get into recovery, but he refused or will not maintain program of sobriety, then you may feel that he has chosen his addiction over you. Ending the relationship is a difficult decision and one that you should make only after much soul searching and consulting with professionals and trusted friends. Life without your partner will be challenging and perhaps painful, but ask yourself, wouldn't that pain be less than remaining in the relationship if your partner's acting out never ended?
Often the sexual addict will do everything possible to save the relationship, when he realizes that the spouse is ready to end it. If the shock of the partner saying the relationship is over gets an addict into recovery, then he can be grateful that something was stronger than the power of addiction, and that was coming face to face with the loss of you and the relationship.
The Relationship is Over. What Went Wrong?.......................
In some cases the relationship was over before the partner knew the extent of the sposues addiction. Or the sexual addict announced that he had found someone who "really knows how to love me" and walked away from the relationship without trying to save it. Abrupt endings are devastating and leave lasting wounds.
Some individuals who are sexually addicted never get into recovery and continue to resist all offers of recovery. Their partners set boundaries, give ultimations, make impassionate pleas, and otherwise beg their partner to get into recovery and give the relationship a chance. But they find that they are powerless over their partners addictions and cannot bring them to recovery.
In other cases, recovery is not constant with some addicts and they continue to suffer slips and relapses. they make promises that they will stop their destructive behvaiour, but it never sticks. After a few sessions of therapy and a 12 step meetings, they declare themselves 'cured' and stop all recovery actions. The repeated relapses finally bring partners to the point of saying "Enough!!"
There are other relationships where the husband and the wife get into recovery but the relationship still does not work. For some cases there was too great of an imbalance in recovery; that is, one partner was well ahead of the other and the other never caught up. In some of these relationships, even though recovery appears to be going well for both, they cannot make the relationship work. The wounds of deciet are sometimes too deep to heal. In some cases, one or both partners are unable to move to a place of acceptance as a prelude to forgiveness so that healing can begin. There are some spouses hurt so much that they can never get to a place of healing.
It really does not matter what finally happened becuase the relationship is over. Wishing, hoping, crying, and pleading will not restore that which has been severed. If your relationship has ended, here are a few things about your future that you need to hear:
First, don't date until you have continued further in your own recovery journey. YOu need time to make sense of your feelings and concentrate on yourself. NO "rebound" relationship will provide the nurturing you now need. If you are dating, STOP immediately. You deserve to have time to take care of yourself. Life is not going to pass you by while you are concentrating on giving yourself what you need.
Second, you need time to heal. If you are not in therapy at present, start therapy immediately. You will need to do some intensive family-of-origin work, to work on childhood wounds that may be impacting your life today. This would also be a good time to find an EMDR therapist who can help you address your trauma issues.
It is especially important that you get professional help to determine the impact of the relationship with your former partner. You may be able to see some similarities in your former partner and other people with whom you have had relationships. In fact, some individuals are candid enough to admit that they seem to always end up with someone who is an addict or someone who is abusive to them. Addicts are often charming, persuasive, and focused on the person who is the object of their affections. If you have chosen an addict of any variety in any or perhaps every previous relatiosnhip, this would be a good time to asl yourself, "What do I need to do to heal, and quit living the same traumatic realtionship repeatedly?"
If this is you, you alone can change the next chapter of your life. You are the author of your future. No matter how long you have let others tell you how to live your life, you are free now to assume control of the events in your life. You deserve a healthy relationship. Do not settle for less!
This would also be a good time for you to cement relationships with other men or women who are healing from relationships that have damaged their self esteem. 12-Step organizations are important sources of support to individuals who have found themselves alone after the end of a relationship to a sexual addict. Even if there is not a 12-Step group for partners in your area, Co-SA online groups can be very beneficial.
( Or lovely groups like this here on DS.....lol)
Chapter 14
Page 177-179
Adventure in Recovery.................................
In the course of their recovery journey, I tell my clients that they will be able to look at themselves in the mirror and say, "YOu are a good person, " and know in their hearts that the words are true. Negative self talk that has plagued them since childhood gradually end and will be replaced with healing words. I believe recovery is truely an adventure. In the end, sexual addicts have a much fuller, richer, more meaningful life than if they had not had compulsive behaviours to concur.
