I know it'll be painful. I know it'll be sad. I know that it'll bring a silence over me for the rest of the night. Still, here I am. Maybe that's the problem: I throw myself into situations that I don't need to be in emotionally. I don't have to feel the way I do. Like it's said "it's how you react to the situation that makes you a better person". But again, my life is dictated by bipolar. Still. Even my parents hold back from telling me things in fear of how I might react. And just imagining how many of my friends feel the same way, it's so insulting because I work so hard to stabilize myself and to show the better side of me, even when I'm dying inside. But no one on earth can read my heart and mind.
Tonight I declare a new goal for myself. Like I said, it's painful. But the new goal is to face reality and accept it. I'll need SO MUCH help. To be specific, this story is typical. I've been in love with the same person for years. He's made it very clear that he feels nothing for me. I gotta face that truth and be ok with it. But I just love him so much and we've been through so much together. How can I simply and easily just forget or put it behind me? Obviously for him it was nothing. How did he do it? The most difficult part is that soon I'll have to be ok to see him with someone else. I don't believe that I can do it, especially when here I sit so lonely in this small town. Lately, he's been leaving me so empty inside. But I need to face it.
This isn't the only reality I need to face. There's others like recognizing my failures and keeping my integrity as I ponder over all the things that I cannot have. Last year I took a two month trip to Oregon. Don't get me wrong, I love Texas. This is my home. But I should've stayed in Oregon, for the simple fact that I had in my fingertips a life of my own. A place where I could succeed.
Well now I'm just rambling . . . lol. I'll say goodnight before I write all the details of my life. haha.
to be continued. . .



heartfell journal, I like it, you seem to be facing some things head on and handling yourself well. You do the best you can wih all of this, breathe, one thing at a time. I have faith in you. Hugs xo