I want to drift away, fade away, let go. Reality is bullshit, why does everyone want this of me? I can't do it. I'm in danger, serious danger of letting it happen again, getting immersed in a painful but beautiful world in my own mind. Can anything IRL compare? Fuck no. There has to be another option, I want it BACK, I can't make do with mundane bullshit!

Months now, I can't read ANYTHING at night unless it's dull and dry. I told you this already. I was getting way too excited downstairs, thinking of myself as a character in a show again. Thinking about my pose for the opening credits. Does that count as a delusion?

I want to be HAPPY again. I want to throw a javelin through the sky like in that apple commercial and have it shatter, maybe it'd work, you don't know.

And life ("life") needs to quit triggering me with pics of scarred faces. I don't want to go for 3 years... No, 4! In a row of trying that. Not like it'd really matter.

Found a good bipolar blog: natashatracy.com.

Seriously. This world is horseshit because there's no Dr. Smith. Season 3 is haunting me.

Hope Internet is back up tomorrow.