Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
It occurs to me that many spouses are still struggling with self esteem issues and worthiness issues. So i am going to share and copy some of the work i did with my psychologist, after my stress breakdown in 2006.
*Cognitive Distortions - Distortions in Thinking;
Distortions in thinking are a way of thinking, that happens when the mind & brain get into 'automatic unhelpful habits'.
When distortions occur, we are usually not aware that they are happening.
Distortions cause alot of negative emotion.
The more negative emotion, the more your mood is weighted down (depressed): alot of negative emotions result in stress levels going up.
Distortions can cause and maintain depression, grief, anxiety & stress based disorders - they can break down relationships, make us feel bad about who we are, maintain addictions and cause us to speak (or not speak) and behave in ways that often cause more problems...
The aim is to learn to identify when a distortion is happening. When we do this we have greater control over our moods, stress levels, and responses.
*Mind Reading:
No-one can read minds...part of life is being aware of what the other person might be thinking. This is no different to mind-reading. Mind-reading is when we start to act as we actually KNOW what they are thinking.
Usually when we try to mind-read, we mindread negative or horrible things....
We do NOT know that these terrible things are true, we are guessing.
Believing our mind-reading leads to thinking, that causes horrible negative emotions/feelings
Too many of these horrible emotions/feelings make our mood go down - we become depressed, anxious, stressed.
Guesses are just that - guesses! Don't waste your time thinking about guesses. If you really need to know what the other person is thinking - ASK THEM!
*Personalising...its something about me;
Personalising is when we believe that something has happened because of something about us...even when there is not enough evidence to show that is true!!
Personalising causes alot of horrible feelings in us that we really don't have to have. We need to make sure that it is 'about me' before we start to believe it..check the evidence.
*Magnifying;
When you put something under a magnifying glass, it seems alot bigger than it really is.
When we 'magnify' something - it means that in our minds we make something alot worse or alot more important than it really is. We blow it out of proportion, and feel it is the end of the world.
This creates alot of negative, horrible emotions.
We need to STOP and ask ourselves 'is it really that bad??'
*Minimising;
When you see something as less important than it really is.
(eg; winning an award, but saying that it was just luck, or every other person, must have been hopeless)
We can minimize our needs....ignore them, or always put them less, rather than practising self care.
We can minimize the impact of decisions we make...ignore the outcome or others.
We can minimize our weaknesses...and keep on mucking up or hurting ourselves or others.
Common minimizing phrases include: "It doesn't matter, I don't care, or It will or I will be fine".
*Selective Thinking;
Selective Thinking is when you select one bit of information, or one detail - and form a belief based on that one detail.
From then on, the brain only pays attention to (selects) information that supports the initial belief.
It is as if you one-eyed, you can only see the information that agrees with what you are thinking.
*Black and White Thinking;
This is when we act as if things can be one way or the other- we don't allow for anything in between. It often presents as rules- about us, others, the world. It sometimes has these words in it 'never, always, if, I must, I should.'
eg; If i don't....I am a failure
If i can't....my life is pointless?Ihave not future/I can't function
I must....to be able to function/relax/cope
I must be approved by everyone
There is always a answer to every question
I am only okay, if i feel happy
If they loved me, they'd never leave a mess (common for moms)
This rule means that as long as there is no mess - everything is fine. As soon as someone leaves a mess - we start to question whether they really do love us. We don't allow for other explanations eg: children don't associate mess, with loving their mom!
Black and White thinking can result in us feeling bad about ourselves, it can interfere with relationships, it can cause and maintain addictions and other behaviours, that is not helpful for us.
*Negatives Only;
This happens when our brain hooks into the negative side of things, and ignores the positives.
eg: we focus on the negatives
and ignore the positives
we focus on the bad things someone has done
and ignore all the good things they have done
we focus on the things that make us unhappy
and ignore the good things in our life
we focus on our (or someone elses) failures
and ignore our (or someone elses) successes
we focus on the possible bad outcomes
and ignore the possible good outcomes.
