My story

Last year I learned that I was pregnant and I was so happy. Thrilled and excited. Everything was going perfect until I started having bad dreams and horrible feelings. I went for my 7 week check up and was told everything was fine. I went home and continued on until my 12 week check up and when the lady tried to do the ultrasound the baby was too small for the outer one so she moved to the internal one and I knew something was wrong. I looked for the heartbeat and saw that there wasn't one. All the tech did was leave the room without a word to me and I looked at my aunt who was with me and said "There is no heartbeat". She told me it could be something else and not to jump to conclusions but I had been dreaming this for weeks. I wasn't guessing I knew. Finally after 10 minutes the doctor came in and told me the news I already knew and all I could do was nod. I felt numb and wished my mom was there instead of my aunt. He said the baby had died at 7 weeks and all I could think about was I was just here....just looking at that tiny heart beat at 7 weeks! How could this happen.....He said since my body hasn't started the miscarriage yet he asked if we could schedule a DNC for tomorrow and I just broke down and started crying. My aunt looked at the doctor and said "It's her birthday tomorrow, can't we wait till Monday?" Happy Birthday to me. So he agreed and set it up for Monday and I went home. To be honest I know my entire family was relieved to find out because the dad had some problems and was a pyscho but I was devastated. My birthday came and went, no one would leave me alone for fear of what I might do or maybe just to cheer me up and take my mind off things but I still had to work since I was going to need two days off for the minor surgery.
So I went to work and started to have the miscarriage. I called the on call doctor and she said if its very light bleeding to just wait it out if it got heavier to call again, this was a friday. Saturday I was feeling better still light bleeding so I went to work again. Bad idea. Cramping to the extreme I had never felt. before. No bleeding just cramping so I called the doctor again. She said to wait it's just my body preparing and to call if there was heavy bleeding. I finish my shift and I tell my manager that I am not coming in tomorrow because I most likely will be in the middle of a miscarriage and she just looks at me like I'm crazy, she took me off the schedule but I think she was concerned for my sanity for saying that with such a straight face and calm voice. What else can you do when you are faced with this problem? I go home, eat some dinner and go to bed. Around 2am I wake up to the worst pain I'd every felt in my life. I immediately went to the bathroom and blood just came gushing out. I had no idea what to do. I tried calling the on call nurse but they wouldn't answer I don't blame them at 2am! So I'm sitting on the toilet bleeding like ounces of blood/tissue every few seconds and also going number 2 uncontrollably, probably from all the cramping and my body trying to expel the baby. Then I feel this small little circle solid object come out of me and into the toilet. I'm panicking I don't know if I should keep it or just flush it down the toilet. I don't have gloves or a plastic bag or a jar to put it in if I did. No doctor would answer the phone and my mom wouldn't either (it's like 3am now). I felt hopeless, and scared. So I just flushed. I know now I should have tried to save it for the doctors as they had asked me if I did but I told them I was never told to, and I didn't know how to. I do know that I regret it and I wish I hadn't....
So I called work to tell them I wasn't coming in for sure at like 4am when my pain level went down and then my mom finally woke up to me calling her and she came over to my house to find me sitting on the toilet wrapped in a blanket naked and crying. She put me to bed and promised to come back later after I got some sleep. We called the doctor and they said to come in to the hospital and they would do a Ultrasound to see if we still needed to do the DNC and that the doctor was going to call the hospital and put it in my notes that I had a miscarriage that night. Finally it's Monday so my mom takes me in and they are about to stick me with a needle and send me into surgery when I say shouldn't  I be getting an ultrasound first? Then things get crazy but the end up giving me one, and decide I need to have the DNC because there is left behind tissue. We go through with the process, and they send me home. I go home take one perk and one ibuprofen and slept for the next 12 hours. The next day my ex comes over to help rid my house of anything baby related. Apparently he thought I couldn't/shouldn't be looking at the crib and stroller and car seat I already had set up and put together...I told him I was perfectly capable of touching my dead babies stuff and to let me take it out to the car so we can store it at my moms house. I laugh at that now because I was hurting and I wanted him to hurt too and he knew and let me say what I want. Mind you this ex is not the one that got me pregnant. That psycho was kicked out before I had the miscarriage for cheating on me in my own house while I was home! A******. Then he had the nerve to say I was lying about the miscarriage. Grr! He said he wanted to be there for the DNC for proof and grieving process crap. Hell no! I sent him a picture of the paperwork proving that it was a miscarriage and not an abortion which he said I was doing. I would never! Oh he still makes me angry!
So weeks and months pass by and I move to Arizona. Changed my life and surroundings to lead a more active lifestyle and maybe get on with my life. I find a new boyfriend tell him all my baggage and he seems okay with it. Now Christmas comes around. We were supposed to have three new babies at Christmas time. My brothers, mine, and my cousin. Sadly mine wasn't there and all the things we had planned to do just wouldn't leave my thoughts. It was so hard even though I wasn't there I saw pictures of the new babies there and could imagine what all they were doing and all I could think about was I was supposed to be there too, with my little one. It's now been over a year since my miscarriage and my thoughts and actions are consumed with babies. I can't stop thinking about it. I have this whole in my heart that I thought I could fill by moving to Arizona and finding a boyfriend, but I have come to realize I just want him to get me pregnant. I have been with him 6 months and all I want from him is a baby. That's so wrong of me to do that to him and I don't know what to do. 
 
This is my story and if you read it all, thanks.