today

well yesterday afternoon was a trainwreck, my mind was spinning so out of control I had to take a xanax to calm myself.  Its so not fair.  I went through this already with Ella and now I am here again with you mom.  I know I am working hard at grief, but today I woke just slightly anxious and depressed.  Like on some level I am sadly accepting that your gone.  I hate feeling depressed, its scary.  I don't want to die I want to feel the innate joy that lives in me for my life.  I worked so hard to come back to myself after losing you Ella, worked so hard at learning to trust myself again in the respect that I could call to my peace and center when I felt off.  I just cant do that right now and it sends my mind into searching mode.  I hate it and I hate the cycle.  I love and value my life and all my gifts and I guess on some level I am waiting to feel that again.  Grief is an all over the place roller coaster mom.  It makes me feel like I dont' recognize myself.  Everyday is a struggle on some level and Im trying to keep the intention of faith and peace in the fore front of my mind and its so difficult.  I have only had two therapy sessions why do I expect to feel normal again? Because being in an uncertain state without your mom , your touch stone here is a very rocky place to be.  I miss you so much there are still days where I cry loud wails from my stomach as if Im going to collapse.  I miss you more now than I did when you first died.  But again, grief has no time table and no ryme or reason, couple that with PTSD and losing Ella, Im amazed im still standing upright.   But I am feeling some cracks of light in the day, some moments of non anxiety and I am able to get up and get going better than I did a few weeks ago.  my friend Mad always tells me baby steps, but Its hard to start baby steps when you already went through a horrific loss of  your daughter 9years ago.. But that is my journey and I have to accept that i will walk in the sunshine again and feel confident and strong again.  I love you mom.  Keep walking close to me as I work through all this intense grief.