day one...

well after a long while of not being on here and finally getting the meds helping, im back to try and drop the walls and ask for help. for a long time ive delt with my problems and refused to let anyone see them....might be why my last relationship failed the way it did....i wasnt in a good place and he was in about the same shape.
but this isnt about him....though in a way a small part is sence missing him does get painful at times. Things where perfect when all was going good. had a chance for everthing i have ever wanted being with him. a life, someone to love, and a family one day....
there i go agian...this is about my lonelyness. ive never really had freinds in my life and the few i have had never lasted long. only one did, and to this day i smile just thinking of him cause those two years where the only time i remember being happy (not counting the year with my ex boyfriend, my lost love cause i was very happy then) most of this comes down to that in all my life i was only truthfullly happy around two people.
i grew up a military brat, we never stayed in a place for more then a year and with me being an overly shy person i could never relax until it was too late. ive always felt out of place around people and never been able to find ways to start conversations or make choices involing others. Like what movie to watch, or what music to listen to, or anything like that.  To make it worst ive spent the past almost year and a half hinding from everything and everyone.
I have three friends of sorts....  ---A guy i talk to online and half of that is helping him with his problems. ---My old best freind who only a few months ago i got back in contact with and things are very edgy with him cause hes alot like me...without the major depression. ---The other is a mom with 5 kids that is kinda dating my bro and was my moms freind long before i even moved back into my moms house.
i want people i can hang out with, people that i can just have fun with and be myself for once. and because im the way i am .....i see no way of that happening and that causes the lonelyness i feel every moment of every day