It is being 'one-eyed...only seeing one side of the story, it is a form of selective thinking.
We need to ask ourselves "What is the bigger picture here - What are the positives???"
*Cognitive Distortions - Distortions in Thinking;
Distortions in thinking are a way of thinking, that happens when the mind & brain get into 'automatic unhelpful habits'.
When distortions occur, we are usually not aware that they are happening.
Distortions cause alot of negative emotion.
The more negative emotion, the more your mood is weighted down (depressed): alot of negative emotions result in stress levels going up.
Distortions can cause and maintain depression, grief, anxiety & stress based disorders - they can break down relationships, make us feel bad about who we are, maintain addictions and cause us to speak (or not speak) and behave in ways that often cause more problems...
The aim is to learn to identify when a distortion is happening. When we do this we have greater control over our moods, stress levels, and responses.
*Mind Reading:
No-one can read minds...part of life is being aware of what the other person might be thinking. This is no different to mind-reading. Mind-reading is when we start to act as we actually KNOW what they are thinking.
Usually when we try to mind-read, we mindread negative or horrible things....
We do NOT know that these terrible things are true, we are guessing.
Believing our mind-reading leads to thinking, that causes horrible negative emotions/feelings
Too many of these horrible emotions/feelings make our mood go down - we become depressed, anxious, stressed.
Guesses are just that - guesses! Don't waste your time thinking about guesses. If you really need to know what the other person is thinking - ASK THEM!
*Personalising...its something about me;
Personalising is when we believe that something has happened because of something about us...even when there is not enough evidence to show that is true!!
Personalising causes alot of horrible feelings in us that we really don't have to have. We need to make sure that it is 'about me' before we start to believe it..check the evidence.
*Magnifying;
When you put something under a magnifying glass, it seems alot bigger than it really is.
When we 'magnify' something - it means that in our minds we make something alot worse or alot more important than it really is. We blow it out of proportion, and feel it is the end of the world.
This creates alot of negative, horrible emotions.
We need to STOP and ask ourselves 'is it really that bad??'
*Minimising;
When you see something as less important than it really is.
(eg; winning an award, but saying that it was just luck, or every other person, must have been hopeless)
We can minimize our needs....ignore them, or always put them less, rather than practising self care.
We can minimize the impact of decisions we make...ignore the outcome or others.
We can minimize our weaknesses...and keep on mucking up or hurting ourselves or others.
Common minimizing phrases include: "It doesn't matter, I don't care, or It will or I will be fine".
*Selective Thinking;
Selective Thinking is when you select one bit of information, or one detail - and form a belief based on that one detail.
From then on, the brain only pays attention to (selects) information that supports the initial belief.
It is as if you one-eyed, you can only see the information that agrees with what you are thinking.
*Black and White Thinking;
This is when we act as if things can be one way or the other- we don't allow for anything in between. It often presents as rules- about us, others, the world. It sometimes has these words in it 'never, always, if, I must, I should.'
eg; If i don't....I am a failure
If i can't....my life is pointless?Ihave not future/I can't function
I must....to be able to function/relax/cope
I must be approved by everyone
There is always a answer to every question
I am only okay, if i feel happy
If they loved me, they'd never leave a mess (common for moms)
This rule means that as long as there is no mess - everything is fine. As soon as someone leaves a mess - we start to question whether they really do love us. We don't allow for other explanations eg: children don't associate mess, with loving their mom!
Black and White thinking can result in us feeling bad about ourselves, it can interfere with relationships, it can cause and maintain addictions and other behaviours, that is not helpful for us.
*Negatives Only;
This happens when our brain hooks into the negative side of things, and ignores the positives.
eg: we focus on the negatives
and ignore the positives
we focus on the bad things someone has done
and ignore all the good things they have done
we focus on the things that make us unhappy
and ignore the good things in our life
we focus on our (or someone elses) failures
and ignore our (or someone elses) successes
we focus on the possible bad outcomes
and ignore the possible good outcomes.
