Food for thought

Ive been in hospital again because of my throwing up, i was in for a week, and ive been out about a week.I went in because my potassium what low again and i needed more drips. I was in there thinking "if i stop being sick then they will let me home" so i just stopped being sick. Because of this i think it must be mental. i dont really know what its all about, ive never put my fingers down my throat and it always seemed to automatic and that i couldnt control it.Since leaving hospital ive not once thrown up breakfast, but some days ive thrown up quite a lot. Ive really been tryin but its really hard. and the problem is i can eat and eat and eat until im so full that im sick and im still hungry, so i have to try to just eat a certain ammount and then say enough is enough and give up, but its really hard when you never feel satisfied by your meals.I spoke to the guy that did my CBT and he said that the eating disorder people (who ive been refured to) wont take me on because my bmi is too high, and since then ive been eating more so my bmi must be getting bigger. i dont like the way im getting bigger, i know in reality im not a lot bigger than i was before, but i feel absolutely huge and i really dont like it. its awful. and my dad keeps sayin ill be as fat as i was before. Im really frightened and scared, its so difficult, and im really tryin to not eat and eat all day, and im really tryin to not just throw up my food, but its so hard, and i cant really see the motivation, i mean yeah i dont wanna go back to hospital, but it was so much easier before. Its so hard putting so much effort into not letting myself be sick.Im really struggling, im not sure if i have an eating disorder, im not sure i am even entitled to be in the eating disorder support group, but i have a problem with food. i just cant get enough of it hehe My mum wants to help, but shes all like "now youve admitted it i can help you!" and "you are not coming round here eatting everything" and "you should lock all the food away" i just want hugs. fuck knows whats gunna happen to me, this is shitxxx

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deleted_user
deleted_user

Have you ever heard of prader Willi syndrome, Not saying you have it but maybe there are fellow suffers there that might be bale to help & understand you\'re frustration