Sexual Addiction recovery can be an adventure. As with many adventures, recovering from sexual addiction never stops. It continues throughout life. Sexual addicts never get to a point where all of their recovery work is done. They continue to face new challenges and additional parts of their character upon which to focus. Yet as long as they are living free from compulsive behaviour their addiction is behind them. Their journey of freedom continues and never has to stop.
As you continue through the many tasks of recovery, you will find challenges and numerous blessings. As you and your partner take this journey together, you will have the opportunity to work on some things that would have escaped your notice if it were not for addiction and recovery. In the Big Book of Alcoholics, in the section referred to as "the promises", it states that there will come a time when a person will "not regret the past nor wish to shut this door on it." While this seems unattainable, it becomes reality for many. Perhaps it is more fully realized when a couple takes the recovery journey together.
Certainly there are hurts and pains from the past that bring grief. There are things that recovering addicts regret. That regret is shared by their partners. Addiction wounds both the addicted and those who love them. It is a vicious cycle that can only be served by making a committment to do the work necessary to end all compulsive behaviour forever.
Recovery has many rewards. One is the ability to look back on a relationship that has grown in many ways not thought possible. Being in relationship with a sexual addict has its down sides for sure. But if the partner is doing solid recovery work and actively engaged to his or her own work, the relationship possesses a new dimension of richness that could not have come were it not for addiction and recovery.
The presence of sexual addiction in a relationship does not mean that a relationship must end. Nor does it mean that happiness must end. If both addict and the partner are willing to address the addiction, work on thier individual recoveries, and recover as a couple, there is every reason to hope for a good outcome for the relationship.
I am committed to counselling because I see miracles happen on a daily basis. I continually come meet individuals and couples who believe their happiness is at an end becuase of the compulsive sexual behaviour. But relationships do not always have to end.
I am constantly amazed at the changes that can take place in relationships through solid recovery work. I hear couples who have been in recovery several months state their relationship is better now than it has ever been. I have heard that enough times that I have come to expect that result when both are committed to doing whatever it takes to restore their relationship.
My desire for you and your partner is that you immerse yourself in recovery. I urge you to be willing to do the couragous and challenging work that is required. As Francis Bacon once said, "All rising to a great place is by a winding stair."
May your recovery journey of hope lead you to freedom.
About the Author
Page 203
Milton S Magness, is the founder and director of Hope & Freedom Counselling Services in Houston. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and a Lisensed Professional Counselor.
Dr Magness is on the board of directors of The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), formerly known as the President of the board of that organization. He studied with Dr Patrick Carnes, the foremost authority on sexual addiction, and had completed specialized study in the area of cybersex addiction. Dr Magness has led a multi-state research study that focused on cybersex behaviour and recovery among self-identified sex addicts. he is a frequent speaker at both professional and public events.
Should you wish to contact Dr Magness with questions about this book or for information on Hope & Freedom Counselling, you may write to him at milton.magness@hopeandfreedom.com or contact at (713) 630-0111.
Dr Magness lives in Housten, Texas and Canmore, Alberta, Canada.
It is word for word, and not at all my work, it is that of Dr Magness. I included his details, for those whom may be interested on who the heck he is :)
Is this helpful for anyone? Is there something in there that is not helpful, and why?
The addict...well...I don't go there...that is HIS problem. I involved myself far too much in his problem from my estimation. I should never have done that at all in hindsight. So, I did learn something. That reading about where he has been, often just clouded the issue about what I needed to do..for me. Reading about his problem wasn't very beneficial to me at all. Often added insult to injury. All about his thrills...his high...his sexual pinnacles that had nothing to do with me. How high he'd been. Well, maybe, or maybe how low? Depends on one's view I think.
What was beneficial to me is coming to a place of decision for my life. What do I WANT to do now? I know that things have been bad...and I didn't know it. Now I do know it. So, do I want to stay or go? What will it cost me to stay now? What is the benefit? What will it cost me to go now? What is the benefit? What am I losing now? What he did from that point forward...hmmm. What he did to get here...well that is the problem to be dealt with. The result...the toll...on me. His decisions brought me to decisions.
