feel the need
i really feel the need to have these goals again. i slipped today and i felt so ashamed. it wasn't disastrous, but it was significant. it makes me feel like all the hard work i've accomplished in the last two months now means nothing. i know this is not true. i'm scared that it's the change in my medication, because i really want to come off of it. it totally fucks me up sexually, and i don't want to always have those side effects. i felt so much fear inside me when i was pulling. i kept having the thoughts of "what if this is it" and "what if i go back to being a disaster"? i feel like a disaster right now. i feel so full of crap. i feel like i'm treating my body like garbage and so i feel like garbage. i'm avoiding the pool. i'm eating crap. i feel down and kind of hopeless about everything right now. i keep waiting for this moment of clarity, the moment of wanting to kick my own ass into gear. i want to feel good and proud and healthy and hopeful. if i can be pull free til thanksgiving, i will treat myself to a detox at the spa. maybe i need a carrot dangled in front of me too!