Same Old Same Old But Now With Lithium

Life is what it is.  I've been silent for a while.  I sometimes just can't write because the despair is overwhelming.  i move through the day like an automaton.  i do what i have to do, minimally at best, and am doing my best to make myself numb to life. 
i take care of me.  i take care of my sister, who neither likes nor loves me.  we never did get along - even as kids.  when i was little i went on vacation with my mum and my sister, who was supposed to feed my fish, let them die rather than feed them or take them out of the heat of the day.  how 'baby jane' ironic that we wind up together in this little house in this little town.
my animals keep me going.  who would care for them if i went anywhere?  i can't bear the thought of them being unloved, dying.
they keep me going.
when my mom was alive, there was love.  there was 'like'.  i still had friends.  my nieces were my friends.  but since she died and i had to go on disability due to major depression, GAD, and mild bipolar disorder, i've become someone that people don't like.  a paraiah to my family, who think i simply don't want to work.  my best friend from Florida accused me of doctor-shopping to find one who would get me out of work. 
i miss my old job.  i'd work if i could.  but i can't keep things straight.  i can't remember things when i need to.  i lose things, i can't even remember to write things down so i won't forget what i need to do.  i can't do it any more!!!  and they don't get it.
i feel as bitter inside as a dried up lemon.  i resent my predicament - but i am trapped financially.  i long for the little apartment i had when i first came back to michigan.  i love my house but it comes with a terrible, emotionally/mentally/physically draining price.  my sister.  she made buying this house possible for me.  i can truly call it mine.  but i must care for her and we have never liked each other.  and, god help me, we need each other.  am i evil for resenting having to care for her?  she's my sister.  i cared for my mom for 20 years, and i don't regret a day of it.  now there's nothing but regret.  my sister's down payment made getting this house a possibility, and i love it.  but what kind of person am i?  i should show my sister gratitude and care for her and her disabilities (bipolar, depressed).  but on her bad days she throws things.  calls me a thief. 
on the one hand, i want my house and the happiness it is supposed to bring.  the security of being home.  on the other hand, she makes me feel like a fox with one leg in a trap, ready to chew my own foot off just to get away.  i'm so confused and so pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!
to quote an old friend with a knack for saying whatever rolls out of her mind and out her mouth...life truly is one big clusterfuck.  full of worry, fear, never a dull moment, but only because of the bureaucracy of living disabled; forms, threats of lost benefits, promise of new ones, robbing peter to pay paul, payday loans which will never go away.  and 2 women living in a house, neither of whom are happy.  and i still love a man in a far away land who is a complete dick.  i am an idiot.  :-P
i start my lithium tonight.  maybe that will make me 'comfortably numb', as the song goes.
good night, sleep well, have a better day tomorrow everyone.