Translucent cloak

Today I woke up to plans. Yes, I had actual plans for the
day. I took 3 of my boys to the Park to meet my only girlfriend and her
daughter. I put on my happy face and made sure that I was positive and
attentive to her conversation. She is upbeat and is having a second child.
Everything in her life is planed and thus, everything is working out for her
very well. She asked me what I have been up to and like all conversations (not
just mine) starts off with the same familiar trivial episodes of lifes humdrum
events. After talking for awhile I reviled some insight on my counseling
sessions and what my Dr. has diagnosis for me. I didnt want to go into details
with her about such things but, felt that it would maybe help bond us and help
me by saying it out loud to someone. I guess that is what people call sharing.
I told her that he told me that I am depressed and should most likely get on
some kind of antidepressant drug. I have mix feelings about being on medication.
I guess I associate negative feelings toward using them. In my mind it shows
weakness, that I cannot control my own self emotions. I am a very controlling person
(self controlling) perhaps, that is not the right word. Maybe, the word I am
seeking is perfectionist. You cant be perfect if you need help right? Back to
the day, I said to my friend that I dont know if I will go on something quit
yet but, most likely I will. To my surprise she told me as your friend I feel
that you are a bit depressed OMG! I thought in my mind. Do I really reflect
this in my outer behavior? Can people really see this? Has my cloak of deseption faded? I have fooled myself for
a long, long time and now it is resonating out without my control. It cant be,
or can it be? So many questions for me to answer.

 

It was nice getting out for a few hours with my girlfriend.
I really need to work on creating more bonds with women my age. If I would be
the way I am perhaps I could. I am not quite sure if it is my feeling of
acceptance or if it is the other way around. I really will need to make a conscious
effort to try to get out more and meet more people. I feel as though I am ok
to be around with.

 

And so, I reflect on yesterday and the low I felt vs. the
good feelings I had today. I much rather feel the way I did today as a constant
feeling. The way to do this is to work at being more social. I guess we will
have to see if I actually do this or if I am going to sulk and bask in my own despair.