Now my son won't have anything to do with me.

Well now I have lost my son. He has decided he won't have anything to do with me. Can't be bothered to talk to me or send me an email. I think I am going to implode. I can't take this life any more. I don't understand what I have done to deserve all this horrible pain and treatment. Next Saturday is my son's 20th birthday. I have asked him before he left for school to let me know what he would like as a gift. No response. I sent him an email a week ago asking him again to let me know what he would like or if he doesn't want anything to just say so. No response. I called him yesterday, he answered "yeah", "Hey how are you? are you busy?" "aaaa.....well I guess I could talk to you for a few minutes.....""I just called to say "HI' and I had a few questions." No noise from the other end. "so how's the weather? We hear you guys have a lot of snow?" No response. "Listen if you are busy I could call you at another time?" No response. "Kyle are you there? Several seconds almost a minute,"yeah". "Hon you need to answer me." No response. "Kyle you need to talk to me or else just forget....what have I done to upset you?" "Nothing, its not you." Well just forget it Kyle, I'll call you back later tonight" "Okay". I called later that night for him,(there is a 3 hour time difference)he didn't answer, I really didn't mind. I left him an upbeat happy sounding message, of "could you call me tomorrow as soon as you can, I will try and be brief. Love you!". I got up this morning, sat around had a leisurely breakfast, no call. Got on the internet and sent him a chat. "hey Kyle are you awake yet?" Waited 1/2 hour no response, sent another chat. "Kyle are you busy?" Waited 45 minutes. "Are you alive?" no response. Sent him another chat at 3:15pm his time(I started at 12:45pm his time)"Hey Kyle are you free?""Yes" "Oh good when can you call me?" No response. After 10 minutes I chatted back"hey could you please explain to me why you can answer almost before I send a chat one time then I don't get any response?" "Sometimes I am on the phone" "Are you busy now?" No response. "Kyle answer me!" "Maybe I don't want to talk.""Just say what you want Kyle" No response. So I lost it. I can't believe it. I have done everything to try and keep a connection open between he and I because he keeps telling me he loves me, just doesn't always know what to say or how to behave.I have made every excuse in the book to myself and everyone that knows he and I. But I can't do it any more. I guess I really did divorce my husband and my children. They will have to be dead to me for the rest of my life. I hate this more than anything else that has happened to me so far. He was my last hope. I don't want to admit to myself that I wasted 18 1/2 years trying to love and help those 3 people. That I sacrificed my own wants and needs so they could have not just want they wanted but what they needed. They all 3 came first in my life. I always believed that when push came to shove they would all be there for me. But they have proven beyond any doubt that they can't stand the thought I exist and will lie to hurt me even more. My son is one hundred percent in line with my ex and daughter. And I have to accept that. To date I have tried so hard to believe he was different, but he's not. I don't understand what it is in the DNA of the Gunderson's but there is obviously a terrible mutation, that causes anyone with their genes to use and abuse those who don't carry the gene. I don't know why God has done this to me, but I will try to accept that some how I am blessed to have had this all happen to me. I wish I could just die or become brain dead, because I can hardly accept or deal with this reality. But I know I must deal with it and I will. I will harden my heart and my head so this can be dealt with. I know there are more people on this earth who's problems are ever so much worse than mine. I must always look at the bright side, now I know the truth. I don't have to spend any more energy thinking about any of them, or even to acknowledge them. I am going to my old house to try and get most of my personal things on Feb. 12th, so that I can truly put the last brick in the wall against all of them. I will have no other reason after the 12th to even think of any of them ever again. I wish this wasn't the way my life turns out, but you can't change what is. So hopefully I will meet more people in my life who care for me and love me and will never treat me the way these people have.
I will go get dressed, wash my face off, and go over to Dorothy's and watch TV and work on my taxes, etc. and forget all about this.
Thank you for being here DS. Without this journal I might have lost what ever mind I have. Thank you to all my friends who have been so supportive to me. If I can do this, forget about them all, I will  probably not write any more in my journal, mainly because I don't want to accidentally remember any of this. For those of you that are my friends please contact me at macgunderson@gmail.com. Thanks.