Whyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!

   I'm in a rough patch again. I'm hurting so badly tonight and the last thing I want to be doing is crying. I hate crying, I always have. It seems so pointless, maybe because I never feel better once I've cried. Probably because I always feel like they're wasted tears. Things can always be worse, so I'm not going to cry over this. Why does it have to be such a struggle? Why can't I just let it be. Maybe because it tears me up. Maybe because it hurts to breathe. Maybe because sometimes when I look at things, all I see is pain. The vision of pain literally fills my head with fear. I'm afraid of it more than anything. Especially at night. It's been this way since I felt that first knife through my ribcage. And I don't expect it to stop anytime soon. My grandma always told me I needed to find faith. I know she's in a different pain, but I always wonder where she finds her faith. Her hope that she so deeply wishes I had. I do the best that I can. But her faith comes from God. I know this. I know she's not a huge religious person or anything, but you don't need to be to have faith in God. Or whatever you have faith in. The way I see it, faith is faith, wherever it may come from. I seem to find faith in myself. Because noone else chooses to react to this the way I do. I choose to react the way I do on my own, not because I have faith that some miracle will come along and cure me with a needle and a bottle of pills. But because I'm stronger than this crap. Yeah, it eats me alive, but it could be worse. It can always be worse. I've seen worse. And the faith I have, comes from the strength I've seen in those who have suffered, cried, lost, hoped, loved, and cherished. That's all I really have to hold onto.  I wrote the next journal a few years ago for a class, it explains a lot about what I feel. Feel free to read, if not, that's okay too. Thanks!