moaning

Hi,  Ive just got back from a festival (sonisphere) and im feeling pretty low. I know its probably coz ive just come back from being away and the routine of daily life has just zapped me back from a high, but im just feeling pretty shite. I threw up a shit load while i was away, the sickness thing hasnt stopped at all. and neither has the insecure bullshit. i try to do the challenging distorted thoughts thing that they teach me at my cbt but it just isnt working at the moment. im really trying to tell myself that im just thinking a load of shite but it just keeps coming back worse. Ive been drinking, i shouldnt drink, i know that, but i just start and cant seem to stop. altho i have today which is a good thing. but ive probably got a fuckin booze problem, and a fuckin eating disorder to go along hand in hand with my personality disorder. Fuck im so pissed off. i feel abandoned, the maggot went home early coz he wanted to sleep. and thats fair enough, but only seein me for a couple of hours fuels me stupid insecurities and bad thoughts. god that sounds selfish, weve just got home from a festival and im talking shite and slagging off the only person other than my dad who has never let me down. cor aint i just a bastard! well he has been goin home early lately anyway, but then he does work his bollocks off. cor, the more i whinge and moan and explain my feelings the more i dont like myself. why do i always feel like my feelings are invalid? and not justifiable? i shouldnt feel. I text him earlier and said that he is more important than me. i know that people would tell me that that is wrong, and if someone else said the same thing to me i would tell them not to be such a prick, but i really believe it. i think that his happiness is more important than mine, and its not just him, its not just a love thing, its anyone, i dont count, i come last its just the way i am and the way it should be. cor dont i whinge?! i really should shut the fuck up im just a pathetic moaning fool who should buck her ideas up and get a life. ha least i aint on facebook, then i would have to worry.