Why can't I stop obsessing.

Ex was 41 I am 37. Married when we met but quickly fell in love. I was told they were separated now talking to the ex husband realize wasn't the case. Well he found out they got divorced. We were doing great. It was about 6 months in caught her talking to someone else. She said I wasn't giving her enough attention. We got passed it or I guess I accepted it like a chump and tried being better with her. She was so controlling I completely lost myself I became disattached from reality my life was walking on egg shells to prevent fights. Her and her children moved in with me and Mine. We lived together for 2 years. Everyone was happy. She was a great mother / stepmother. Called eachother husband and wife. She was so attentive to me needs worshipped the ground I walked on. She took care of me and the kids. I honestly never felt so loved in my life. Granite it came with her happiness dependent on me as she had no friends didn't understand when I wanted to hang out with mine or do anything that didn't involve her. I have had the same group of close friends for 20+ years. Everyone's wives are friends etc. even after all the time together if I did take her to a party or picnic she never bonded with them I couldn't walk away hang out with the guys always had to make sure she was ok etc. I would get blamed for leaving her or something. I always felt like I lived in the garden of eden go ahead eat the apple, I can't believe you actually did then get in trouble. Well she always wanted to get married left a million hints I always wanted stuff to get better. She would see me texting my children's mom who I am very close with asking for advice on things because if I asked her I would have to accept her way or deal with consiquences. If we were at a party and she saw me talking to a friend who was a female since I was a kid even though I introduced them would get tortured in the car, I know you dated her I can tell the way she looks at you etc. I put up with this craziness because all the other good qualities. There was nothing I had to settle with. We liked the same things I was never so comfortable around someone. I can't explain it. We had this connection. I got to the point though I felt so smothered by what she calls loving me to much that I started shutting down. Her heart felt gestures 150 texts through out the day I couldn't take it anymore. I was so annoyed I didn't want to come home. She would wait to eat till I got home from work now looking back she worshipped the ground I walked on and wanted to be appreciated and I didn't I took it for granite. She left jewelry mags out even offered to buy the ring if I would ask her. Pleaded with me to have a baby. I think I was always hesitant wondering if it was me or she would want it from anyone. She begged me to marry her and I kicked her in the teeth each time. She would cry every night in bed towards the end how unhappy she was cause I paid no attention to her. The whole month of march said your gonna lose me please step up I am not happy you don't look at me talk to me touch me. I completely not knowingly destroyed her self confidence if there was really any. I was so burned out and smothered I would turn over go to bed for months listening to her crying that I wasn't paying attention to her. In my head it's like omg shut up we have kids to worry about jobs a house and wasn't anyway to get her to understand I needed space to be myself and would come home miss her and appreciate her. If I said can't text me while I am working " fine I won't ever text you again " well none the less she asked if I was getting her a ring for our anniversary I said no. She said she needed to move on and not keep playing house. Mean while we had 5 children blended who were like brother and sister at this point. Her children were never in control and I always hated the influence on mine. It's almost like she was always consumed with her needing attention that her children craved it too and she couldn't fully give it. They always had to settle or let the teenager give it to the little ones. I watched her 14 year old cover for her when she was with me to her dad. And once she was 16-17 she was running her little ones to sporting events etc to point people thought she was their mom. I am a very hands on parent. She pretends to be but she doesn't bond with the other mothers for best interest of the kids it's more of ok get in get out oh great ok yeah.

Well she said I need to move on I said ok you can stay save up money she said thanks. Next night started going out ( in 3 years never went out really has no friends ) started going out everynight after. Took about 4 days before realized what was going on. Ask the teenager and get an obvious lie. She was sleeping in a different room at this point. She would come home with some bullshit story have sex with me almost to try and apeaze me. I realized I may have messed up begged and pleaded for a second chance her to stay home fix things etc. she would act all sad and confused if she could believe me then leave an hour later. I finally filed eviction papers. She then stoped coming home all together. Her teenager daughter was raising her little ones. It was so uncomfortable these kids looked at me like a dad. They now didn't interact with me or my children. The teenager kept them under wraps so my children were never like where is your mom. I ended up moving out of my own house with my children untill eviction was complete. I would still get a text or call from her every few days either fighting or her crying saying why didn't you try why didn't you love me. It's always been you but you didn't want me. You told me to get out and didn't want a future with me etc. I will say when stuff was bad I did tell her to get out and made her feel it was my house not hers at times which wasn't right. The eviction came they moved out. The guy she was seeing co signed or signed a lease for her not sure. Note we were together 3 years 2 days before our anniversary still texting me I love you sending recordings of a song that played at work that reminded her of me etc. realized I wasn't getting a ring and day later going out.