The problems I encountered, or encounter, are mine. He didn't have a problem with his life, it was exactly as he wanted it to be. As these psych guys most often say, they are high on their behavior....having a really good time. The choices they made...to have their life as they wished to have it. My h had his life exactly as he wished to have it up until the point I realized his life choices. Then, it was never to be as he would have it again. That was definitely over and done at that point. His choices came to a result...as choices always do.
However, when I saw what my life really was in the context of my marriage, I found that my life was not what I wanted it to be. His life had brought a problem into my life. One that I had to deal with. His happiness became my dissatisfaction within the marriage. I had many choices to make at that point. What must I do to be happy now? Can I be happy with him now that I have this knowledge? Or, would I be happier without having his problems convolute my life? Would I be happier leaving him to his own path?
Everyone feels somewhat the same, and somewhat different when these behaviors enter their lives. Bad situation. No easy answers. My reaction might have been somewhat different than many. Because I knew and I know that there will be problems from then on. I've lived it before...so I do know. And, I also know that nothing I could have ever done differently would have changed a single thing within the relationship. I couldn't do anything about what I didn't know. Unless of course I had snooped and caught him far earlier. That way, I might have saved some more years of my young life.
I don't know what "work" I can do that will change anything at all. They don't really say what work is. What work did you do that changed anything at all? Can you define work in this context? I'd be interested to know what that is.
This is so true and we're experiencing it. And it is a roller coaster and I'm sure there will be more pain and obstacles to face, but I think it's worth it as long as he continues his work in recovery.
Thank you for sharing, Trina.
I have heard many say, and believe me i said it too for the very longest time, that its their SA problem. The spouses was not at fault in anyway. And to a point this is still true, they make the concious choice to act out in the end. But we spouses have a place in it. The gift, is seeing it.
If you don't mind, i would like to share where i am in recovery...........................
I don't seem to grieve anymore, i can be triggered by something, a place, a smell, a song, an attitude.....i will think back, process it, but immediately my mind will shirk it. I will think "well that was before", I am no longer that person.
For me i am endlessly on a mission to heal myself. I have done alot of internal growth, and reflected alot on my own part in this. For years i thought he did his acting out because i was not 'good' enough, which played on my already low self esteem. This was my own flawed thinking, and my part in the addiction. My reactions enabled him to not take full responsibility and thus lead him to act out further. While i was wallowing, and blaming myself, i was not questioning more, or standing up to his BS for fear i was going to hear it be my fault, that in fact i was just not good enough.
Just as the sexual addict has a flawed thinking process, and he acts on his impluses......his reactions and thoughts are indictive of his growing up in his dysfunctional childhood and he learnt how to cope or not cope to things.
I too have learnt that i had a flawed thinking process, and my own reactions and impaired thoughts were indictive of my growing up in my own dysfunctional childhood, and how i learnt to cope or not to things. I now know i did not make my h act out, i was not at fault or lacking in some way since being in recovery. But i did think it for a long while before.....just as i did as a child, think i was 'not good enough'....in fact i was told this by my mother. I repeated this pattern in my marriage, blamed myself. Just as a child i tried to be the best, the best at every thing......and just as when i was a child, it got me no where. This flawed thinking and negative behaviours lead to my breakdown. I tried to be the best cook, the best housewife, the best mother, the best lover, be thinner, be happier, be anything he wanted....cause he might stop looking at porn, and just need me. Of course i broke down in the end, i had no self esteem, no self belief, no self love. He never once asked me to do all this, i just reacted this way......just as i did as a child...to be the best, for i might feel loved.
It has been through my journey in recovery that i now only recognise this pattern in myself. It has been enlightening. I feel released from the shackles it kept me in for years. I believe this is my 'gift' in my recovery. True insight into myself, a honest humbling insight. I am having better relationships with everyone around me, because of it. Most importantly with my own children because i am now not passing on the damaging flawed process.
Sheenre, this has been the work i have done. Worked on loving myself and accepting who i am. Accepting that i too have made mistakes, and realising why i did. But everyone is different as are our situations, but this has been helpful to me.