It is being 'one-eyed...only seeing one side of the story, it is a form of selective thinking.
We need to ask ourselves "What is the bigger picture here - What are the positives???"
Our sense of control involoves two areas; control over the way that events around us are impacting on us - and control over the way we are feeling inside.
As our sense of CONTROL increases.....
stress decreases
hopelessness decreases
anxiety decreases
depression decreases
helplessness decreases
As our sense of CONTROL decreases.....
stress increases
hopelessness increases
anxiety increases
depression increases
helplessness increases
ASK & ACTION
We increase our sense of control by asking and taking action
What can I do about this now??
Do it...take action!
When we ASK this question, our mind comes back to the present, rather than just worrying about the future..this reduces anxiety. When we take ACTION our sense of control increases.
ACTION = CONTROL
The action that we take is often related to what we NEED. the answer to the question 'what do i need' directs the type of action that we take. When we do NOT try and have our needs met, our sense of control goes down.
*Testing Cognitions For Distortions;
Cognitions are Thoughts. The process below is one that most people move into when emotions become too strong. However, sometimes the brain gets out of this habit...so it needs to be retrained.
Thoughts are viewed as something that we can test to see if they are true. When thoughts come before negative emotions or self defeating behaviour, the thought is tested to determine whether it is true. Untrue thoughts are DISTORTIONS - and cause alot of negative emotion, stress, depression and anxiety.
Your signal to test....STOP
When you have a strong negative emotion, or your behaviour is self defeating, this is a signal to test for distortions.
How Are Thoughts Tested?...By asking yourself the following questions
What am i thinking?
What is the evidence to show that this thought is NOT true?
What's the bigger picture?
Is there another explanation other than what i am thinking?
Is there another way to look at this?
AIM: To be an automatic observer of your thoughts!
Are your stress levels going up, and why?
Check for the bigger picture?
Replace-
If this is NOT TRUE, what TRUE BELIEF should i REPLACE it with?
Replacing is just as important as identifying the distortion. When we replace a distortion with the truth, the emotions (& urges) that the distortion has caused, decrease rapidly.
Respond -
With action if there is an issue. Put into practice behaviour that is the opposite of the distortion, or that is in agreement with the rephrase.
Believe in yourselves, love yourselves and strength will follow.
Lock it, if its private, hey even delete it if, once refocused. Look after yourself eyes :)
Lock it, if its private, hey even delete it if, once refocused. Look after yourself eyes :)
"Personalising is when we believe that something has happened because of something about us...even when there is not enough evidence to show that is true!!" How can we know that our H pornizing isn't about us?
"What can I do about this now?? Do it...take action!" It often seems like if we do take action, that which is a typical human response, we are coined as acting negatively. Weeeelllll, yeah, negative input, negative output. I really get confused on that one.
"'is it really that bad??" Well, that depends on what you want out of a marriage in our situation, or how badly these actions make you feel. I guess if my sexual life is trivia, or my marrige trivia, then of course, it isn't all that bad.
"We can minimize our needs....ignore them, or always put them less, rather than practising self care." It is really, really hard for me to practise self care when it seems that the person I'm living with is banging my gong. To really take care of me...and no one else...I'd have to say run like he//! So, it creates confusion about how I can take care of myself and not run like he// from what is hurting me.
"Black and White thinking can result in us feeling bad about ourselves, it can interfere with relationships, it can cause and maintain addictions and other behaviours, that is not helpful for us." So, where are our foundations? Where is there any boundaries or barriers to the beliefs of others imposing their wants, needs, will on us? There has to be a line somewhere doesn't there? My H stated in the past that what he did was because it made him feel good. Then should I do it too, to see if I feel good? Or is it good for me to know that "I" don't want that kind of feel good?
"What am i thinking? What is the evidence to show that this thought is NOT true? What's the bigger picture? Is there another explanation other than what i am thinking? Is there another way to look at this?" Geeez, yes, I've tried this. How do we collect real evidence, not just words when living with an SA? Confusing!!!
