long time, no entry...

Well, it has certainly been a long time. It has been a very bad year for me. The good news, I got promoted to nursing supervisor in Mar. The bad news, I'll probably have to resign from that position before long. My pain has been hellish. I tried lyrica and became so swollen with edema I was worried I would have congestive heart failure. I fell down some steps Memorial day weekend and injured my hip. Then I became very weak and finally called my Mom to come and get me from work before I passed out on May 28'th. My husband met us at the ER. My B.P. and heart rate were through the roof and I had a critically low blood level (no, not from my cycle, I am on bcp's that only allow a cycle once every 3 months, and I started them only last Oct, even though my husbands been "fixed" because they had gotten so severly painful and caused me to end a family vacation 2days early). That night, on May 28'th, I was admitted to the hospital where I stayed in the critical care unit for 3 days while they got my blood back up.  I refused a blood transfusion so it took a very long time for me to get my strength back. I was missing alot of time at work and had fmla approved through the hospital my peds practice is owned by. Despite that the senior physican, the practice manager, and the office manager called me into a meeting where she (the senior dr) literally yelled at me and told me I needed to choose between my job and being sick because it (my being out sick on and off) was going to end that day. Obviously I need to work. I pushed myself until on July 2nd I sat in my garage for over an hour with the car running waiting for the aganozing pain to end. I've never been depressed or unhappy. I am the woman most people would like to hate because I love my job, have an adoring husband, a beautiful straight A's daughter, nice home etc. But the devil is in the pain and I just couldn't stand it 1 more minute. Until my husband called to check on me because he was worried about me and was sending my daughter home at lunch to check on me. I had only crawled to the 4th step and was soaking wet and unable to move when she came in. I'm sure she was horrified. Needless to say, after that my husband called the dr and he got me in with a pain specialist the next day. I was on percocet until the begining of this month when they finally understood I need something that lasts longer than 4 hours. She started me on the lowest dose of kadian (a long acting morphine) but even that isn'e a high enough dose. I called her this week to ask her allow me to increase it and she said she wants me to wait until I follow up with her next week. I tried to stay low but I can't. It's just not adequet pain management for me so of course I had to increase it on my own. I hate that because the pain management dr didn't want to put me on pain meds so my pcp has been giving them to me. I have been getting acupuncture, triggerpoint inj, and prolotherapy for my pain dr...until last week when my pcp called her and told her she needed to prescribe pain meds that were longacting...after all she is a PAIN DR and PCP. Well...thats about it. I'm about ready to step down from full time nurse supervisor to part time phone triage nurse. I am afraid of what will happen next week when I see the pain dr again (I'm afraid of the "you let me down by taking more meds than you were supposed to and that violates our trust relationship" speech) but like my hubby said, she broke my trust that she will be ablet to provide sufficient pain relief. My daughter is going to turn sweet 16 next month and we have been planning her party. I am worried she too may have fibro because she frequenlty complains of back and leg pain too. I haven't told her what I think. I don't want to cause any worry on her part. Finances are terrible and worrying about not being physically able to keep my job scares me. It's just been a shitty year and I pray it gets better soon because although I've never been an unhappy person, this chronic pain has caused situational depression and anxiety.