I question if i should be saying this...

but i can't keep it to myself and i suppose i need to hear a reaction good or bad so maybe i can adjust myself or seek more appropriate help or i just don't know what. but today i am feeling so "triggered" i want to self harm so desperately. maybe its because i'm a dad and its father's day and i regret that i haven't been more than a kind of absentee dad. that is abuse too i think. to not be actively fathering throughout your children's childhoods. well at least i didn't do what my father did or moreso i didn't do what my mother's father did. but i wanted a happy family for myself and my family and we couldn't do that because i was so dissociated for so long and had no idea. now after so many times of the world caving in on me, it is just caving in even more. if i were alone right now, i'd do a real job on myself. no having to sneak around to do the harming. i'd really .... i just feel so in need of it. it is an aching need to damage myself to damage parts of myself.. to destroy parts of myself. do you know what burning desire is? this is what i have now. i thought i was shifting back into happiness last night but now, if only i could find a place to be all alone with implements of self destruction. i would do a real job. and i feel frustration and anger that i can't. i know you'll say "good thing he can't" but i want it so much. i really wish this could be my life's success. what is it that i lack? it is courage after all. courage to do anything rather than nothing.

Replies

Time2livelife
Time2livelife

U cant keep living like this. Something isnt working. U need tell yourself its your depression telling you ur not good enough and shut down the negative thoughts by saying i done my best given the situation and i do not deserve any more harm done. Keep repeating it every urge that comes. Its your depression talking and its not real or fair.
I understand having that urge so bad to need to want to damage and harm yourself but cant because people around. I used to resent m living with me because i couldnt self harm while he was there. That ended up making it even more addictive because when i did get the chance it was even better release. It shouldnt be that way.
Self harm is not good.
U need to review what is and isnt working in life and stratagies and make some changes. Good luck
extraterrestrialone
extraterrestrialone

thanks t2ll, i've been trying to get into an intensive program and with my therapist we've been doing therapy in a way that touches on issues but is alway touching on fun/happiness also. i actually walk away feeling good lately when i used to walk away feeling miserable. but also, this thing has a way of taking of and making me miserable without my seeing it comeing and realizing what its' done until i'm so caught up in it and i look around as realize that this is the place i'm so accustomed to.