Loneliness

What's wrong with me? Am I that unlovable? That forgettable? I really really hate my life. I wish all the time that I would just cease to exist so the pain would be gone. I am beginning to believe that I made a huge mistake in getting married. Obviously, it is too much to expect that my partner (whether married or not) would spend his time with me. Give me his attention. Especially when the time together during the week is at a minimum. Whether talking about past boyfriends, or my current husband, I have to say that my biggest complaint is that there was never enough consideration for what I want, or what my needs are. I'm simply 'going with the flow'. Doing everything on his schedule.
It makes me angry every time my husband tells me how much he loves the way I am. That I make things s easy on him because I'm so easy going. I don't nag him to do this or that. I'm not a jealous wreck who constantly argues with him about other women he might talk to. And so on and so on. Blah, blah, blah. For all the good that does me! For all the things he loves about me, he sure doesn't show his appreciation by giving me what I need. I don't feel valued, or respected. The things he does that I tell him I don't like, he keeps doing. Little annoying things. Things that I'll do to him (after telling him several times to stop it) to show him how annoying it is.
How does that happen though? To be told how great you are, then to be taken for granted. Anymore, I fake being happy when I'm at work or home. I really don't feel good about anything anymore.To tell the truth, James used to be everything I needed and wanted. I had a man that worked hard during the week, but the weekends were mine. I felt like he wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. I felt like a priority in his life. Now I feel second to work and making money. Or really, to any of his other responsibilities. Now I feel like he 'sells' our weekend time to the highest bidder. I don't have close to enough time with him, and I'm tired of having to fight him for time. When you really love someone, don't you give that person what they need? Why would you pretend to be something you're not in the beginning of a relationship, then change to something different later? Where is the sense in that. Please, just strike me down now. I can't think of anything worse than a husband that refuses to see that he's breaking my heart. I'm losing faith in people, in love, and in living at all.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Depression and unhappiness and feeling rejected are so difficult and painful. I have personal experience of them all and do understand. After a while it begins to be a vicious circle. A loop that feels impossible to get out of, it begins to feel like being stuck in a room with no doors or windows to get out. I have found that the i had to stop depending on my H for the love and attention I needed. I had to stop being the giver in all my relationships which helped my H and my children to see me again. You don\'t deserve to be low on his list of priorities.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Maybe you are so easy going you have under valued your self in his eyes and he may think you are happy with life the way it is now. I don\'t know the answers for you,people do change for good and for bad maybe the question is, do you lo9ve him enough to live with the situation the way it is? Life has it\'s ups and downs so hang in there and see how it works out.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I understand your disappointment and frustration. I hope and pray that you will feel better.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are really hurting,have you and James thought about marriage counseling?
I\'m single,my husband died but I do remember feeling like you, left alone, second,everything was more important than me,I was always there and he knew it.
My hub loved me but I do not think I let him know how I felt, if I had he may have been there more for me.
Male and female...we are so different. I hope you can talk to James, tell him exatly how you feel and work this out. You deserve to be happy.XOXO
deleted_user
deleted_user

I didn\'t know what to say yesterday. I didn\'t know if this was venting. I know I just didn\'t think it was the time for advice. I only know that I had to start grief support again. I am still in the dark as far as feeling depressed, and wondering why things ended up the way they did with my wife and I. I feel bad you feel sad. I just know that you told me you really didn\'t want to divorce your husband, so that\'s why I didn\'t say anything. I hope you\'re feeling better.


Love,
Dan
deleted_user
deleted_user

I really think you need to speak to your husband. My husband and I will be celebrating our 30th Wedding Anniversay this year and I can remember a time in our marriage where I felt the exact same way. I felt like I was his last priority to everything else in his life. I sat him down and told him exactly how I was feeling and he had no idea I felt this way. Communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Talk to James and tell him how unhappy you are and be very direct. Make him understand how your feeling. Hang in there. It will get better if you have open communication.