What I would like to say to the insensitive people (most pregnant) in my life...

This is what I would like to say to all of the pregnant people in my life or for those caring for other people's babies and their insensitivity to what I am enduring.  My husband and I have been trying to conceive a baby for four long years now. That is 48 months, 48 times to be devastated and 48 months for you to announce your happy news while I am dying inside. 48 months of you telling me how fertile you are, you wanting to share how excited you are, you telling me all about your pregnancy problems and seeing you looking through your baby catalogs.  For the time when I went to the family gathering only to see your sonogram sitting on the kitchen table and for me to realize I may never have one of those. To have to isolate myself in the living room where all the men are watching sports, cuddling up to my husband, while I hear all the women in the other room talking about babies. For the time when I am sitting in the other room hearing you loudly complain about all of your pregnancy ailments. Your aches, your pains, and for me sitting there thinking I would do anything to be in your shoes. To be able to experience one ounce the excitement you are getting to feel. For the time when you first told me you were pregnant with that huge smile shining across your face and saying why don't you provide this one with a cousin. And me pouring my heart out and confessing my husband’s and my secret that after four years of trying to conceive we are facing that we may never have children. And for your insensitive reply back about how you were on the pill and never should have gotten pregnant to begin with and how fertile you must be. For the times when you have thrown your fertility in my face bragging and boasting it felt like how someone used to pick on you in grade school making you the laughing stock. You stabbed me in the heart unknowingly but would you brag to someone with cancer about how healthy you are. You bragged even after I poured my heart out to you about how hard it is for me. It makes no sense how you could be so unkind. For the times when you have said "Have you thought of doing IVF." and for my reply back “do you know anything about it?” Do you know it costs over $20,000, that it isn't covered by insurance, that the chances of getting pregnant are about 20% and it can vary depending on what facility you go to. That there is no guarantee there will be a baby in the end just because every filthy rich 40+ year old celebrity does it and has twins. And no one even knows the long term effects of these infertility drugs...what they will do to a woman's body 30 years from now. And do you know the emotional turmoil a woman goes  through to do IVF? Do you know about the shots, the unexpected doctor's appointments, the "arrangements" you have to make at work without telling them what is going on? Do you know how many ethical things couples face when undergoing IVF? Frozen embryos and what happens to them when you don't use them. Or if there are multiples and having to make the decision to abort some for the sake of others. Or for when your husband has poor sperm and you have to resort to a sperm bank. I doubt one of these things crosses your mind when you carelessly just say "Have you thought of doing IVF".  For the times when you have said "Why don't you adopt?”. Do you realize how much that also costs and the emotional turmoil this also evokes? How you have to first mourn the child you never had to be able to deal emotionally with adopting. That you have to accept that the family you just thought you would naturally have is going to be different than you planned. Do you know how the couple is examined and cross examined about being fit enough to parent an adoptive child? Where as any drug dealing, heroine shooting looser can just go and get pregnant and never be questioned. Then there is the decision on whether to adopt domestically or internationally. I bet you didn't realize it costs over $20,000 to adopt a baby and often up to $45,000. That some foreign countries require you to stay in their country for 5 weeks before they will even grant you the adoption. And some require multiple trips. Do know how hard that would be for someone that isn't rich. I can't afford to take off that time from work. No one will give me maternity time off. I have to save vacation time and take unpaid family leave when I adopt. Do you know if I want to adopt domestically that I have to write a book of my life to "sell" to prospective mothers. That I have to prove I am worthy to be a mother. Do you know how this feels...I'm a decent human being that has to prove I am worthy...where as there are so many horrible people out there that are able to reproduce like nothing? Do you know what that does to my emotional wellbeing? That because I can not naturally conceive I feel like I have been deemed unworthy to parent. This is nonsense. But I feel you think that too because... For the times when you said "Well you know things happen for a reason". And me sitting on the other end of the phone in stunned silence thinking she did not just say that. And for me saying back, with a little bit of guts, "That is no consolation to me and what I'm going through."  For the time when you patted me on the back saying "Oh it will be fine, I just KNOW you will get pregnant."... because you don't know that. That just because you said so doesn't make it happen.  To realize there is no easy fix. To see that infertile couples might or might not get pregnant. I want you to realize you are no doctor. That you can not cure us by what you think are meaningful words. That we go to doctors constantly, who know what they are doing. We research our infertility problems in and out. We know what is going on with our bodies as well as the doctors and you do NOT know.  For the time when you decided to tell me you were pregnant and were worried about how I would react and then proceeded to say how you wanted me to experience your pregnancy with you. And how you hoped you could share your experience as you went along....your second such experience. And I sat there on the other end of the phone thinking I can try but it will be hard, don't you realize that. Don't you ever think about how I've been trying for four years and nothing? And now you tell me about how you are pregnant and how you didn't even mean to be. How you and your husband just "forgot" it was your fertile time because you do that family planning birth control. How it was God's blessing that you were pregnant. For the time when you said it was "God's Blessing". It implies I am not worthy for God's blessing. And when I hear all the stories on the news about horrible people having "God's blessings" I have to wonder are babies really "God's blessings" because why would God bless such horrible people with babies. You know like the story of the man in Austria who kidnapped his own daughter and kept her in the basement for like 10+ years - fathering SEVEN children with his own daughter. Is that "God's blessing"? Or the general bad stories of women addicted to drugs/alcohol giving birth to addicted babies. Is that "God's blessing"? Or the people who abuse their children and subsequently kill them...are they worthy of "God's blessing". The must be because they conceived children. So since I can not conceive, I must assume I am not worthy of "God's blessing". For the time when I sent you the article about infertility and you said you had a friend at church that has been going through this and you will have her contact me and give me Bible verses to read. Did you ever think I didn't want a “patch” of help from you? Rather that I sent you the article so YOU could TRY and understand what I am dealing with and so you did not say the same insensitive things to another person going through infertility that you said to me. I didn't want a referral to someone, all I wanted is understanding and acknowledgement that YOU can see this is difficult. That you can see how hard this must be for me. That you feel bad I am going through this. To not try and fix things for me...to just listen. For the many times that I just wanted someone to talk to that would be sensitive enough to not bring up babies. To think that I am not simply being selfish when I don't come around to family functions including baby showers. I want you to notice how I have to isolate myself from your groups because the talk eventually inevitably turns to baby talk. To realize it is self preservation for me. You think what I'm going through is nothing. You think it is something to "just get over". But it is so hard not getting the chance to experience the joy of being pregnant. It is so hard to be in the middle of those who are experiencing it and realizing you might never get that chance. It is so hard to be around your 4th generation of women in your family...when I only have me. One generation.  For the time when I just wanted you to say "Hey, you and me let's go get a cup of coffee." And as we sip coffee and chat away the subject of babies never comes up.