I was thinking today as Halloween appraoches and I became very upset thinking about how last yr DH would tell me that to remember she is to small to get into it this yr and how next yr will be our yr.  He talked about how I could pick out the costum for her but he would be carving the pumnkins and though we would be both taking her trick or treating, he would be the one in charge of holding her hand and I would be video taping and taking pics of this.  I think back about how I was not going to let him see her costum until the day of so I could get his reaction.  I could see it now, She would be dressed as a lady bug and he would see her and in a high pitch ahhh tears would form out of the corn of his eyes and he would say WHY DO  YA DO THIS TO ME>  Oh she is my baby over and over again.  He was never emotional until I got PG and then something went over him.  Tonight Madigassgar 2 was on and in the very beginning where the little lion got caught and his dad was going after him.  My daught who is 20 months old teared up and got that look that kids get when they are about to start balling, all she kept say over and over again was dada dada dada dada.  I had to turn it of and tell her that dada was not on there he was in heaven, and to calm her down let her watch Bareny who we tell her is sleeping after 7pm.  I tell ya I think about the Drs and the other people who tell me it will get easier/ but I have to tell ya right now even though I know ya are trying to make me feel better, PLEASE lets not say that.  because my 20month old and I are in the same boat right now.  We do not understand why the man that used to come home smelling of pizza and chasing us around the living room is know longer doing this, and I do not understand how dr and I use that term lossely can sit there tell you 5yrs ago everything is ok and all is going to be just fine,and were is he, sleeping in his comfy bed why I am up again at almost 6 am which I have not been to bed yet because these are the things on my mind.  I have lost everything except for that Angel sleeping in the bed beside me, My mind is hanging in and my BFFs who where there right up until the funneral, well I have heard from them a total of 5xs in 5 months.  Now my family they are a blessing and I thank god everyday for them, but I know I am wereing on them as well.  My dr had taken my off work yet again and put me on a medication which I think is doing more worse then good.  My family states I am diff in a bad way and will not even let me drive a car because I wrecked the second day I was on the meds.  My mom says I argue with them all yet I still take Great care of my duaghter.  I forget things easily which gets me upset and I do not like to go out as much.  I am worried about work as I have 2 months of family medical leave left and would like to save them.  People have been telling me to quit all together and collect disablity/  That is not me though.  I feel if I could just get through this I would be able to work.  I just need to get through this and it does not help working at the same place where you met at.  So many things going through my mind I just wish I could stop the pain, but I am not stuiped I know better.  He was my soul mate and I will never have that love again.  Just wish I could talk with my famiy about this but it brings them down or they try to make me feel good by making jokes and that is not what I need.  And I also do not need to hear it will get better and what would he want you too do.  I just need to be sad. that is all and I need someone to be sad with me.  know one wants that job right now.  I am getting used to doing things alone this is just one more thing.  sorry about all the mispelled words no sleep equals that/

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Your husband would be so heartbroken if he could return for a day and see how you are living without him. He would want you to live each day with a passion for life - a wonderful role model for your daughter. Your husband wants the best for you and he wants you to not forget him & the wonderful past you shared but he knows you should also look ahead in life and try to get the most out of it. Easier said than done.
Any support groups available through your local hospital/clinic? I helps to talk to someone who has gone through a similar thing who are not friends/family.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn

You poor dear, I\'m so sorry for your pain. Know that I understand for I lived in that pit too after my husband died of lung cancer. You are doing what\'s right. Your taking care of your daughter and yourself and that\'s just what your suppose to do. Your husband is proud of you and he looks down at you with love and affection. You can\'t do everything, so don\'t try. Just do what you can and be patient with yourself. Grief is a journey and you\'re right the loneliness doesn\'t go away. We just accept and learn to life again the life we\'ve been given, not the life we planned. I\'m here if you need to talk. Sharon