I have really worked at appreciating who i am. I am 37 years old, i have lost some years and some say they are the best years, but i still have many many ahead of me. I look in the mirror at myself naked, and i no longer self loath. I am who i am, i have the scars of life on me, 3 children, 2 c-sections, and years of yoyo dieting, thanks to years of emotional eating. Yet I know i have alot to offer, so if thats not good enough for someone, then they are not worthy of me. Its their problem......and very much their issue!!
I guess in short, i have managed to reach a place of self love, so i don't self loath everything else around me.
So spouses and friends, do you love yourself, i mean really?? And what can you do to turn that around?
Let me try and explain too a bit about my "process", if I can. I understand what you're saying about our childhoods. When I was a kid, I was a loner. I hardly needed attention from anyone at all. And the few times I did need either attention or guidance, it wasn't there in any beneficial way. I had lots of older siblings (I'm one of eight children), nephews, nieces, and others around. But, mostly I'd be found alone entertaining myself. Not sure if that's just biological nature, or if there is any other reason. If there is any other reason, I'm not aware of it. Could be buried too far back in very early childhood to remember anything. I do know though from a moderate study of psychology that we are born with certain personality traits anyway. So, I suspect it's more that...biological.
So, my interactions with people, as far as any close interactions, were and are very limited...by choice. I really don't like anyone getting too close to me. I entertain myself quite well. And, I am most often serene alone with the presence of no one at all. And, I found in my life, after childhood, that those who I allowed to be very close were able to hurt me. Often, that was what happened. And, I found that I don't like to be hurt. Each time I got hurt, I had less desire to interact. I can count the people who it would really upset me if they were out of my life on one hand. They can hurt me. I am very aware of that. Anyone who ever really mattered to me has done that...from small hurts to very large ones. So, I'm quite gun-shy about that.
As far as the esteem issues, I have worked on those for a realllly long time. I came from a very poor uneducated background. That always did embarrass me. I was teased as a child a lot because my clothes were inappropriate and lots of other "social expectation" things. Childhood insensitivities. That was very hurtful to me back then. Very embarrassing. I remember those times well. But, they are waaaaay far away in my past. Childhood growing pains. I haven't been a child for a very long time. And, I learned long ago that those who value such things are still childish and immature. That's on them...not on me. I wasn't the one at fault...they were.
I learned to respect myself for who I am....because of aiming for inside myself...what "I" value. I know what my strengths are, and I know what my weaknesses are. I knew that before this happened. And, I know more about that now. As an all around person, I wasn't, and I'm not down on myself in any large way. I worked very hard to be a person that I can personally respect. That is the most important thing of all. Not who respects me...but whether I do. I respect being honest, helpful, considerate, kind...things of "character" value. Some don't value those things.
However, this recent path created bad feelings about some things for some time. Not because I thought that I caused him to do anything. I knew that wasn't true right off. I learned some time ago that each person makes their own choices in life. And, that my feelings about those choices are my feelings...not theirs. He made his choices from somewhere inside him...where his values lay.
But, because the spots in me that got hurt seems where no one is ever right on top of, it hurt me real good. What I mean is, that no matter how great I am at anything at all, or many things, there will be those who feel it isn't quite good enough by their measurement. I do expect that. That's ok too. They get to use their own yardstick.
And some would have no respect at all for what I personally value. So, those folks would have little respect for me. And, usually, that is a mutual feeling, because what they respect in a person, I have no respect for. For instance, who can drink more, or who can come out ahead by using trickery or unfair practises. I do know people who think that's cool. Isn't cool to me at all to be unfair to anyone for taking advantage. So, different set of internal rules, values and goals.
I know some people who are seemingly successful people, who I think are shallow and have little value to me personally. The methods that they used to get there...unconsionable to me. I'm sure that feeling is reciprocated. And that's ok. I have no desire to be like them, and I'm sure they have no desire to be like me either.
I do try to be really good, if not the best, at most anything I think is important...to me. But, I do it because I want to. It's a challenge for me....to me. For instance, I'm not considerate because I need someone to think that's big of me to take my time to think about that. I'm that way because I think it's a good quality. I'm sure that they give little thought to the fact that I do that sometimes at great cost to me personally. Doesn't really matter what they think. What matters really is that I know why I do what I do. And, that it's my choice and my values that I'm living.
