Some thoughts

I've been thinking thru my life and why I've become what I am today. What situations created the person I am today? I know that I've stopped being a big fighter for what I want because I always seem to get the short end of the stick. No matter how much effort I used to put forward, things never turned out for my benefit. I figured, 'why waste my time and effort?'
One thing hit me this morning. I've never had much guidence from my parents. My father was a very self-centered man. He had anger issues, and he had boundary issues. My mother. Well, she was just busy all the time. For a while, she worked nights, like I do now. But even when she went to days, things never got any better. I always felt like Becky was her favorite. I was always the one who behaved and did as I was told. Becky was always the one to go out and do exactly what she was told not to do. And yet, she was the one who always got what she wanted. I was always put off. I always felt on the outside, in my own family. But when I got to my mid to late teens, I started to hate my mother. I had always hated my dad, for obvious reasons. But my mom never seemed to be concerned about what I wanted... only how she could control me. I started acting out. My daughter was conceived in retailiation of my parents. I dated her father, because my parents hated him and his family. My mom said the men at dad's job would make fun of him because I was dating a Lowe. That made me angrier. And that's when I moved out and began a sexual relationship with him. (He was my first) I kept thinking, 'when does it stop being about dad?' My whole life, it was all about dad.
When I became pregnant, I reconciled with my parents, and moved back home. After I had my daughter, my mother seemed to use her to control me, and I hated her for it. She wouldn't babysit for me unless she approved of what I was doing and where I was going. I was 20 when this started. My mother wouldn't let us have the basement so there would be plenty of room for us. But she gave the basement to my younger sister when she became pregnant. She wouldn't let Courtney and I have 2 bedrooms upstairs when one more opened up, because she decided that we needed to be in one small room together. She would babysit often for my sister, but would not babysit for me if I was going out with a guy. It was hurtful. It still has the power to make me cry now. I never had guidence, just dominating parents who used their power over me to control me.
I think I'll end this for now because I'm getting so emotional. But I think these are some of the things I need to work thru better to get myself to a better place now.



You know, there\'s an old saying,\'The squeeky wheel
gets the grease\'. That sounds like what happened to you. Your sister broke the rules, and presented
a challenge to your parents. She made it impossible for them to ignore her, while you did as you were told, and followed the rules. They didn\'t have to worry about you. You were o.k., or
so they thought. They couldn\'t know what a heartache you were experiencing. As we realize when
we mature, is that a lot of mistakes in life are
the result of the need to feel loved, and valued.
Something you obviously didn\'t feel as a child. I
am sorry you grew up believing you weren\'t enough.
I\'m sure your childhood has made you a loving , caring parent, which is wonderful for your daughter. She will never have to have those feelings you did, and hopefully will never rebel
in a self hurtful way. You must concentrate on you
and your child, on making a good life for the both of you. Don\'t allow that little child inside take
the joy of raising that precious little girl away
from you. Take that unhappy, wounded little child
inside, hug her and wish her well, then let her go.
As a survivor of sexual abuse, I know how hard it is to let go, but you must. God Bless You, and your
baby girl. Cherrise

Your parents certainly impacted on your life and who you are and you had no control over that but you are an adult now and you decide who you want to be and try for that goal. You have to let the past go or they will always have that power over you, you are doing some really good thinking tho.