Counselling went well yesterday, we talked about how bad work has been for me and at one point she was so concerned she attempted to get ahold of my phschiatrist but of course there was no answer. I phoned his office later and was told I cannot see him until June I will just have to wait even though the meds aren't working, my work situation has drastically changed, and my uncle killed himself 3 months ago under the care of the same fuckin doctor. Pill pusher who doesnt give a rats ass other then getting his pay check.
I went to the clinic for my results, blood work came back everything is normal, xrays show everything is normal, I asked about my toe and the doctor examined it and needs to run more tests but most likely mortons neuroma and I may need surgery. I only intended on getting my test results at the clinic and getting the hell outa there but as I was in the waiting room this toddle was screaming so damn loud and running around and these 2 teenagers wouldnt shut the fuck up and I broke I burst into tears asked the nurse for my results and told her my anxiety and depression doesnt allow me to be able to tolerate other peoples out of control children. I sat in the room crying the whole time and I finally decided it was time to tell my mother the truth I txted her and told her" mom dont be upset and dont tell anyone I dont want dad upset, but I dont want to live, I dont want to die, and I wouldnt harm myself but thats wat everyone says before they finally end it. My mom came to the clinic to be with me thank god because I needed her to back me up I couldnt say the words that needed to be said. I told the doctor my intention was not to have a break down in your office I just want my test results this is just how I am everyday before and after work. The Doctor gave me the best advice I have ever heard " do not quit smoking you will kill someone" I couldnt believe he said it right infront of my mom but its true I couldnt even imagine quitting right now there are too many stressors in my life. The doctor was so concerned about my work environment he gave me a note putting me off on sick leave until they can run further tests and find out whats going on in my head because the leg pain apparently doesn't exist at all, but he said its not in my head so how can I be in pain for no reason and its not my mind doing it to me. I dont know whats real and whats fake anymore. I have never been this low in my life.
I have been crying all week, I took 3 clonazepam(evenly spaced out) yesterday and was still in full blown break down. I guess I have to face the monster, my boss and tell him that he is going to have to stop ignoring the fact that bevs on sick leave and start hiring because me and kim are going off on sick leave within the next 2 weeks. I will stay to train someone but I can't do much more then that. Mentally I am just not myself, making stupid mistakes, feeling worthless, no sex drive, no desire to leave my home, no desire to see my friends mostly because I am embarrassed about what a mess I am.
RIP Kurt Cobain <3 You will always be my inspiration <3