I caught her at the house one day moving stuff out. She started crying saying how sorry she was missed me etc. we began talking again rehashing everything realizing we lost track of us what made us great trying to actually talk and understand what eachother needed. We begun sleeping together and pretty much seeing eachother again. She would say how she just wanted to come home where she belonged etc. she told me he moved out they were more like friends not anything one day noticed she was off was gonna go over suprise her and his car there. She would insist she didn't have a bf I said let me ask him only to get told why are you doing this. We agreed to be friends and work on things etc. a few days goes by one of us breaks silence. I start getting mad rubbing other younger skinnier prettier girls in her face That i was talking to trying to get over her just to be an ass. I was so broken hearted for months no one could understand it as all I did was complain when we were together. I finally said I need to move on and met two girls. Neither worked out my mind wasn't there. Every time I felt she was lying to me about him or something I would make a point to say something I knew would kill her. We have been talking since that day so much energy everyday of rehashing etc or trying to make it work but one of us is always not giving the other what they want to see. She says I want to see this wonderful guy you always talked about etc I want you to love me all I ever wanted. Every time It's going good always gets messed up a week or two later when I realize she's lying. Well about 3 weeks ago start hanging out again it's going great. She's bringing her little ones over they are beyond happy she's bringing me cards and little gifts etc saying sorry your love of my life my soul mate etc. about two years ago she suprised me with getting my name tattooed on her. It's her one and only tattoo. After every thing never covered it. One night she left here she said he was packing his stuff and moved out. Thursday night wanted to bring her kids to see mine and do Christmas stuff. My children's mom would have been furious I told her she couldn't be around mine and I didn't want them assuming anything yet. She texted me all night sad fought about it till 2am. We continued to discuss it all the Friday she knew I had plans fri night and we were suppose to go away Saturday night. Now i am trying to say let's prove to eachitger and everyone we are serious and can have a normal healthy relationship then bring kids around. Fri she's texting me how it bothers her I don't care I haven't seen her in two days I didn't invite her to come with how heart broken she is I am not including her in my life it's all she ever wanted etc. I then get a message around midnight from this dude asking me why I am texting her now please be honest. I get a text from her a min after he sent that telling me how she's sick of not being important or welcome to come with me how she wants to rebuild us but I am not trying.

Saturday morning I drive over to take her for breakfast and start the day I planned. That she was looking forward to all week. I see his car there. I look at my phone I have some big long book texted me to about how upset she is that I let my ex dictate when she can come around and how she's been trying to do stuff for two days with me but I blew her off. Etc etc etc I respond with just came over to suprise you and start our day. She says he came over to grab stuff. I called her horrible names flipped out. I responded to his message from night before as I just now saw it. I went off telling him everything he said he's been back for 3 days. I said weird I was with her wed, Thur for a little we talked till 2 am bout how she wanted to come over but I said no cause my kids here and Friday her upset I didn't invite her to come with. She texted me. I can't believe you texted him that was low please stop and blocked me. We haven't talked since. I emailed her said your stuff is on my porch. The dude was like when was this I am here man just trying to figure everything out. I sent him screenshots etc I went off. He said she told him I was nothing she just wanted stuff from my garage she left here

Ok she coulda said ok hun I don't care what you tell him. Does she not cause she won't have anywhere to live? Who knows.

She would get mad if I talked about our relationship to anyone cause they would almost see the trance she had me in.

Why on Thursday Truly upset almost begging to come over if this dudes bsck.

Why do I even fucking care. How much of an ass do I let her make me. I've never in my life. I can write anyone off but her.

Why did she put in SO much time and effort lately if it's just a game. Was it or was she hoping to see me stand up for her so her I actually care.

Why can I not stop thinking about her. And wishing I had her over Thursday maybe things would be different. Why do I wish it was a week ago and her waking up in middle of the night texting me something cute. Why do I miss her so bad if it was all bullshit.

Why was she talking and wanting to do the things we always did and researching places for us to go etc if he's back.

Why do I even care.

If she just wanted to hook up why saying let's go get married tomorrow etc show me your serious blah blah blah sending me pics of where she would want to get married. Why bring me cards etc texts every day your the love of my life always have been etc

Why did she pick some loser over me and all we had the girl I know would have nothing in common with this dude and would make fun of someone like him. He doesn't work collects disability gives her next To no money she's behind on everything is looking for a second job.

After typing this it's helped but part of me wants to message him back say listen man to man you want to figure out what's up here you go and explain to him that he never will he will end up like me trying to understand it all.. part of me wants to just to help the dude cause this is torture other part pissed she chose him and ruin it and not let her lie her way out