first entry

i feel so lost.  just when i think it could be getting better, it feels like i get sucked into the same old pattern.  if i just left my head alone, half the problem would be gone.  i'm constantly running my fingers over my scalp, depositing all that oil and dirt.  this must make my scalp more irritated and blemished.  and in this constant touching, when i find a spot or a bump, it is so hard to resist.  sometime i tell myself i'll just pull once but it is such a joke.  i know once i see the sticky white root, i'll just want to get more and more and more.  my fingers hurt and my scalp is pink and scabbed and so inflamed.  my hair gets so greasy just from constantly touching it.  more than anything i just want to be able to stop thinking about it and not have to worry about how to hide it.  i was doing so well for a moment in time and i felt so empowered, and then, like a junky, i fell off the wagon and started the old addictive habits.  i was feeling so proud of myself for not pulling for about two weeks.  i really think it is habit forming and addicitive, so maybe if i can just get over that 3 day hump again i can stay straight again.