Letting true feelings out
As much as I want to sleep and rest my carpal tunnel wrists.. I need to let go of some stuff, get it off my chest and stop feeling like I'm going to cry every day all day. The past week or so I have spent in my bedroom, in bed with Netflix. Hell, I've done that a lot the past few months. I am fighting severe depression and anxiety. My mom almost died. June 1st. I was so afraid to go to sleep because I didn't think she was going to wake up. I have been under such high levels of stress since.. Well, since September. School, my best friend needing emergency surgeries and having a stroke during surgery, now my mom almost dying. My brain has literally shut down on me. I feel like a zombie. Normally I am excessively perceptive, I don't miss a beat, I see or hear something and it's not leaving my brain...but recently it's out of my head before it's even in. Getting out of bed to actually engage in activities is my worst nightmare it seems... Whether it be work which I never really enjoy, or volunteering that I love...it's dreaded. I just don't want to. I keep finding myself wanting a drink... I've driven past the last bar I drank at a few times this past month... I keep remembering how drunk I got and ... I want to feel that again. That bar holds a lot of memories... Of my ex and I. When I see that bar I see him, and I see myself losing it because of him. I'm happy in my "new" relationship, we've been "unofficially" together 7 months, officially 5.5. He's my ex from when I was 15/16, my first love. His mom signed a birthday card for his nephew for me, signed it from auntie.. Said I'm auntie now. And she refers to me as her future daughter in law. My family loves him too, it's amazing, we're so in love. I try to focus on the positives.. I was told to think of 3 things I'm grateful for every night, they outweigh the bad. I'm grateful for my sister Trina, she helped when my mom..., I'm grateful for Daniel, he's been so supportive and loving, and I'm grateful for willpower, keeping me strong and sober in the darkest of days.