"If this is NOT TRUE, what TRUE BELIEF should i REPLACE it with?" Ooooh, I am really having trouble with this. I'm not sure what is true...because I don't know what he thinks or feels, I only can know for sure what he does and how that makes me feel. I don't know why he did it. I'll never really know why he did it. I would have to be him. I can only know what it makes me feel. If I deny what I feel, what am I helping?
I don't have the strength to repeat it right now....ugh!!!
Should we split up SheenRe's questions/ :)
Love ya SheenRe, keepin everyone on thier toes...
I'm a thinker. I don't just accept anyone's ideas or ideals,just because they say so. Not a psych...not anyone. Psychs are just people with all the problems and mindsets of human kind. I don't think they are God, or just smarter than others. They have taken some time and thought about things that a lot of folks don't take time to examine....unless they have to. So, they have some insight....sometimes.
But, they can also be biased...just like anyone. For instance, the guy on Recovery Nation gives me the willys that way. Some of the things he says are biased or just downright hurtful for no reason I can see. I doubt he even has credential to sport such an attitude. Or, they might not have been in a life situation to really experience the full plethora of emotions and thoughts that come of that particular situation. They also might have been an offender themselves so they speak from that mindset.
I expect that they weigh with the information they have read, the experiences they have seen, they experiences of their life, their education and IQ. That is all. Just like us. They don't have absolute answers to anything. Psychology is a science and based on theories and little more. I will accept them if they make sense overall and seem logical and unbiased. I will think out the result of such thinking through my education, reading, experiences I have seen and my personal experience.
I am somewhat concerned when all sins...wrongdoings...can be labeled a mental illness...an addiction. A simple path of thinking that allows justification of immoral behavior or labels is a medical condition. Yes, in a way, moral illness...is just that. And, we are all morally ill to an extent....what extent???? No one is perfect. No one. But, how far is far? How deep is deep?
We could apply many of the principles I have read about dealing or acceptance of an SA to that of a murderer. Family...experience...justifications...distorted thinking. Mentally ill...habit....addiction???? I look for the lines there I guess. If my H was a seriel killer and came by that habit/addiction through being angry with mama, does that make it justifiable??? If so, I guess anything is if you look at it from that perspective. And the families of such murdered individuals should not take it personally because they were just a random selection...they did nothing to get there. I really wouldn't want to try and deal with that, or live with an ax murder though.
Where is the line? When does a habitual liar become a pathological liar? When does sneaking a peak for a thrill become an addiction to sex? Whe does too much gambling become an addiction by definition? When does too much faith in religion become an addicition? Where are the lines? When does moral sin become an addiction as opposed to a chosen path? The Bible says that all things are forgiveable. God...God...sees into the heart of man and can forgive him because he sees all of it. We don't see all of it...we can't. It also says that if a man contend for a thing, if he overrides his conscience, his conscience will be seared and he will believe a lie and be damned. That is because he won't quit. He continues...makes a path...embeds concepts...makes justifications...etc. Right? Think of that path of thought????
I guess I do have a little self-esteem left. I do have good values. I do respect my right to live the way I believe is right. I do respect the morals I have in place. I do respect myself for not using my family life for an excuse to be a slut, or an avid liar, or a compulsive gambler, or compuslive shopper, or what ever. You two are very helpful. You have thought and you think. Smart women. You give me valid points to process, evaluate and draw conclusions. Some other angles to think about.
I fear some of the programs and techniques out there that smack at "tolerance of ill-behavior" instead of living true to yourself; or worse that smack of brainwashing self. I feel in a way, like that is what I was trained, or learned, to do before. Look at the other side. Walk in those shoes. Until I didn't look at my side, or walk in my shoes, or respect my boundaries as much as I should. I know some think that it is mean that I gave my H an ultimatum. Stop, regroup your thinking, quit hurting me this way, or get out. but, that is what I TRULY feel. I know he has control of his eyes...he can focus them wherever he chooses. I know that he has control of his hands...he can choose to touch himself or not. I know that he can put up mental barriers to sexual fantasy. He just has to choose to do so. Something needs to be more valuable than the peek-a-boo game. I need to feel that valuable....to him. It is not the esteem of the world I seek. No one else is banging my gong...he is. He has selected to do things that hurt me.
