Right Now

Had my second son's fourth birthday party yesterday. Lots of family staying with us.I did too much and will pay. Not sure how much yet.  I don't WANT to overdo it, it's just that I don't know what's too much. I'm living this partial life taking it way way easy and sleeping a lot and barely volunteering for stuff as room mother at first son's school and it's still too much. This new body is hard to get used to. I am thin and have always been a dancer, active in my children's activites,  in great control of my body and energy. It's like living in a house you've lived in forever where all the rooms keep changing places with each other and you never know where you are, wandering room to room trying to find where you are.Yesterday I had a mini-breakdown while sending my little one off with a friend and her son to their goodbye party at school, admitting to her and myself that I couldn't go. It took everything I had to get out of bed to care for him til 9am when they came to pick us up. I felt so sad not being able to go to this - with my son and my dearest friend, even with her driving and handling the wheelchair I still couldn't do it. I have always gone to my children's things and have loved it for eight years now, never missing my old working days.I recognized it as mourning the loss of who I was as I don't know if and when I will be able to get my "house" back the way it was. I know that God, if I can just trust him completely has bigger plans for me in all this. Sometimes the first step is giving up all that you know to make room for better things. I need to start meditating regularly on that to comfort me and give me some badly needed strength. Here in Texas, Lyme sufferers are sorta few and far between. Its rare that I meet someone like me so I see now I have been feeling very alone. I so appreciate my friends here on this site but also as a solution I need to really realize I AM alone in this and need to find ways to give myself strength, courage, and patience to walk through the long and unrecognizable hallways in this house for as long as I have to. For as long as it takes.