Falling back into the rabbit hole

You think you're fine and then something comes along and knocks you off your feet. For me, it seems to be vacations and I'm on the biggest. I'm teaching summer school for the next three weeks, but that's only four hours a day. It leaves me with a lot of time on my hands. My mind spends that time thinking and getting depressed. I can't even begin to think about when summer school is over. Then I feel guilty that so many people would love so much time and I can't understand why I can't just enjoy myself.
I had a miscarriage in September. It was to be our first. The devastion that moved into my heart began to change the way I viewed life and what I wanted from it. I used to say that I was going to be one of those teachers that taught forever, only to realize that I was slowly losing my patience and am not sure how long I'll last. I'm switching from high school to early intervention in hopes that I can get back that "I'll last forever attitude!" For the first time, I'm struggling with my faith. God had always been my best friend, someone I could talk to at any time. I went back and forth between being angry with him and thinking he didn't exsist. I am finally getting back some semblance of a relationship with him, but it is completely different than it was. I no longer trust him like I did and feel that I have a lot more control then he does. I went to church once since the miscarriage and cried the entire time. I just can't bear to sit amonst people that are so happy and at peace with their God when I am in such pain. My relationship with my husband lays in a state that I can't even put into words. I struggle with the question of how I can love someone but not want to be with them. Especially after saying to him a coule of weeks before we lost the baby that I didn't think things could be any better. Now I struggle with expressing my feelings to him, touching him and trying to get to a place where I feel that we are partners and not roommates again.
Maybe it is all for the best. Maybe I will figure everything out and see in the end why I had to endure such pain. But right now it is hard to see through the tears and feel with such a hole in my heart. I'm so afraid that nothing will change and I will always be in this sad state of limbo.