Awake in the middle of the night
Here it is on Wednesday morning, just before 3:00 am. I woke up because I had one of my episodes of waking up to wheezing and unable to breath. But I got my breathing back on track and I am just needing some time to fully recover. I am changing I think. I felt last night like I wanted to just say to hell with everything. I am fighting for dear life. I tried contacting my daughter again last night. I needed to know what her apartment number is, but she just completely ignored me. No answer, no response. I seem to not exist to her anymore. Maybe I need to say screw it all and just walk away. Maybe that is what people do when they "move on". But here is one of those cases where I have to pull myself back down to earth. I love my friend and my daughter too much to just suddenly pretend they don't matter. I believe that they are worth fighting for. I am sorry if it seems like I am dwelling on this problem, but I am losing my daughter and it feels really bad. I am losing my friend ... everyday it feels like she is slipping away further and further. But every night when I go to bed, I say good night to her and tell her how much I love and miss her. I do love her and miss her. I wish I knew why my love for them is being tested like this. Maybe something bigger with them is going to happen and this is preparing me for it. I just don't know. I am so confused. I have no answers. It's hard to let go of the problem when it feels like they are drifting out to sea in a storm and I am trying to save them but they won't reach out their arms so that I can help bring them back to the shore. They are just looking at me. I just don't know.