Self Discovery

I have had such a lot of self discovery and personal insight over the last two days.  It is amazing, as it really clarifies things for me and helps me understand my feelings and motivation.  Some of it is hard to admit, but I am healthier for acknowledging the truth of how I feel.  And finally, finally I fully see why C had such a strong effect on me.  That really bothered me, not knowing why I had such a strong reaction to him not being in my life anymore.
On some levels, I have been deeply resentful of my life.  The day in, day out parenting, the working hard for little reward, the sense of "dumbing down" to make myself acceptable to other people.  The never having a chance to be more than Mom, Auntie, Sister, Friend.  The lack of intellectual stimulation and the atrophied state of my mind.  It was my choice to live this way, and I never really even knew it bothered me.  It has been the status quo for so long.  Then I met C, and I remembered that I am more than a mom, or someone's sweet loyal girlfriend.  I am intelligent and funny and I have a lot to contribute to the world.  C let me be who I really really was, without judging or demands I couldn't meet.  He thought I was funny and witty and "mad smart".  He reminded me of everything I can be.
This is not to say I am going to make any huge changes in my life or walk away from what I have built.  It is just incredibly freeing to know I have choices, thoughts, ideas and a bigger place in the world.  With C, or even, God forbid, without him, I can be myself and not worry or care what anyone else says.  I can embrace the things I used to think made me special and unique, that I have abandoned and even denied for so long.  I can redefine myself anyway I want, anyway that is true to who I really am.
So this does not mean I no longer want C or care if he is in my life.  I am actually in better space with all this self-discovery.  Now, when he comes back, I can explain my feelings to him in a rational way.  Much better than being all weepy and "I love you" and "I need you" and scaring the crap out of him the minute I get him back:)