Talking With Kate
Talked to my counselor about what is going on with my life. About the men I've been dating and what my feelings are about each one...We really just discussed feelings over what happened with Jesse, and what's going on with James and Bob. We discussed relationships, some of the things to look for, and what my expectations are. Jesse, I knew was bad for me from the start. But wanting a relationship so badly, and thinking I didn't deserve better, I went ahead and let him in my life. Too often in the past, I settled for what was in front of me instead of going after what I wanted. Then I would force myself to have feelings for that person in order to make it OK to be intimate so I could feel loved. Never really realized I was doing that until we started talking about it, but that was exactly what I was doing with Jesse. I told my mother, when we were talking about all this, that I was actually ashamed of Jesse at times. She asked me why I stayed with him, I said I thought it was better than being alone. Kate said that with men and women, they approach relationships in a completely different way... Men give love to get the intimacy they want, and Women will give the physical intimacy, they know the man wants, to get the love they want so much. I am glad that things happened the way they did though, because I'm in a much better place now than I was before all this mess with Jesse. We discussed the things Jesse was doing now, and how I was responding to his antagonism. I told her about how he though James and I were a couple and he went up to James and told him that he wouldn't want me... I explained how I had responded by telling him either he leave me alone or I would tell everyone everything about how he treats women. We'll see if he takes the hint or if I will have to do more. Kate said this was great. She said I am being ascertive without being aggressive. In other words, I am not bullying him, but sticking up for me. A huge step forward for a woman who never stuck up for herself!When Kate and I discussed James, I told her that I think I latched on to him because of all the things he was saying to me and doing for me. Always saying how wonderful he thought I was and that he would always be there for me. I believe that I was confusing gratitude for the beginning feelings of love. Definitely a rebound thing for me. It always bothered me that I was spending so much time with someone who already had a girlfriend, and didn't seem to be in a hurry to resolve the issues I mentioned. But it didn't make me sad to finally realize that there would be nothing more between us than friendship. I didn't feel like I was loosing anything, because the parts of our relationship that mean the most to me will still be there. We will still have a wonderful friendship even though it's not going to develop into something more, and still see each other at Shubby's and dance. Bob, to me is exciting and alot of fun to be with. And for the first time, I'm going after someone that I know I like, and would be proud to call my man. I genuinely like him. He shares my sense of humor, and loves to talk about everything. I told Kate that I want to pay attention to the things he's doing, and how I feel when I'm with him. What are the things he does that make me like him so much, and figure out if I really like him and want to start a relationship, or if it is just the excitement of a new relationship, going out, and the fact that he is a lead singer of a band. Is it just being impressed with him... someone so new and different from those I've dated in the past. I know that it is too early for love, and that it is not about that yet. This relationship may work out, or may not work out...it is really about me finally pursuing someone I really want to get to know. She said if he really does care about me, than no amount of time that I feel I need to wait should be a problem for him. She gave me a chart with questions to ask myself about him as things go on. Things like is he attentive to me, even though he is with friends and family. Definitely yes right now... He never stopped paying attention to me when we were at that BBQ, even when he was talking to his friends there were small gestures that showed me he was very aware that I was beside him. And he tells them how he feels about me. One friend of his, Tina, that I was talking to at the BBQ, said that he is smiling so much more, especially when he talks about me or is sitting with me, and she was surprised that I was able to get him to dance Saturday at Shubby's...he never dances, she said. Other questions on the chart are about trust and support, respect, open communication and even questions about physical affection and intimacy such as respecting your partners boundaries and not pressuring someone into doing things before they're ready. I feel really good about going forward with things. You know, I really can't handle the dating more than one person thing. I can't make a date with one guy one day, and another guy later, that bothers me. But I'm not going to remain alone either, I'm ready to go out and be with people, have a man to go out and do things with. I spent 12 years alone, if I wound up staying alone, I would feel like I was going back to what I was before, and I won't ever do that again. I know I'm going to make mistakes, getting back onto the dating scene, but I'm not going hide from dating to avoid being hurt. I will be careful and pay more attention to what is going on and not rush into the physical intimacy this time. As I said to Kate, I want to connect with this person with my mind first, because when I'm intimate, it's like giving a peice of my heart and soul to that person... this time, I will make sure the person is worthy of that part of me. Because I am valuable and he better think that too!!