Just sad...

I haven't been on much, haven't journaled much, maybe I should but sometimes I feel like all I do when I journal is whine and then I remember that all of you are going through the same thing I am and are the only ones that understand and relate and it's not a pity party, it's real life with real pain at the loss of our children.  This week has been tough and I knew it would be after Kiran went home and the house was empty again...just me and my cat and my ex across the street.  I've spent all week crying off and on and sometimes during the oddest times...it just hits.  I had to get a new cell phone, my other one died, and of course I just swapped my sim card from the old to the new.  I put my old cell phone in with Chris's stuff because I still have his text messages to me the day he left and his last words to me before I got that awful phone call was "luv you" and I wanted to keep those words forever.  I never save anything to my sim card because I was always afraid if I lost my phone someone would have access to what ever I had saved on that sim card (all my contacts, etc) so I just have never saved anything to the sim card.  But when I put my old sim card into my new phone and was getting ready to enter all my contacts into the new phone I discovered that my last text messages from Chris were transferred to my new phone.  I was glad cause I still have those messages but baffled as to how unless somehow I did save them to the sim card but I sure don't remember doing it.  Like I said this has been a rough week and funny thing...twice this week I have picked up my phone to check the time and Chris's message "luv u" was on the screen.  Was it a sign?  or just coinencedence? 
Sitting here listening to all the firecrackers and fireworks go off and hoping everyone I know had a great and safe 4th of July.  This is the first year I did not go to see the fireworks...I have always loved the fireworks...but  just couldn't do it this year without Chris...we never missed a firework show since he was born...and then when Kiran was born and our tradition continued....never missed a firework show together....
My best friend wanted me to go to Atlanta this weekend and spend today with all the friends for a pool party and eating and drinking and socializing...but I just couldn't do that either.  It's hard for me to go to Atlanta anymore.  I love my best friend, Leigh, to death, we have been friends 23 years now and have been through and helped each other through alot of things over the years, and the other girls as well.  But all our kids also grew up together and as much as I love all the kids, it's now hard for me to be around them because Chris isn't here anymore.  And it's hard for me to be around too much of a crowd anyway anymore...just can't handle it.
I really hope one day this awful gut wrenching pain and crying will ease....I can't stand it...and I hate everyday without my child here...and it's getting harder to function.  I went for a physical and even my doctor said it was time I took something for a little while - a min of 6 months...and I finally agreed.  I know it will never take the pain away but if it will ease the continuous crying and help me learn how to somewhat function, than I guess it's worth trying.  I don't know...pain, hurt, crying, confusion, questioning why....I just want it to stop.
 

Replies

Sandi2947
Sandi2947

Sandi, I am just so sorry for your pain and mine. I love you and hope we will meet soon..God be with you Your friend, Sandi...Ken\'s mom forever
Robin4
Robin4

It\'s so hard for such a long time. Please follow the doctors orders and if you can just keep the edge off a little, maybe you will see hope. In time the pain will lessen and it won\'t be as intense. It\'s hard to realize that at this point but trust us who are a bit further down the road on this journey. Sending you prayers for strength and to find some peace and rest tonight. Much love. Robin
dougadoug
dougadoug

I would take it as a sign. Someone once told me there are no coincidences. The pain is so unbearable, but it will ease up. A year ago I did not believe that, but now I know it is true. I felt like you do - I just want it all to stop. Doug is constantly in my thoughts, but I don\'t always have that gut wrenching pain. Hang in there, one day at a time. Do something nice for yourself, nurture yourself. It will help. Love and hugs, Sue
KandL
KandL

I would take it as a sign as well. My grief counselor says to embrace them.I wish you more moments of peace. Praying for you love, Linda
biowoman
biowoman

The gut wrenching pain will stop, you will want to go and do things again, you will watch fireworks again...but it takes time. Do not force yourself...take baby steps...you have to take care of you...and have no expectations of when or what you should feel. Love to you...Karen
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

No need to worry that you sound like you\'re whining here ~ we all know the gut wrenching pain and sadness you are feeling. And we all know and trust, that with time, though you will always have that Chris-sized hole in your heart, you will be able to smile, to laugh, to enjoy seeing your friends in Atlanta. It will be a new \"normal\" but it will be much easier to bear than what you are feeling right now.

We\'re just coming up on Corrie\'s first angel date (July 27th) and so our year of horrid, horrid, horrid \"firsts\" is drawing to a close and I\'m hoping that the dates will be just that much tinier bit better with each year.

Please do take care of yourself and allow yourself to be nurtured and, yes, to giggle at a silly scene in a movie or to enjoy a few minutes at a lunch with friends. You deserve it! And when it is time to cry, cry long and hard ~ you will begin to feel refreshed and cleansed by it.

Sending love and tight prayerful hugs ~ Debbie