This helped me realize my actions... found on wikipedia...obsessive love
So, i was looking at some things online, and tried to do some self help i guess, and i found this..... Moore, Forward and Buck believe that rejection is the trigger of obsessive love - also known as love addiction or relationship addiction. They state four conditions to help identify it, namely, a painful and all-consuming preoccupation with a real or wished-for lover, an insatiable longing either to possess or be possessed by the target of their obsession, rejection by or physical and/or emotional unavailability of their target, and being driven to behave in self-defeating ways by this rejection or unavailability.Characteristics indicative of obsessive love are:Obsessive lovers believe that only the person they fixate on can make them feel happy and fulfilled. Persons close to the love-obsessed can also be greatly affected. Witnessing a friend or family member suffer from the disorder can be distressing. The person obsessed cannot accept the other person to be happy when they are sufferingForms/stages of obsessive loveObsessive love is a form of love where one person is emotionally obsessed with another. Love addiction is a process addiction where a person becomes attached to another in an unhealthy, dependent manner. Relationship addiction is a process addiction where a person becomes addicted to his or her relationship. Codependency is a term used to describe when a person becomes dependent upon another for emotional and physical validation.  Potential causesHodgkinson believes several factors create a climate for obsessive love.Leisure, because obsessive love almost always coincides with boredom, as stated by Anthropologist Branko Bokun. Feelings of vulnerability and a perceived failure to belong because those who feel they do not have a recognized place in the world (e.g., those who are required to perform an unfulfilling job), and/or those undergoing dramatic life changes and the associated fear and lack of self-confidence will seek out an outlet for their anxieties. Hodgkinson believes this is the most important factor. An inflated opinion of oneself, as this is believed to ultimately stem from insecurity, with this insecurity driving the obsessed to seek an individual with attributes that they want for themselves. Particular childhood experiences, such as deep feelings of unworthiness during childhood that lead the obsessed to seek out one who finds the obsessed similarly unworthy in adulthood. Feelings of being special and/or different, as there is an apparent correlation between feelings of distance from peers (whether real or perceived) and obsessive love. Inequality between the lover and the beloved, e.g., the beloved may be married/taken, too old or young, famous, far away, from different social class or attractiveness level or otherwise unattainable. So there is a lot more to this but i found it very helpful. I believe i need to tell Billy about my problem, so maybe he can understand it better. I think it would probably help him too. This way he can get out of my obsessive relationship before it's too late. He told me something very sweet the other day, and it kind of touched me. He said, "Thanks for putting up with me Babe, i know i'm weird and thanks for putting up with that." That statement alone really tickled me. I fear once i'm in a relationship that the person will leave me. I do have a lot of issues, with trust, infidelity, insecurity, and i know i cling on to someone too much because of that fear. I need to remember how i was in the beginning and not lose my sense of logic. I need to not analyze things, and ride the wave as my friends tell me. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. I'm on 40mg of Prozac and have been on it for years, but it could be time for another dosage increase...I know i just FREAK OUT when i shouldn't over little things. I dont freak out in a violent way though, i freak out emotionally and get hurt and start crying. Sometimes i feel its essential to cry because it helps therapeutically. I dont understand how some people can never cry when it actually feels good and relieving to cry. I could be pregnant... its only been 2 weeks but Billy came in me AGAIN just the other night. He sent me a text saying he'd be happy if i was pregnant even though he's not ready, he'd still be happy. That made me smile so much. We've been together a month and a half and NO, ZERO, NONE fighting whatsoever. That's perfection to me. I hate to fight, i hate confrontation, but have never had a problem with it when it comes to being in a relationship. I remember with Johnny, i know i shouldnt mention him, but there were times where we'd just bitch each other out for a few minutes and vent, and we were fine after that lol. It helped to get it off our chests. One thing Billy does that Johnny did is give me hickies CONSTANTLY. Billy said he had to mark me to show that i'm his and i told him to reassure him that i was glad that i'm his. I've given em back just to play fair but nowhere near as much as he does with me. Why are guys like that? He's even admitted guys are insecure. Good to know! I also grew up with a mom who is seriously OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). There was a time she beat me countlessly with the end of a plastic flyswatter because i wouldnt leave the living room looking for a hairtie. (I know right?) I had welts on my legs, and i went to my bedroom and lied in bed with the comforter over me, and kicked and screamed for her to leave me alone. I guess i kicked her in the stomach and bruised her. I didnt know what a social worker was but at that time i talked to the school counselor A LOT. So she asked if it was ok to contact a social worker and she did. My brother defended my mom to no end and i'm glad he did. That definitely changed my mom's behavior and gave her a wake up call. There were times where we'd have to scoot the chairs in at the dining table perfectly on the line of the rug the table was on. It was insanity. My mom would make sure the door was locked numerous times. One time when it was just my mom, dad and i living in the house, because Eric and Dee Dee were already married we were going crazy with my mom because she bitched constantly about everything and nothing was ever good enough for her. My dad and i kinda teamed up against her and we both came home one day and found my mom sitting in front of the recliner with her .38 speed loader. She was crying, saying she didnt want to live anymore, and pointed the gun to her head crying. I took the gun away from her while my dad just put his head down not knowing what to do. I never thought these things would affect me so much, but i sit here crying as i type this. We always call this her 'pre Prozac' days. She's a lot better now, but dont get me wrong a lot of the things she did when i was younger affected me strongly. I think i've inherited the obsessive behavior from her. I actually know i have. They say that obsessive behavior comes from children of alcoholics or addicts. My parents are neither, but both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. My sister is an addict, but she's in prison right now. I write her constantly and love her dearly. This was a good entry, i feel a lot better from writing all of this.