Sometimes empty is good

I went back to work finally. Now I am busy trying to catch up. Phone calls and lots of email and lots of tasks that are behind schedule now. This was my first experience of pneumonia. I hope that I never get it again. Pneumonia is not very forgiving.  My week started out good. Last week I got a call from an old friend of mine. It was really good hearing from her. I have not seen her for 20 years, maybe more. After church on Sunday me and my old friend met up at Starbucks and had coffee. We sat there and just talked for two hours about everything. It was great catching up on that time we didn't see each other. Time has been going by fast, because I am so busy at work. But my body and mind are still very tired. I just can't seem to stay awake. I feel as though I have not slept in weeks. But I am recovering. Well, I think from that my younger sister could tell I needed a break, so she asked me if I could go to California with her. I was pretty excited at that, so I am going on my birthday next Friday. I look forward to that trip. See, a good continuation to my pretty good week. Today was just as interesting. I went to lunch today with my friend that I carpool with. When we were walking back to my car, I saw a silver bug drive up across from my car. It looked like my old girlfriend's car. But teh license was different from what I remember. I stopped and just looked at the car, because it really looked like her car. I waited there a couple of minutes to see if she would get out of the car, but she didn't get out right away. I thought well if it's her, she is avoiding me. If not, nothing lost, so I walked over to my car and started to get in. I stopped and looked over to see her getting out and walking away from her car.  It sure looked like her but I couldn't really see her face, so I wasn't positive. I felt bad because I wanted it to be her and to say hello. And it felt bad because i thought how bad it feels to be avoided like that. I drove back to my office. After a little while, I sent a text message to my former girlfriend's phone and asked her if that was her I just saw a little while ago. She actually responded and said yes. I was really happy and sad. It was so nice that she responded to my question but so sad because then it felt like she really did avoid me. I responded back to her and said sorry - I didn't recognize her license plates and couldn't see in her windows to really know if it was her. She wrote back to me again and said she was actually going to come over and say hello to me but I got in my car and left. I didn't know it was her. She also said that maybe we can meet up soon so that I can sign the title to my daughter's car. I told her sure, just text me or call me when she wants to meet up.  Again, it felt good and bad. I did not get asked for anything except to do something that I have asked them to do a long time ago. My daughter's car is still in my name, because I bought the car for her when she was 16 and since she was under 18, she couldn't put the car in her name. Now she is old enough, so I will sign. It's her car. I feel bad because I really wish it was my daughter that was asking. I mean it is really nice to hear from my ex but it would be so nice to also hear from my daughter.  I feel good and bad. I can't believe how much this still hurts. My mind is so numb and my heart feels like it has no feelings anymore. For the last few weeks it felt like I was dying because I was sick. I kept telling myself that I don't want to die. But my mind felt like I was. I felt like I have never been forgiven for whatever it is that I did to my ex and kids that they choose to not be part of my life. It's hard to let go of the people that I loved and cherished so much. It hurts so much.  The good thing, I guess, is that my old friend from 20 years ago, is making me smile. It felt so good when I saw her and she gave me the biggest and longest hug. I have not had any physical contact for a very long time. I forgot how good it feels to feel the warmth of someone. I feel more empowered today in spite of the hurt. The hurt is there but it's different now.  I am not sure how to explain it.  I think I feel like I can get passed this empty, lonely, crummy feeling after seeing my old friend. We're going to go out to dinner and talk some more soon.  Well, enough of a long update. I want to go out and walk, but it's raining and cold outside. Not a good idea to be out in the rain when I am not fully recovered yet. I hope that someone else will hug me. I have some traveling to do now. There is someone in particular that I will go and visit. Been saying that I will go for a long time but have never found the time to make it. I will make my plans as soon as I return from San Diego.  It's almost 9 at night. For now, good night my friends! 

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deleted_user

*hugs* aww you\'ll have an awesome time in california =O