Not knowing

Today is an anxious one. Confused and not too patient. It feels like all the mistakes I have made since my meeting my friend can only continue. Everything was always getting in the way. I listened to my gut instinct too much. And I waited and waited trying to understand what was going on and trying to give my friend space. I tried so hard to not pressure her. And I had to keep certain truths to myself. I had to make our kids a higher priority. Sometimes unexpected things would happen and divert my attention. Years passed by and it was always one more day. Last week my friend finally talked to me, though it was to let me know that she is okay after the tornadoes and to take care of my daughter's tuition. We talked about other things but in any case and for any reason, I was just so grateful to hear from her. But Friday night was the last time she talked to me again. I have sent her a couple of messages but she hasn't responded to either one. Maybe she is busy. Maybe she has not checked her phone for messages.  I wanted to get the music video and letter to her. I wanted to get it to her last night. I wanted to rush over there and hand it to her. This morning I wanted to do the same. I was waiting the final cut to come in but it didn't, so this morning I burned the rough cut. It's good enough for what I am trying to do - to tell her how much I love her and want her back. My bodyguard said not to just show up unannounced. It'll wait a little bit longer while we come up with a way to get the video to her. So now I am waiting. I accept that I cannot just rush over there and jump right back into our relationship. As much as I want to, I know that would not be a good idea for her or me.  But every second counts. Our lives can change that quickly. And I am very afraid that something could change the situation again and cause my whole apology and proposal to fail.  Not knowing what to do ... not knowing what will happen ... not knowing what she really is wanting ... it's a killer on my soul.