Long time...

So it's been a very long time since I've written a journal, but there's a lot of reasons for that....
 
Where to begin??? The last journal I wrote was back in July, so much has happened since then, so much has changed, and yet... Much hasn't as well. Let me try to break it all down...
 
Life in general:
     Well, I'm still working for my new job. Apparently I don't entirely suck at what I do and I guess that's a good thing. I work all the time, I'm usually exhausted at the end of each day and I never have time to do anything fun anymore. I lost almost 60lbs! I'm actually in pretty good shape now and I plan on keeping it that way, even though the holidays do make that a challenge... I have actually made a few friends that I would consider "real" friends and it's kinda nice to know people have my back.
 
Big News! I finally got into the Fire Department!!! It took months of getting bounced from doctor to doctor, but I did it. The FD requires a physical to be done when you join. I went in and since I'm a smoker, I figured the breathing test would be the only thing I would have any trouble with. WRONG! I passed that with flying colors (to both mine and the nurses surprise). When it came time to do the EKG, that was a different story. Turns out I have an abnormal heart beat. So I got sent to a clinic to get it checked out. There I was told I had a heart attack!!! I didn't remember having one, so I was pretty shocked. The said I'd have to go to this other doctor to get cleared for active duty (the vast majority of firefighter deaths are heart related and having a bad ticker means, no fire fighting for you...). So I went to this other doctor, he asked if I had had any unusually intense stress lately.... Previous journal entries which were all written just before these events show... FUCK YES I HAD INTENSE STRESS!!!! So, without any details, I explained to the doctor that I had just gone through a very difficult break up which resulted in the loss of my job and best friend... He told me that's what did it. This break up had caused so much stress on me that it had given me a minor heart attack and that it would have just felt like chest pain for a guy my age. WHAT THE FUCK!?!? So He sent me to get a stress test to see if my heart could handle being a firefighter. This test is pretty much where they make you run on until your heart is almost ready to explode, then stop you and take pictures of it. I not only passed the required amount of time, speed and uphill climb for the test, I exceeded it. Still, no dice. That doctor said the same stuff all the others had and said I'd have to go to a cardiologist to get cleared... So I go to the cardiologist. He walks in and says, "Who the hell told you you had a heart attack?". Apparently, I have an athletes heart... The valves on my heart are a little wider than most peoples, which allows it to pump faster and harder to allow for more blood flow. Which on an EKG, looks similar to someone who has had a heart attack. Finally, he signed my paperwork and I joined the recruit class.
 
I graduated on Nov. 15th. I am officially a firefighter now and it is the most fun thing I've ever done! It's exciting and dangerous and rewarding. I fucking love it! I am hoping to go career in the next few years, I just have some more courses I need to take before I can start applying.
 
Andrea:
     Well...... I have no fucking clue. Last time I was on here, her and I were still kinda working things out. We had eventually ended up deciding to be friends cause she couldn't bring herself to leave him and we still both really cared about each other. It was getting worse by the day though... Eventually it ended up with her taking me to go shopping to make him a "sick basket" (yeah, I know... Pretty twisted on her behalf). While we are shopping, the conversation ended up with us talking about us and..... well.... She pretty much said....
 
She loved me, she wanted to be with me, but because I have herpes, she never could and never would. That, it wasn't a big deal to her at first, but now it is and she can't take the chance of being with me. If I didn't have it, she'd probably have ended up with me and not him.
 
That was actually the last time I really hung out with her... Not by choice, she just got more and more distant after that. Eventually pulling away altogether and stopped talking to me. Blocked my number, wouldn't return emails, started bad mouthing me to coworkers, kinda just started to hate me... This was all before I had even mentioned to people that a doctor told me he thought she had added to the stress that lead to a heart attack....
 
So now, I am at a loss... I'm still very much in-love with her and have come to accept that this will probably never change. I don't bother her, try to contact her or anything. I do ask about her and worry about her all the time though. She's always on my mind. She was my best friend. One person who actually got me and that I thought cared about me. I want nothing more than to have her back in my life. Just as my friend.
 
She recently wrote a journal on here that really scares me... She'd cutting again and it sounds like she's in a really bad place and I want so bad to help. Also, I've heard emotionally, she's in a weird place... Possibly considering leaving adam, wanting to date this chick she met, admitting she has crushes on coworkers... She seems very confused and I'm very worried for her. I don't like knowing a loved one is in pain.... I just don't know how I can get her to let me back into her life......
 
My Depression/Mental State:
     Shit! This has been all over the place. From all the events of the last few months, I've been up and down. I was drinking constantly and heavily. I fell off the deep end for awhile. Now, I'm not good, but better. Barely drinking (only socially), haven't cut in months (I get beat up a lot between work and the FD enough as it is), trying to stay busy.
 
I did have a few realizations though.
     1) Part of why I joined the fire department is cause I do and probably always will still have a death wish. Being a firefighter puts me in a position where I am going to face life and death regularly. This is probably a healthy outlet for it though. The way I see it, I'm fearless when it comes to firefighting, (my melted helmet and burnt jacket will show that) so, if I die during a fire, at least it's for a worthy cause.
 
     2) I'm not the same guy I once was. I'm changed now, better and worse. I look out for myself now. I'm kinda a prick when it comes to women now (not proud of that, but if they aren't Andrea, they aren't shit to me). I have a new sense of just being badass (this I like). I kicked so much ass during my training and did things I never thought I could. Faced scary shit without even flinching and had fun doing it.
 
So, that is a summarized version of what's going on. I will write more when I can, but I'm super busy lately.....