Confused and Strangely Ok
How can I be lonely when I want everyone to leave me the hell alone?? The holidays are upon us and I'm not dreading it as much as the past 2 years. This will be my 3rd Christmas without my mom...who's birthday was Christmas day. I'm ok with it, for the moment, and even in the mood to decorate. But I just want to do it for myself. One sister-in-law and her grown children keep their distance from me now - consequently, so does my brother. So I have no expectations of being included in their celebrations, and the lack of expectation really does make things easier. But this year, I see myself sitting on the sofa, Christmas tree decorated and lit, watching the snow, the birds at the feeder outside, and reading a book. I want lot's of snow. It just makes everything seem pure and fresh. I love the glow of the colored lights in the snow. I love the silver-blue nights. I want to play with my dogs in the snow, curl up with them and my cats in my cozy living room, and keep the world from getting in. Had a call from the insurance company today that handles my disability and the guy asked me if I had any thoughts of going back to work yet. HAHAHAHAHA. I keep having a recurring nightmare where even though I'm on disability, I go back to my job to see if I can handle it. Every time, I make a huge mistake, just like I did so many times on my jobs. Poor memory, no concentration, bad judgment. Am I ready to go back! I can't even remember what's in my bank account from day to day! My sister with whom I share a house, is going away for Thanksgiving and I will have the house to myself for a few days. I'm so geeked about that. I don't let her know that, but I just really need a break. So I'll have Thanksgiving dinner with my other brother and his family (who are very accepting of me and my illness), and will spend some time enjoying the solitude. I've even scheduled a massage for Friday. A hot stone massage. And I just might get my nails done.