Why bother

I finally showered today.  It'd been since Sunday.  I hadn't even brushed my teeth.  But today I woke up and decided that things were going to be better.  I didn't have internet, so I couldn't apply to jobs.  All day I kept thinking about how we're probably not getting the house...so much anger.  But I made myself be productive.  I cleaned out hubby's dresser, organized and folded.  Had fun with the cat.  Then I decided to shower.  It felt so nice.  I even shaved.  I thought maybe tonite would be intimate with the hubby.  I put on a shirt I know he likes, cute undies.  Waited for him to come home and tell me how happy he was that I'd made an effort today. He came home and said nothing.  He knew I'd cleaned his dresser but I had to tell him to look at it, ask him what he thought.  He took a shower.  I kept trying to turn the hot water off on him, determined to be in a good mood.  He said at least I'm feeling playful.  That's as far as he went. We decided to take my car to get her tire fixed.  Instead of being proactive, he made me nag him to get things done, as usual.  We dropped off the car, I wanted to stop at the storage locker.  He didn't want to.  I had to point out that since we were on that side of town, it made sense.  So we went.  I said it felt so good to shower.  He asked what I meant.   Week two without a job.  Week two of depression.  Week two of him not noticing me.  I hadn't showered since Sunday.  Last week I went from Monday to Friday without him noticing, showering only because we were going to my parent's and I couldn't let them see me like that.  I tried so hard today.  And for what?  To find out that my husband doesn't even notice me anymore?   He said he noticed, just didn't say anything.  To me, that's the same thing.  To hear him recognize what I went thru to shower today, the effort that cost me...but no, nothing.  So why bother?  What's the point?  I don't see anyone all day.  The only people I talk to are hubby and my mom.  No friends call me.  No one even talks to me online.  All day I want to disappear, and know how easy it would be because so few people would notice.  I joined here hoping to find some comfort, but even that...why do I bother?    There's just no point anymore.  At least until yesterday I had the purpose of packing for the move.  But then we found out that, barring a miracle, we're most likely not getting the house.  And it's my fault.  I lost my job, so now our dreams of getting a home, my dreams of starting a family... What's the point?