I am that valuable to myself. I have that much self esteem/worth. I don't play those games because I don't want to be a jerk, a liar, a selfish icky person. I could be if I wanted to. We all can...if we want to. If he can't respect my wishes to the point of giving me PTSD because he wants to play peek-a-boo, then what is the relationship about? Husband and wife peek-a-boo. Now you're here....now you're not? What?
When I married, I quit sleeping with other men. I also quit fantiasizing about sleeping with other men. I gave up that childish fantasy land because I chose to be married to one man. If he's still in childlike fantasyland, what is he doing in a marriage to begin with? It just seems soooooo stupid to me. I like beautiful bodies as much as anyone else. I'm an artist for goodness sake. I can freely draw them from my own mind. but, I wouldn't sit an contemplate having sex with a body....I left that silly girlhood long ago.
I just feel that he played me. He kept playing with the paper dolls until he could hardly perform any more and just figured I could deal with the loss of sex and intimacy however I chose, I guess. Yes, he has fetishes. Yes, he had an encounter with porn at a young age. Yes, his parents could have been more attentive. I could use all of the above from my own life to act like a slut too. I don't. Those excuses just don't work for me. Okay if you're a kid...twenties maybe. But, a fifty year old man who just kept playing and thinking it was okay for him to do so? To he// with the consequences???? By what true justification? Mommy's fault? Daddy did it? My buddies think it's cool? What my wife doesn't know won't hurt her? Men are just more visual? They see tits and just can't control themselves?
Geeeeeeeez! Enough! That is what I told him. Enough! You want to excuse yourself because you wanted to do it...it gave you great physical pleasure to do it? Anyone could do that. I could do that. I was just duped by your lies and deception! That is it to me. Duped into thinking that there was more to him than I thought. That he was a man and not a lying, sneaky, petty little boy. I think I know pretty much what attitude it would take for me to do that....spice up my life....get a thrill. So, his excuses don't fly for me. They never will. I wouldn't excuse myself and I won't excuse him either. God doesn't excuse you either. He says repent. That means be sorry, and turn the other way. Quit! Because if you don't quit, you aren't truly sorry and you won't be forgiven, even by God. Some will go to he//...whether or not we like to think of that. I will too if I follow the wrong path...believe a lie and be damned. I feel the need to be careful what concepts I embrace. Not that forgiveness can ever be a sin...it isn't...and can't. But, supporting, validating, excuses could be to the detriment of others...encouragement to act badly. Where is the line?????
I can live with him even though he played his game...if he quits now. I will not forgive him for acting that way and playing me. I will not take action against him. But, I will never make excuses for his behavior nor justify it in my mind. I havemade huge errors too. I quit it. I don't think that it was okay, or justifiable and I never will. I just chose to learn that I made a mistake and quit making it. Repentence in action. Just because I apply that same analysis to mu H doesn't mean I can't live with him either. It just means that I accept that he acted like a dick and believe he can act like a man if he really wants to. I have only given him the chance to choose how he acts and to choose what he prefers to live. That is all.
As far as trusting him. I trust that he will act with respect around me. He has no choice but to do so or leave. I trust that I can control that...and I will. If he chooses to continue to play and hide, it will come out eventually, always does. He knows the cost of that activity. He knows what he will be trading for the thrill. And, he knows that I will accept no justification whatsoever. I will expect, trust, that he will act like a man. So, if he chooses to continue, then he will pay the price for his choices...like we all do. I will know, with no doubt, that he is a moral loser and I will not live with one. He knows that...or he should know it by now. So, we'll see. I'll see.
Does that make sense, or am I all wet, or dillusional?