numbing agonony

numbing agonyBy Andrew Z. such pain shoots into my heartsuch emptyniess...yet nothing can filltears always fall down my cheek..yet i never know why i cryis it because i hate being angery?being abusive? longing for deaths sweet call?so that way noone can be hurt by my abusive yell..abusive hit abusive words.. HOW am i to cope when im so evil??!!ive hit my mom defensivlyive thought of raping my sister in nightmares!ive fought with sisters leaving brusesyet IM to forgive me this damned monsterHOW HOW am i to be forgiving to all i didi dont deserve this forgiveness everyone talks of i am evil!! im so fucking evil Razors have carresssed my skin bottles have been drankpunches on myself bruses hiddenpills taken anger numbedsleep deprived yet it never works Death it call so fucking bad that i can feel it in my heartI long for it Yet?? yett..friends want to me to live  to help to guide Yes ive helped othersYes ive guided and healedYet still im an abuser it doesnt change me im a damn fool noone should love, care for meyet they do What do i have that everyone loves??dont they see this abusive demon i am?or am i hiding it through my innocence? I know i have flashbacksi know i caused flashbacksIve yelled ive argued ivehurt god have i hurt yet i cant forgive myselfyet others have *tears*i should die take the damned razor cause the agony to numb me stab my heart out noone else hurt by my abuseive wordsabusive hands and abusive actions Yet friends forgive mefamily accepts meYet how am i to accept itTHey bearly know of wat ive done I hurt others I cant forgive myselfthey forgive mei help others they dont know of my dark pastthey think im so lightso holy im a damn evil wanna-be protectori should die the worst way possiblehonestly id accept that right now I cant live with the mistakes ive made yet everyone wants me around so i have toto helpto guideto supportI HAte living death seems the only outlet Punishing myself for my abusiveness... Razors caress my skin calling my blood to me i drink it gently knowing that i deserve it im evil and only i deserve this pain i must keep others as light and innocent as i can My life is to keep others alivemine means nothing less then the dirt itself for now i hide loathing hoping to die-end 8/9/09 4:39 Am  

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Andrew you are a nice person and I just wanted to send you lots of hugs. It is good to talk about things, and it is also good to let it go, These goals that you have is very good.
caretakerofthefallen
caretakerofthefallen

if they ever worked they would be