Anniversary

Today is our anniversary. I thought he would forget, not want to mention it, but my H is full of surprises. He's been attentive, gave me a massage this morning, upbeat, happy, loving and doting. He went to work and has text me numerous times today to express his love. I've been "AP CLEAN" since the end of April. I've had no social media since then either. It's so weird to not have it, but then again, it's refreshing too. I have no FB, IG, or any other communication app other than texts on my phone. I feel disconnected from the outside world just because everyone posts their updates there, but at the same time, I feel more connected with my H than I have in a long time. I feel truly lucky to be given another chance.
Something did happen that bothered me a bit. I knew my H had the habit of putting a voice recorder in my van. I know that it seems sneaky, but I justified it as he felt he needed to get to the bottom of things when he felt like I had an EA going...however, I recently came across the voice recorder and there are recordings on it from when I wasn't even having an EA. And they are from the house. He had set them up in our house, from what I can discern, behind the microwave, and once in our bedroom. But they are dated, and I KNOW I wasn't speaking to anyone at the time...so it makes me wonder, WHAT ABOUT ME does he notice differently when he thinks I'm having an EA? If you read my story, you know I've had 2 different EA's, one EA was a few different times...but each time he said he could tell because I was different. There was something off about me and his "meter" went off. So looking at the recordings, and seeing the date on them, it makes me wonder---am I EVER going to be trusted--am I EVER NOT going to give him a vibe of something is off with me? Is this the reason for his mood swings and change in his mannerisms with me? What is it?

Replies

gravinggirl
gravinggirl

At this point, the voice recorder seems violating, especially in your own home. Have you been able to talk about it with him and agree on a more reasonable boundary than that?
esperanza2002
esperanza2002

I\'ve tried before. But it always comes back to the same thing...I was the one in the wrong in the first place, and he believes when you are married you give up personal boundaries. We should be able to go through each others phones, emails, laptops, and even use voice recorders if we want, whenever we want, because if we had nothing to hide and weren\'t doing anything wrong, we wouldn\'t care anyhow. The files are over a year old. They are dated, and the thing that really bothered me was the fact that I KNOW the date I started talking to my AP and resumed our EA...and these dates are way off....so what about me made him think I was having an EA? It\'s like if I\'m too happy, I\'m having and EA...if I\'m too sad, I\'m having an EA...if I eat, if I don\'t eat, anything---it causes him to think I\"m having an EA. But he would just say, it\'s the boat I put myself in....
gravinggirl
gravinggirl

That is too bad. In therapy, when couple boundaries came up, the therapist said we needed to set them where we both felt comfortable. Personal boundaries are our own, and I think routine eavesdropping is a violation. It would make me feel unsafe and thus harm intimacy. Sharing passwords would be less of a big deal, although any snooping kind of violates the privacy of the person on the other end as well. For instance, what if a friend or family member wants to confide in you?
shoretimenow
shoretimenow

I kinda agree with GG, I would continue to communicate with him.

Are you guys in counseling?

I had an EA my H discovered many years ago, (prior to PA)..... He occasionally mentions that STILL. My H also wants to have full access to everything and thinks there should be complete password sharing etc.

It could just be he needs more time, it\'s only been less than two months, but he certainly sounds like he is devoted to you.

I also seem to know a lot of couples that have joint social media accounts.
minspa
minspa

Hey esperanza, I would not be cool with any invasion of personal space. I don\'t think it\'s right or wrong to share passwords/social media accounts/email/whatever with your spouse. If you both want to, fine. If not, that\'s fine too. I am the kind of person who likes privacy and personal space, so that would NOT fly with me. It doesn\'t necessarily mean I am hiding anything, but I am a private person and function better in a relationship when I don\'t feel like I am being monitored.
esperanza2002
esperanza2002

I do feel uneasy about the voice recorder. Not so much my email. I don\'t have social media anymore, but I didn\'t mind too much about that either. I don\'t know WHY the voice recorder bothers me so much more. I just feel like I am not allowed one ounce of privacy. I always try to put myself in his shoes...like would I allow him an ounce of privacy? I don\'t really have an answer to that. Even though I found out about the dating websites he\'d subscribed to, the secret email and Facebook he created...it somehow feels different because he didn\'t actually DO anything on the dating websites, and the email was just to create them...the Facebook to monitor me. So I feel like it\'s not the same thing....
shoretimenow
shoretimenow

He subscribed to dating websites?
Two wrongs don\'t make a right.
And you guys are absolutely right about the voice recorders. That\'s night right.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl

Even married people need personal time and space. Otherwise, it is enmeshment.