The places inside me that caught all the pain are places that there is nothing I can do about anyway. How does one attain sexual self-esteem? Pondering that one somewhat still. Or, how does one feel physically confident when confronted with these issues? Again, a tough one.
I suspect that my h had at least some respect for who I am as a person. The values that I lived. That's why I think that he still wants to be married to me. The things that I value in life are very beneficial to him on a day-to-day basis. Many of my sacrifices benefit him. Just as a single example; he never had to worry whether or not I'd be true to my marriage. That is part of my personal value system. So, he could play, and be assured that I wouldn't. That's just an example. So, if anything I did contributed to his behaviors, that's probably one of them. He didn't have to wonder what I was doing. He knew what I was doing. Must be nice!
Physically, I am what would consider the norm for my age. That is something I can't change short of major surgeries....facelift...body lift...etc. So, if I were to try and meet that criteria for sexual gratification, then geez! That isn't what I valued myself for. I asked him if I should have. Hmmmm airbrained, plastic face, plastic body, shallow, immoral, and indecent....geeeeez! How very attractive? Not to me! That wasn't my aim in life at all. Anyway...nuf of that. I don't even want to go there. And, I told him, if that's what you need to be sexually content, you are in the wrong place. You, and lots of others like you.
So, how does one offer themselves "self-esteem" on those issues? Isn't that pretty much in the "eye of the beholder?" While he was playing little games, others, including his friends, were trying to hit on me. So, what the? Soooooo, confusing to me! Utter childish, superficial nonsense!
You said, "Yet I know i have alot to offer, so if thats not good enough for someone, then they are not worthy of me. Its their problem......and very much their issue!!" I agree! And, that's what I told him right away. If that's what YOU value. If that's your joy in life. You ARE in the wrong place! I also told him, "yes, I know, there are lots more guys like you than there are not, but I wouldn't want them around either. No more than I befriend shallow, selfish people. So, we have a conflict of values and interests here. And, you can examine and change your values if you like, but I won't."
When the stuff really came down...when the truth was in the open...then the conflict of values became evident. Someone had to change. And, it wasn't going to be me. I have long embraced my personal values, and I'm not likely to take a step that I consider down either. He'll have to step up...and that's all there is to it.
He did this same bull when I was a young woman. And, I was a stunning young woman too, considering the positive feedback. But, he had me. He knew that I was committed to him and my marriage. He could trust me. So, it was relatively easy to embrace me, and what I could give him, and to play little games too. As long as it was behind my back. He didn't dare do that to my face ever. Now, we have met, face-to-face. And his values have been exposed. And, I'm not on the losing end of this interaction. Not from my estimation anyway.
Trina: I have been here in this place for some time "I don't seem to grieve anymore, i can be triggered by something, a place, a smell, a song, an attitude.....i will think back, process it, but immediately my mind will shirk it. I will think "well that was before", I am no longer that person." Well, the don't grieve anymore anyway. I get triggered too...and I think that will always be true. That's because I have memory...and memory never goes away. I don't know what you mean by "process" it. What does that mean? By "shirk it" do you mean ignore how you feel? Or what does that mean? What brings on "that was before, I am no longer that person?
.
i was not questioning more, or standing up to his BS for fear i was going to hear it be my fault, that in fact i was just not good enough.
I said........"I don't seem to grieve anymore, i can be triggered by something, a place, a smell, a song, an attitude.....i will think back, process it, but immediately my mind will shirk it. I will think "well that was before", I am no longer that person."
When i process things, i analyse things from all angles. ie; An event happened. I will think about the event, i will think about how i felt, i think about why i thought it, and was it my feelings based on a distorted thinking at the time. I will then think about my h, i think about the events that lead to him acting out, think about how he acted and why he did.
So when i say process, i really mean it. I don't just think, he acted out, he was a selfish pig, and it made me feel like crap. I like to dig deeper, to the why's. Why did he act out, why was he a selfish pig and why did i feel like crap. I question everything, so i can learn from it, and change my behaviours, so not to repeat negative ones, and move on.
