Father's Day

I haven't been on in awhile and I have missed everyone.  I don't really have an excuse for not being on here...my days just aren't good and it takes all I have just to do what I have to do.  My grandson has been here since June 5th and we have had the best time...he has really been good for my heart...he is growing up so fast and getting so tall and is such a gentleman and such a clown....he is more and more like his dad everyday!  It's been so bittersweet with him home this year...his first time home for his summer visit without his dad here but he has done fantastic...we talk about his dad often and it does my heart good to see him smile when he says "Nana, remember when me and dad did.....", he is such a blessing!  He goes home next Sunday and I'm not looking forward to that day...I always hate the days he goes home but especially now.  This time last year we were having brunch with Chris at his work...he cooked us brunch and we sat around and talked and joked and had the best time and to see Chris's face light up with his son around will forever be burned in my memory.  Today we are spending the afternoon with Chris's dad...I know this is a hard day for him as it is his first Father's Day without his son.  We are taking Kiran to the cemetery to put new silk flowers in his vase, Kiran picked them out and they are soooooo pretty and we will take 3 red roses to put in the bud vase we leave out there for our monthly flowers we take and then we are taking Kiran to the lake to swim and then coming home and cooking out...we will have a good day with Kiran here!
The 10th of June was the 6th month anniversary of Chris's death and it was such a bad day...a double whammy...it was also his dad's 50th birthday and he asked me and Kiran not to get him anything or even say Happy Birthday to him...he said to him it was not a day to celebrate without his son here so we did as he asked but we all spent the afternoon together after I got off work.  He had Kiran all day while I was working and that helped him.  He has been keeping Kiran everyday he's been here while I am at work at it has really done pawpaw a lot of good to spend all this time with his grandson - they have had the best time.  I asked Kiran the other day if he was ready to go home cause I knew he was missing his mom and his little sister (and another sister coming Aug 19th) and he said he missed them but he didn't want to go home...he was having too much fun with his pawpaw!
I've done well with Kiran here because I don't want him to see nana cry all the time.   I'm beginning to think it's never going to get "easier" as time goes.  For me it has gotten worse.  I stilll can't believe that my son is gone and I cry all the time.  I know life will never be the same, there will always be the biggest hole in my heart, and the pain of missing him will always be there....but I had hoped I could cope with it a little better by now...guess not.
I wish all my friends on here a good and blessed day!
Love
~Sandi
 

Replies

CorriesMom
CorriesMom

Hi Sandi ~

What a blessing to have Kiran with you this month for Chris\' Dad\'s bday and Father\'s Day. Your journal entry is wistful and sad but there are definitely sparks of hope and determination to make the most of your life.

We are approaching Corrie\'s first anniversary. I agree that the holes in our hearts will never heal over but we will learn to work around them more and more effectively. You are already finding moments of peace and comfort and even happiness with Kiran. I find that crying is cyclical ~ some days I go with no tears at all, then other days I find myself walking around with the \"punch in the gut\" feeling all day.

Like you, when we first lost Corrie I thought \"oh, I\'ll be really really sad for a few weeks, then I\'ll be fine\". I was appalled and stunned when we read on the MADD website that the \"acute\" phase of grief can last six months to four years! And then to learn that Moms who lost their children 5 or 10 or 25 years ago are still sad. Yikes ~ I did not sign up for this!

You\'re doing really well and I send you blessings today for a day that brings you, Kiran and Chris\' Dad more smiles than tears.

Love and hugs ~ Debbie
biowoman
biowoman

I am so sorry that the lows are still so low for you. I was wondering if you have talked to your doctor about this...it is different for each of us...and many need meds or counseling or both. As I read your journal I do see that you have joys as well...and so hopefully that indicates more gentle times. It is a hard journey...but you are making it...you are stronger than you know...love and hugs...Karen
dougadoug
dougadoug

I am so sorry the struggle is so difficult. Eventually you will have more \"better\" days than not. I did not believe it could ever happen, did not believe I would never not be doubled over in pain, but it has happened. Like Karen said, you are stronger than you know and will find ways to cope. Life will never be the same but we will find a way to make it livable. Love, Sue
Sandi2947
Sandi2947

Yes life will never be the same Sandi, and I think the pain will be there forever. It is just not natural way of life our kids before us. But even though it has not been 6 months yet for me somehow I feel some peace...maybe cause i got so sick and Ken was there..Of course i still cry and miss him every day, every minute, but somehow I am holding on. We the new grand daughter, i know Ken\'s life continues that in itself is a blessing. Thre will never not be a Ken somewhere in our family...I count myself lucky for that...I will say a prayer for you cause I know how hard it is..maybe cause I am still so weak from the surgery that I don\'t let myself get upset as much my body can\'t handle it...but I know we love our boys and they will always be loved and miss. from one mom to another mom Sandi..Ken\'s mom forever...
misshim
misshim

Sandi ...... it sucks ...... it sucks BAD.
I love ya and I still think about you very often. Chris and Justin are still near us.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh, our precious grand children. I love love mine. I wish I had them near me all the time. They make things better, like a puppy when your sick:) I\'m glad your back with us. Love and hugs, Danette
deleted_user
deleted_user

Yes we are so very lucky to have our grandchildren I too wish Jack was closer he makes the days so much happier. You will have better days, I did not think it was going to happen and then one day you begin to see the world in a little better light.You go up and down up and down I am trying to focus more now on the happy times and it seems to work.But I agree with misshim it sucks bad......