Going forward

     I'm really just trying to make sense of my life and the people in it. I feel so completely out of it and I just don't know where to go with everything going on. James and I are having a few little problems, but we'll work everything out. My work and my friends, well, I've never been good at dealing with people when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of or overlooked in the big picture. My work, well I'm just completely clueless in what to do. I work with two guys who have alot in common. My supervisor, Jerry, is in his first position as a team leader with the schools. And Mike is in his first position as a custodian. I know he doesn't like his work. Hell, who grows up thinking, 'I want to be a custodian'. It's just something we wound up doing because being a custodian with our school district pays very well and comes with all the great benefits of a good job. The thing is, when Mike and I come in at 2:00 each day, we clock in and Mike goes and follows Jerry around and socializes, and I go to work like I'm supposed to. Mike screws off too much. It seems like he can't pay attention to the simplest rules, like not clocking in more than 7 minutes before our shift begins because it will register as overtime. Yet Jerry talks to him all the time, Mike always knows more about what's going on with evening activities or work contractors and such. And I'm always feeling like I'm the responsible one and left in the dark all the time. Before you can say anything... no, it's not helping to bring Mike's flaws to Jerry's attention, or to the attention of our Principal (who just goes back to Jerry).     Next fun situation is Denise, a new friend of James and mine. We've been offering help and support. She's in a bad boyfriend situation that she just didn't seem able to break out of. Well, we incouraged her to get back into her own apartment and offered to change her locks if neccessary. Her boyfriend, Tom, is very dominating and manipulative. Anyway, she did announce that she was moving out of his place, and back to her apartment that she was still paying rent on. Last nite, we were all meeting up and one of our favorite bars for James' B-day. The place is called Sugar's and we love going there as much for thier pizza as for the karaoke. I invited my sister & brother-in-law. Michelle (my best friend) and her husband Bob, and they brought a friend with them. And last week, we invited Denise. Her boyfriend is a bouncer there. Anyway, we reserved the back banquet for a party of about 10. James and I got there, and Denise was already there, and had already filled our reserved banquet with her family. I couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't believe that she did that when she knew that we were having a B-day party for James. We didn't know any of those people. I couldn't look her in the face. I was pissed off and when I get that way, I try to talk as little as possible to avoid saying something that will really really hurt those around me. We got another table pulled up and the rest of us had to cram around it. When we were trying to get the chairs around the table, Denise ran off to the bathroom. James turned to me and said 'did you make her cry?' Why the hell would it be my fault that she's running off to the bathroom crying? The only thing I said to her was 'I can't believe the banquet is full already. We'll make due with this I guess.' What else could I say. What she did was totally out of line! Not one of those other people were with our party so what she though she was doing, I don't know. Incredibly inconsiderate and thoughless and I'm so friggin tired of receiving that kind of treatment from people who are supposed to be friends. It even pissed me off that James started getting sharp with me until I realized that he was just trying to do damage control. He wanted me to go into the bathroom to get Denise but I wouldn't do it. I told him that I had not said anything mean or cruel to her, and what else could I say anyway. I could go on and on venting but I won't. We settled everyone down and did our thing. I gave James some Oregon Duck (football) stuff he could put the windows of his truck, and got him a new watch that he loved. James and I wound up leaving after a couple hours though. My sister had to go home due to school the next day. So we took the others, minus Denise, and moved to a new location. We still had half his cake left and we wanted to pass it out to other friends. I think we had a better time once we left Sugar's. There was too much tension even after we started the B-day thing.      James and I talked on our way to the second place... of course he was tipsy and that's when he wants to talk the most. We talked of driving around the places we grew up and some of the bad memories that come with them. He grew up in Council Bluffs, Iowa, and I grew up across the bridge in Bellevue, Nebraska. We both had really bad stuff happen to us as children. We've both had truely terrible relationships with the opposite sex. We've come a long way. I feel so tired with life though, and he doesn't. He's able to keep a positive outlook on things. I'm in a bad place right now. My heart hurts so much of the time. I feel so betrayed most of the time. I'm just not in a good place right now and I don't know how to get back to it. How do you stop being bitter with God? How do you stop hating the people around you when they are so thoughtless. How can you keep from resenting the people at work that get ahead by being dishonest with work, but everyone trust them because they've got great social skills. How do you not get tired of all that and not become so down on life. I hope I can find a way to get back on a positive track, because I don't know how someone can live with so much pain and anger.