I can't change why he acted out, only he can. But i can understand why he did. I can understand what the lead up was, and see if I had a role to play in his behaviour. My role, you ask? If he was struggling, would i have listened or understood? NO, i did not. I was constantly angry, i lashed out at him because i was angry at him for being weak and looking at porn, for not stopping. I was angry at him because he couldn't or wouldn't stop. I was angry at him for how it made me feel. I thought he couldn't stop because I wasn't enough, wasn't pretty enough, slim enough, sexy enough.....or was worthy of being loved.
He did not act out deliberately, he did not go out and say "I am going to act out just to upset her more". It was a struggle for him too, he did not know how to control it, he did not know what 'it' (the addiction) was either. But he did know i was angry about it, and at him. He felt shame because as much as he tried to control it, he could not. He simply could not be honest with me, because i just would not have listened nor understood without personalizing it.
My distorted thinking................ (and i refer to my pysch notes)
*Cognitive Distortions - Distortions in Thinking;
......"Distortions in thinking are a way of thinking, that happens when the mind & brain get into 'automatic unhelpful habits'.
When distortions occur, we are usually not aware that they are happening.
Distortions cause alot of negative emotion.
The more negative emotion, the more your mood is weighted down (depressed): alot of negative emotions result in stress levels going up.
Distortions can cause and maintain depression, grief, anxiety & stress based disorders - they can break down relationships, make us feel bad about who we are, maintain addictions and cause us to speak (or not speak) and behave in ways that often cause more problems...
The aim is to learn to identify when a distortion is happening. When we do this we have greater control over our moods, stress levels, and responses."..................
And yes i did have distorted thinking, for i blamed myself, i thought it was my fault he acted out. This comes back to the self esteem thing again. He did not act out because of anything i was or was not.
As for the 'shirking' of the thought........ its a mind shift. Its me saying yes i felt that way, but it was a distorted thought of myself about myself at that time. I felt bad, but i shouldn't have because I know I AM enough and worthy, he did not do it because of me AT ALL! So a shirking is not ignoring its more correcting my distorted views at that time (the trigger moment). This has been the key to me getting over my grieving.
These are all techniques i learnt in cognitive therapy.
(Again i will refer to my pysch notes)...........
******Testing Cognitions For Distortions;
Cognitions are Thoughts. The process below is one that most people move into when emotions become too strong. However, sometimes the brain gets out of this habit...so it needs to be retrained.
Thoughts are viewed as something that we can test to see if they are true. When thoughts come before negative emotions or self defeating behaviour, the thought is tested to determine whether it is true. Untrue thoughts are DISTORTIONS - and cause alot of negative emotion, stress, depression and anxiety.
Your signal to test....STOP
When you have a strong negative emotion, or your behaviour is self defeating, this is a signal to test for distortions.
How Are Thoughts Tested?...By asking yourself the following questions
What am i thinking?
What is the evidence to show that this thought is NOT true?
What's the bigger picture?
Is there another explanation other than what i am thinking?
Is there another way to look at this?
AIM: To be an automatic observer of your thoughts!
Are your stress levels going up, and why?
Check for the bigger picture?
Replace-
If this is NOT TRUE, what TRUE BELIEF should i REPLACE it with?
Replacing is just as important as identifying the distortion. When we replace a distortion with the truth, the emotions (& urges) that the distortion has caused, decrease rapidly.
Respond -
With action if there is an issue. Put into practice behaviour that is the opposite of the distortion, or that is in agreement with the rephrase
I hope this is helpful. If it is not, we are all different, and at different stages of recovery......things become clearer when you are ready to see them.
I spent 1.5 years in therapy working on my self esteem, i found it helpful for me to focus on the bigger picture, without clouding the view with personalising things. That is me.
Sheenre, i hope i have explained that well enough. I know in my head what i mean, i hope i typed it out enough for you to understand easily. My head to computer, is a big leap.......lol.
I am confident you will let me know further, if i have not been legible enough :)
If any other spouses are interested in other things i have learnt in therapy, i did post them here once I'll add the link....
