feel the need

i really feel the need to have these goals again.  i slipped today and i felt so ashamed.  it wasn't disastrous, but it was significant.  it makes me feel like all the hard work i've accomplished in the last two months now means nothing.  i know this is not true.  i'm scared that it's the change in my medication, because i really want to come off of it.  it totally fucks me up sexually, and i don't want to always have those side effects.  i felt so much fear inside me when i was pulling.  i kept having the thoughts of "what if this is it" and "what if i go back to being a disaster"?  i feel like a disaster right now.  i feel so full of crap.  i feel like i'm treating my body like garbage and so i feel like garbage.  i'm avoiding the pool.  i'm eating crap.  i feel down and kind of hopeless about everything right now.  i keep waiting for this moment of clarity, the moment of wanting to kick my own ass into gear.  i want to feel good and proud and healthy and hopeful.  if i can be pull free til thanksgiving, i will treat myself to a detox at the spa.  maybe i need a carrot dangled in front of me too!