Brief history of how I ended up here...

09/07/09 173 Victim of incest by male family when young.  No support from mother, she lived in denial. Husband was unfaithful all of our 25 year marriage.  Stayed because I believed I could change him, and family pressure.  Most of his lovers were my girlfriends at the same time.  Suprise and betrayal! Working environment (law enforcement) over 24 years was filled with anger, negative, harrassment towards females.  Became worse as environment became corrupt and unstable.  Stayed because of time I had into retirement, and  I needed income, insurance, etc.  Left due to rape.  Broke the brotherhood code and became the enemy of all co-workers of 24 yrs.  Shunned and rejected.  Approved for PTSD retirement. Divorced just before rape, friendly divorce.  Still friendly with ex-husband.  Do not date, have not had a relationship since divorce in 1995.  Trust issues.  Besides sex has always been a negative in my life. Have two children.  Son, 34yrs is married and has one son.  Wife has never accepted me, and is tolerant of me at times, while mean spirited at others.  I live with them right now due to high medical expenses and low income.  She is abrupt and terse with others as well, but I have a difficult time living with it.  Grandson is middle school and is living as I do avoiding negative contact.  As a result we each live in our rooms most of the time at home.  No communication other than short questions and/or responses.  Grandson will not show positive emotion towards me when his mother around.  I understand, but hurts.  (Daughter-in-law grew up in a different culture, with different thought processes.  She cannot/will not understand my history and thoughts.  I would be thrilled with tolerence towards me and a smile).  I am not to be included in their family daily activity, plans, etc.  I give them a lot of space so that they won't feel invaded.  I am planning on moving in Jan/Feb even though I cannot afford it.  It is necessary. Daughter, 37 yrs is married and has one step daughter who is in high school.  She is under a lot of stress due to economy, living in CA, etc.  I have a lot of contact with her over the computer, phone, and one/two trips to CA each year.  While  I do not agree with a lot of my son-in-laws thoughts on life and finance, I keep quiet and get along fine with him.  Medical issues:  SVT (rapid heart rate), high blood pressure, irregular heart beat, diabetes, sleep apnea, depression, anxiety, panic, high cholestrol, asthma, etc.  Many medications to take each day.  Unable to handle social situations very well.  Going into a known "safe" environmnet I can make if okay.  New, abrupt or negative situations and I panic.  I never know how I will handle it, either run and hide or stand firm and argue.  While I am writing in this journal, my mood is fearful and anxious.