Sad

My oldest son struggled with bipolar, adhd and I believe he had defiant disorder as well. Very cutie boy grew into a very tall, handsome & charming young teen. He refused any med's at age 13 and began self medicating, that led to running away, auto theft, 4 different rehabs later and one yr in jail and at age 18 one yr in foster care. I went to all rehabs with his younger brother for visits, each time he came home I would eventually be forced to kick him out because of pushing and shoving and endless shouting matches with his brother and myself.  He has always stayed in touch with me and I help him find homeless resources in states he moves to. He does find work but his legal record limits the jobs he gets as well as no home address. He called 1 yr ago serious ski accident was in hospital for months, then 3 months ago he told me he tried to kill himself cut wrist but someone found him and took him to hospital. He promised that he wasn't ever  going to do that again. Hebcalled 3 months ago made it to CA from CO and needed me to email resource list for him. Every conversation over last 6 yrs is how sorry he is for the issues he caused luvs me. Haven't  heard from him now 3-4 months bo email reply nothing.


I cry alot wondering if he is alive is he ok? I'm just so upset he hasn't  let me know is k.


I don't know how to move forward and exhausted from pretending that he is ok?