Learning from myself

Some of you may know that I write fanfiction.  Mostly Starsky and Hutch.  Today, I received a review from one of my stories.  I had written it a couple of years ago, and to be honest, I'd forgotten it.  I decided to read it.  Boy was I surprised.  The story was about a man who'd lost the woman he loved.  He wasn't coping well.  Sort of like me.  In the story, I saw my life.  Yet it was written before my husband passed. 
I felt like I was reading something written by someone else.  It was strange feeling, but I learned something by reading it.  I must be grateful for the time I had with my DH.  Up until now, I hadn't realized how much time I spend thinking about why he isn't here with me now.  Like the character in my story, I'd just learned to look like I'm doing fine.  Instead, I'm locked in the past, filled with regrets.  Almost as if I expect to travel back in time and fix things that were not right.
I think when I wrote the story, God was giving me a message--one that I wouldn't fully comprehend until a much later date.  Today I understand what I must do.  I must put away the pretence of living and actually do it.  I must go back to making plans instead of hoping that plans are made.  I must let the joy of life fill me, never taking it for granted.  I have two wonderful grandchildren.  I say they are a gift from my husband because I never had children.  I think I will start there, becoming more a part of their lives.  And one day, maybe, the smile I wear will be real.

Replies

OnMyOwn2010
OnMyOwn2010

You have reached the letting go phase/stage...one of the hardest to get through...but letting go does not mean you stop loving them...it just means you start living again...for them...I believe that is the best way to honor Snake\'s memory...by living, laughing, loving...it\'s what he would tell me to do...he always put my happiness above everything...so what I do, I do for him, in honor of his memory...Welcome back to the world of the living... Hugs ~E~
deleted_user
deleted_user

Truhal, I admire you so much... You are such a wonderful person, it\'s no wonder your H fell so hard for you. I truly hope that one day the smile you wear is real and not just for show... You deserve to be happy and I know your H would want for you to be happy, as do all of our lost loved ones, okay - maybe not MINE, but, everyone else\'s.

Know that you are in my prayers tonight and every night...
HUGS
Karen
Lininsocal
Lininsocal

You know the saying \"When the going gets tough, the tough get going\" Believe me when I say that I admire your tough. You have been faced with so much and you just don\'t give up, you have always kept going serving as an inspiration to us all.
DianeMTB
DianeMTB

You are in the healing process and now ready to live in the now. It is a good thing. All the best from Diane B.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You\'ve come such a long way on your journey. I feel privileged to have followed it with you. And what a meaningful lesson we can all take from your story.
Hugs, Gail
deleted_user
deleted_user

I agree with Diane and Gail.......you have come a long way and are now in the healing part of the process. Thank you for letting us share your journey and Godspeed to you as you continue on.
Hugs, Dianne
pathoflife
pathoflife

Tru....

What a magnificent way to say you are ready to live again. Hallelujah, you\'ve got some dandy days ahead! It surely was providential that you wrote that article at that particular time. And I would guess that it was not just a coincidence that the review came back to you at this particular moment in your grief. Go for the gusto and dogpaddle when you must. Blessings to you. TJ