one more day

Time is a friend and an enemy, but I feel like Im moving backwards.  My dreams last night let me wake up with a horrible feeling all day.  I am consumed with guilt for the things I should've done better.  And why can't I stop feeling so  much love for the girl that has made my life hell for the past three years?    There we great times, alot, but still the bad were so bad, cruel and hurtfull I don't know if I could get over all that's happened even if she did call me again. And following the pattern, leaves me, tells me she never wants to be with me again and that she never loved me.  Then calls me back again in love and sorry.  It's been about two months now and I haven't heard anything.  Is she really done?  Will she call again?  She won't even talk to me other than to tell me how horrible I am and I need some real answers. Oh well rambling again I guess.