Thankyou for your welcome

Thanks for welcoming me into the daily strength sight.  I have never been the type of person who talks to others over the net so I guess I am a little hesitant.  Not even really sure what to say, so please excuse my ignorance.   



I cannot believe that it has been over six years since I last posted something on DS. I never thought I would find myself back here and with so much water under the bridge I still find myself struggling to stay afloat with the same issues as before and in addition chronic pain, which although I have had most of my adult life, is now affecting me more than ever. I feel like I have simply exhausted all the resources that I have to deal with not only the emotional pain that I an enduring but the physical pain. which just seems to continue. I just want a break. I want to go to sleep at night knowing that although I will not get much sleep due to pain and although I will wake, struggling to move and desperate for relief that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is not that I wish it would happen to somebody else, I would never wish this upon anyone. It is just that my fight to fight the pain isn\'t as strong as it use to be and everyday I feel myself becoming less and less tolerant of it. Although I am certainly not suicidal and would not do anything to harm myself, sometimes I wish that I would just go to sleep and not wake up. I know it sounds selfish, but I feel I cant do this anymore. The inner strength I had that kept me going, although very hard at times, seems to be fading a bit day by day.
Although I suffer with depression which is reasonably controlled this feeling is different. If I thought getting on a plane and flying as far away from here as I could would help, I would have boarded that flight along time ago. But the pain will follow me wherever I go.
My chronic pain started many years ago when I suffered a broken ankle. I had plates and screws inserted into be ankle to provide support and when I woke from theatre I was in agony. I kept telling the Dr I would be okay if he could just take the cast off. The cast was causing the pain not my broken ankle. Eventually the Dr removed the cast and my pain was instantly gone, only to come back with a vengeance when a new one was put on. For six weeks I cried everyday in agony and when the cast was eventually removed the pain subsided. To cut a long story short, a bunch of nerves were caught up in the sutured area and exposed on the outside of my ankle. For months and months I endured pain as Dr\'s tried to establish how to treat it. Even having a shower with the water running on my ankle, or a sheet over my foot at night would send me through the roof. Eventually the nerves were destroyed by some kind of medical intervention and although leaving me with half a numb foot I am now relieved.
Not even two years after that I fell down some steep stairs whilst on a working holiday in England. Upon my return home to Australia tests revealed 3 factures in my spine which were causing a great deal of pain. So a spinal fusion on three levels followed by years of nerve damage in my legs and back led me to a pain specialist who implanted a dorsal column stimulator which I have just had replaced for the third
In addition to this I have been having very bad pain in my right arm. Add an additional problem associated with that and I need more surgery
I actually have a lot more to write about however as has been happening pain has got the better of me and I have to get up and move around as best I can before it goes beyond the point of no return. I will try to jump back onto DS tomorrow and keep writing about this as it is affecting my pain as well as the rest of my life. Thanks for listening DS, stay tuned