Who is to blame

For years I have fought with depression; realizing that 17 years of these feelings is nothing more than my own making.  Sure my family has a strong genetic link to the disorder and sure there were pieces to my past that have contributed to it all.  Sitting back now I see that in my years since the serious onset of this disorder was fed by no bully other than myself.  I allowed myself to make unwise choices that shaped my life making them at times unbarable; but no less becoming a blessing and a source of strength in the end.  At 17 when I became pregnant with my son I was terrified and set into motion to climb into a new life.  I wanted to be something, go somewhere and to actually live.  Marrying my first husband was the start to what I thought would be a new life.  Those 8 years were full of heartache and dissappointment when a marriage of love, trust and safety turned into one of abuse, neglect and a sense of loss in who I was.  During this time I allowed myself to fall into my own self pitty and feeding into an already disfunctional relationship.  The only way to gain freedom was to become stronger.  So I went to college, graduated with my B.S., got a great job and left the man that I allowed to have complete control over my life.  I thought it was going to be a new start (ongoing theme here.) But anger, fear and anxiety continued to control me because I allowed it to do so. I met a new man after a few years who was amazing and loving and caring.  When we married I felt that finally this would be a new start to my life, the answer I was always looking for.  Yet I was still overcome with a sick soul and allowed it to continue to feed into every part of my life.  Sever depression began to set in and my husband was at my side for ever step of the way.  I went onto finish my Master's degree and I am moving into a doctoral level now. 
Despite it all, I still continue to struggle as I allow this bully inside me to tell me I am not worthy, I am not smart, beautiful or loved.  I don't live my life because I spend my days reliving the hatred towards my first marriage and having the constant reminder of having to deal with him weekly for the sake of my kids.  It consumes my thoughts at times, it makes me weak, it makes me sad that I can't move on.  Therapy has done little to help and medications are not touching this lingering mood.  I am told that I have treatment resistant depression which scares me that I will forever feel this way.  I'll be ok; but being ok is not the same as living my life. 
The love I have for my beautiful children and husband keep me moving forward.  I wish I could be as beautiful inside and out as they are.  I wish that I could open my heart to accept all of their love and return it with the same volume that they exude. I want to truely hug someone back without feeling like it hurts.  I want to smile a true smile instead of the mask I wear.  I want to feel that this life is full of wonderful experiences and not worry about the what if's.  I want to live in the moment. 
Now, I just have to get rid of the bully inside me.