is it friday yet?

I think i'm feeling better today. I still have a sick feeling in my stomach but i don't feel so hopeless. I'm a bit less angry and i think writing helps.  But sometimes i feel so drained afterwards. Is the anger just a way to keep going cos without it i feel a bit blank. I re-read some of my earlier journal entries fro last year and i was happy about the birds singing and the blu sky. I can;t remember the last time i could even see the blue sky and not just cos of the weather. I can;t seem to open my eyes any more. I used to walk around in my head but i could open my head (while they were already open, does that make sense?) and see things new, like i hadn't even seen them before. I can't do that now. A twig is just a twig, the sky is always grey and even beautiful shoes leave me blank.  I know the word for it - anhedonic - which i think sounds friendly and slightly alcoholic (!) but it is not friendly or fun at all being here - and i'm trying to stay away from alcoholic too. I loved that bit of me that could look at the world like nobody else - i guess because it was that much darker all the rest of the time. And now it is always dim grey. I miss the moments of extra brightness, i'd even accept the truly dark back if i could have them again.  But anyway, this was supposed to be about how i am doing better. Less weighted. Mostly because himself made a superhuman effort yesterday to be smily and kind. It made my world so much better but i feel it must have cost him. There's always a see-saw going on and one of another of us is always in the down side.  But then perhaps it was the chocolate and cherry pie! Hooray for chocolate and cherry pie.