Today it has been 9 months already since my Chris left to be an angel. Sometimes it seems so long and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. And in 3 more months it will be his first year angel date. I can hardly believe it's almost been a year already and I still can't believe he's not here anymore - I'm having such a hard time with that. Last night after I went to bed it just hit me (again) and I cried until I guess I finally cried myself to sleep. And of course today with it being the 9th month, my feet didn't hit the floor before I was at it again. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to be able to go to work and get through the day - but I don't have a choice - I had to work. And of course I will be going by the cemetery to visit Chris and to take him his 3 flowers I leave every month on the 10th, one from me, one from his dad, and one from his son. I hate having to go to the cemetery to "visit" my son. I would rather be meeting him at AppleBee's in Pelham or somewhere in Southside like we use to do once or twice week before he moved in with me and then we had more time together. I have so much I want to tell him and talk to him about and ask him about and I still do that from time to time - I just don't get a response or an answer. Sometimes I find myself wanting more and more just to go and be with him - this is just too hard and the pain - well you all know the pain - it is almost unbearable. And then I think of my precious grandson Kiran and how hurt he would be if his Nana left him too and how much I would miss watching him grow up and I know because of past history when Kiran was younger and things with his mother that Chris wants me more than anything to stay here and watch over his son and take care of him the best I can with the distance he lives from me because he isn't here anymore to do it himself. And oh how I love my little man - but oh how I miss his father. This never seems to end rollercoaster I'm on really needs to stop.