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spouse-of-sexaholics/discussions/messages/6714208
myself for not behaving in a healthy way. And why was alcoholism acceptable to me. I truly love my h and the only bottom line I had was infidelity. I guess I am not looking at this with all my heart as an illness because I do for alcoholism and was willing to stay but not for sex addiction. Yet, here I am trying to work it out in my mind to be able to stay married and live happily with myself and not compromising my values. I always had the same value/ same boundary/ same consequence yet I am staying for now yet to still have the same value/ boundary and consequence. So did it not carry any weight the first time? I, personally, will not live with an active sex addict especially since mine was acting out with people. Because they are discovered, now the boundary is real?? I don't get this part. Sorry this got long. Just sorting through thoughts that your post brought up.
Hugs xxx
I am sorry you are feeling such pain right now, i hope it is leading you to a better place of recovery :)
Hugs xxx
I know a few things about cognitive training. I did have nearly two years as a psych major. I think that I remain three classes off of attaining an AA in psychology. The beginning steps. And, I've read around the subject matter somewhat for around twenty years. Just a little though here and there. I did it to help myself...and to better understand and interact with others.
I knew that I was very messed up...a long time ago. And, I've "worked" pretty consistently to address my interactions and behaviors along the way. Mostly successfuly, but no where near entirely. I've learned some more now. Well, I've learned some more now about the behavior of others in the context of sexual issues anyway. And, I've read about what happens to us, what happened to me, long ago, and again. I really do hate to delve into that subject matter. But then, I never liked dissecting frogs either...ha!
Some things I read and implemented over the years. Not a whole lot but some. I have used it over the years after my xh and after seeing some of this Hs habits...and for various things...mostly to combat PTSD and the resulting anxiety. I really had attained quite a lot of control over the symptoms of that. Not entirely though. It cropped up when certain things developed. If I hadn't read all of the things I had, I'd hate to see the end result now. Hello Funnyfarm!
This issue of course, because it parallels my past in many ways, brought it back full force, and worse than it ever was. I really wasn't sure that I would make it through this time without a full mental breakdown. The lessons I had learned did help. I didn't know what to do really...but I did know quite a lot about what not to do. And that was some help. Thus far, relatively good.
I got PTSD at the onset way back in my mid-twenties from my mind and then my body reacting to the actions of my xh. He liked to play sexual games too...far beyond the scope of this h....he was an avid and intentional manipulator of others, their emotions, and their bodies when possible; and he liked to play with guns.
And I...well I was very naive and unworldly. I was a little kid in so many ways. And, I suffered for that nice place to be...a lot. Nuf of that. I got PTSD and I learned to combat it with cognitive control, stress relief hypnosis, and lots of other methods. In short, I learned to survive and cope. I had to learn to trust again. And, I had a long road ahead. I was successful in that. Maybe I shouldn't have been in retrospect.
This situation is much the same, but a far reduced version. My h now is different in that he is not physically violent, nor did he play in real life with others, or at least not that I know of at this time, and I know that his intention was not to hurt me, but to enhance his personal and private sexual life. He didn't want to hurt me. He lied thinking he was preventing that. He was just having a good ol time in fantasy land. He didn't realize the end product. He does know that now.
I know that he wasn't unhappy with me as a wife, well not substantially anyway. I mean, no one is a perfect wife. I would really hate to see what that looks like...ha! I don't even want to aim for that...ha! Hello Stepford Wives! Yikes! That flick really does sort of hit the nail on the head from a rather amusing stance.
He played with his porn like a secret little toy that was used for his personal satisfaction and gratification. His reasoning was typical. Men are different. Men need it. Men are more visual. Men have greater needs...blah...blah..blah. Classic bull in a nutshell. However, he did cause himself and me some serious problems on that road. I was not, and am not, willing to play the ol...wives are wives...and sex is another matter. Wrong lady!
That particular venue really isn't a place to play with me, given my past. He was virtually playing with fire...and rage. Rage from the way I had been treated before, and saw progressing in the now. Not something I will ever tolerate. Been there...done that. I am not willing, nor do I have any intention of getting willing to tolerate, nor cope, with that particular scenario. If he hasn't learned that...he will learn it. One move on his part in that direction, and my direction will become very evident. It already has.
I didn't apply those cognitive control mechanisms to this situation. I intentionally didn't do that. I had many reasons for that. The most important one is that I had already done that coping thing for far too long. I carried the burdens of his prior indiscretions by myself...coping. Well, I was accused of placing my head firmly in the sand while my bare bottom was clearly in view. That isn't likely to happen again. If coping is putting my head in the sand, then out it comes?
I lived my own life. I refused to engage in checking mechanisms...jealous reactions...protective shells...fear...and all those actions assigned to codependency. I prepared myself for being the best I could be as an individual. I planned on making my life stronger, more independent, and self-sufficient. Nor was he, only rarely. I could count the times we argued with my fingers. I allowed him the same opportunity. I was supportive of his life...his endeavors. I wasn't aware of his secrets. I didn't look for any. I wasn't argumentative. I didn't engage in hardly any of those behaviors they speak of.
I lived my life and I allowed him to live his. I coped with the results of my past while he danced merrily along with his secret life, though he was aware of my past. He won't dance merrily along anymore. He WILL carry his own responsibility. I won't carry it for him this time. He will accept his responsibility for the way he lived his life. I had no contribution to that. He made those decisions quite on his own. I had already told him how I felt about all that stuff. And, he got to choose whether or not he would honor my feelings. He didn't. That was his choice to make.
The difference in then and now is that he will be fully aprised of what goes on inside me all of the time. I won't place any control mechanisms regarding my feelings. He knows exactly what I feel and why I feel that way. He will hear what I feel exactly when and how that occurs. He will not have the luxury of my internalizing and intellectualizing and coping with my feelings. He won't have the luxury of my toleration of any nonsense at all.
He can help me cope now with what he has done. Or he won't. This end result is OUR life as he created it. My personal life is quite separate from that in my mind. I was educating myself, tending a career, being the best mom I know how to be, tending to what I believed a good mate should be. I was aiming to be the best person I could be. I still am.
So, I'm doing it differently this time. That ol saying is my mantra....doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. I aim to be sane. So, I had to do something differently. Coping with my prior injuries didn't get it. Coping with his inconsistencies didn't get it. Not checking on his behaviors didn't get it. Trusting didn't get it. Honoring his personal life endeavors didn't get it. Askling for what I needed didn't get it.
I have done this very differently. No doubt about that. I got the point that he wasn't the kind of person that could be allowed full rein in his life with me. He would honor nothing and no one that didn't enforce it with a steel fist. He would come up to a barrier and just blow it's doors off.
He figured...as he said...what I feel is what I feel. He didn't feel any pain. He didn't feel agitated. He didn't feel anxiety. He didn't feel any sympathy for me. So, this time...he got to know what I feel, up close, and personal. Not said in a quiet little way...but loud and clear. "You even get close to my boundaries agin, and there will be immediate repercussions. There is no tolerance here...not any longer. You actions brought me to my rock bottom...the end of any tolerance. Shape up...or ship out."
The relationship IS changed. His actions broke many things between us. I didn't do that. He did that. He made a decision once he saw what he'd REALLY done. He decided that his marriage, his family, and his overall life was much more important than his weeny. Good for him.
The decisions I had to make were akin to whether or not I wanted to even give him another chance at that point. I wasn't sure about that for at least two years. I allowed only time for him to either get the point or ignore it. And, for me to decide whether or not the relationship was worth living with triggers for the rest of my life.
I am sure about that now. I don't think he got the point, I know he did. He knows that one move, any at all, in that other direction would only tell me that he has changed his mind...that the other is his priority. And that will be met with a closed door policy. No faltering. No slip. None at all. I've been "working" this thing for nearly thirty years of my life. I gave him that already. I'm not willing to give up any more to any nonsense.
The things that got damaged by his behaviors. Sexuality. Romance. Intimacy. Well, don't know what can be done at this point about that. I AM NOT the master of that scenario. I figure it will play itself out. Either I will come to a place that it is great...or it won't. But, what I won't do is lie about it or hide the way I feel about anything at all. Nor will I attempt to manipulate the way I feel. I feel what I feel. I had to accept that. He has to accept that. He can try to change that, and I can try to allow him to. I do allow him to try. And, I try ro be as receptive as I can be according to how I feel.
So, that is where I am. He is very respectful of my needs and my feelings. He has to be...because I am. He will not be allowed to ignore my needs....none of them. I will not cope...WE will cope. Does that make sense?