Young Widows Community Group

This is a group for people who lost there partners at a young age. Come here for support and to offer encouragement to other people who have lost their partners.

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llonely nights/no sex

Mis my Husband dearly. Miss the cuddling and hugs and relations! Having a hard time. Been going through the hornyness! Not easy and just wondering if anyone else has or is still having this problem? Tried walking, reading, cold showers,and etc,etc. To no avail. Need some pointers. BTW, I am very much fearful of starting a relationship with another man. Let alone have sex with them! Help!
Cinnamon

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Perhaps this was too blunt. it appears no one else is going through. Not asking for partners or anything like that just want to get through the night.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I can understand what you are feeling I myself longing for that part of the relationship I had with my wife. It will probaboy sound weird, but I have been giving those feelings to God and some times it works, other times I just think about the other parts of the relationship tha I shared with her. A lot of the times I am like you and wait it out until it passes which for me can be a long time. I don't know if any of this will help but I too am figuring out how live without the one I had been with for twenty years. Take care
Jim
deleted_user
deleted_user

I know what you mean. Even 7 Months before my husband died he was unable to have sex, and as time went on he lost even physical closeness with me. Even kisses and holding hands were mechanical. For him I think it was that one of his tumors was at the base of the spine..it affects everything male. I even broke down crying one night because I had started to think of other guys. Definitely not something people talk about with cancer, and I think that makes it one of the hardest things. Now that he's gone I still go nuts wanting to have romance and sex. It's enough to drive you crazy, and it hurts on a level that being "horny" doesn't even come close to. Haven't got an answer, but I get it.
deleted_user
deleted_user

it's a reality. you are not too blunt. you are a human and you miss the touch of another.
totally natural. i had the same feelings. do whatever you have to do. if you feel like you need to get laid, maybe you can find an "activity partner" with no strings attached.
men are different from women, perhaps we can be casual about sex, then again, woman can too, so. all i am saying is, its natural, nothing to feel weird about. if you are used to this and now it is not happnening, it can feel like another loss.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are not alone. Before losing my husband, there was a significant amount of time wherein we lacked physical intimacy (sex, cuddling, kissing). After realizing it wasn't me, my focus became his well being and comfort. Now that he's gone; I need more comforting than sex, really (although it would be nice...) I cope by reminding myself that one day I will find another... There are days when I hope it happens sooner than later; but there are other days when I feel as though I can wait an eternity. Thanks for your entry.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Intimacy with my wife and myself was pretty much limited to hugging and kissing for sometime before she passed away, I had four young kids to look after, money problems, virtually no support and a mental battle to prevent it all getting to us, especially with my poor wife.
After 18 months of this and a funeral I had to arrange and fund totally by myself along with all the other morbid things I needed to do plus consoling my kids, I felt an enormous relief, emotions which had been suppressed begin to come to the surface and thus began the process of grieving. Of course we all know what a rollercoaster that is and how long it can take, well one most prominent emotion I had was for sex, lots of it, total abandonment and as kinky as anyone who wanted to help felt like applying.I was vulnerabe, just as so many are when on an emotional journey such as ours. I had several offers of casual sex, took one person up but to be honest I felt empty and very unfulfilled despite the pleasure I got from it.
I became involved with a gorgeous woman and had a wonderful time...at times anyway, she began to show issues which made me very unhappy and forced me to end it after a few months, despite the negative ending, it showed me I needed more than good sex when entering a relationship, I now understand when a woman says how she needs a man to care, the romance and soundness of a relationship before embarking on a physical one.
Men really are the same as women in this department, many ladies can have casual sex and not regret it just as so many men are assumed to, the reasons for sex vary greatly and I think this is the difference, not their attitude towards needing it, regardless of gender.
I am now seeing a wonderful lady, we're keeping it quiet as there are complications with her divorce and kids' loyalties but I now feel I would not want anyone else or feel I might be missing out anywhere else in this area, I guess I've grown up sexually as I feel more content as I ever have when it cones to needing sex. We all need physical experiences with other humans, there must be something wrong if we don't and should talk to someone should this be the case, what we mustn't do is feel guilty for our feelings, no matter how soon after we are widowed, our choices are for the future, our past is what it was...past, life is so short, get out there and grab a big chunk, we all deserve to especially after all we've been through...A
deleted_user
deleted_user

So interested to hear Im not alone! Excellent topic that I've wanted to so pose myself. I was married for 12 years (we dated for 5) before my husband died at the age of 39. Sex was a daily thing for us and cuddling at night was a must. It was like we were molded into one. We fit so well together. How do I find something like that again?? -- Never will -- but I am trying to find some comfort somewhere. The thought of being ALONE is a scary one but I have faith there is a purpose for eveything. I believe I will be with someone again someday and I have faith that my husband is even a part of finding that right person at the right time.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I must admit I miss the physical comfort, cuddles and giving and receiving pleasure which comes from an intimate relationship. We were very touchy feely and always caressing and holding and touching each other up. Sex was very regular until she fell ill. So it is now five months and I am like a horney teenager again at 50! It is a very difficult issue that I am struggling with. So many pretty women everywhere. I have a strong faith and principles which I will not compromise. These arfe big issues to deal with and I find this forum helpful to share these things. I believe ultimate intimacy is for marriage so I am waiting for my next princess to come along.
deleted_user
deleted_user

My husband passed away 8/23 and the brain fog is just starting to lift. I am starting to get back to reality and I don't like it very much. I am starting to feel the need to be held close and touched. It' too soon, but I am definately lonely in that area.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It has been four months since my wife passed away, and I have to tell you there have been some very confusing times concerning the intimatcy area of my life, I long for the touch, cuddling and I agree with confused it is still to early for me. Jpflynn is right ultmate intimatcy is for marriage, so I am doing my best to let God lead me to the woman he wants me to be with. The hard part is to conform to the world's standard and go find whoever to satisfy the cravings that swell up form within. Be well all, take Care and God Bless
deleted_user
deleted_user

I recently lost my wife 1 month 8 days ago. She was 29. Our relationship was very happy and blessed. We touched hugged and kissed and yes made love almost every chance we got- now that she's gone i dont have that anymore. Like you said Cin-showers do help - but also it's normal to feel that way- cause I do, and if not oh well I can't control my feelings, but so far it's under control for me due to the fact that I still havent fully digested my situation-dont whats wrong with me cause I feel numb really most times.
Donnamarie319
Donnamarie319

I can certianly relate to the feelings everyone has been expressing about this topic. For me it's been a little over 6 months but in reality it's been a lot longer (about 5 years!) than that because my husband had other mental/physical health issues which had occurred prior (and were unrelated) to his death. Due to those issues, intimacy between us had become severely limited/nearly non-existent. I was only 46 when practically "everything" stopped and I've only recently turned 51. I never imagined I'd be in this sort of place at this time in my life and although I want very much to feel loved (in all ways) again, I'm at the same time almost afraid of giving my heart to someone and getting hurt. Then again, the thought of the possibility that I might spend the rest of my life alone is equally horrifying. I guess there are no easy answers for any of this, are there? Donna
deleted_user
deleted_user

There seems to be no easy answers to anything anymore. My cousin who was alone for many years finally gave up on trying to find someone decent. Out of the blue she met some one quite by accident. I guess if it is meant to be it will happen. Mary Anne
deleted_user
deleted_user

It is best to figure out what your triggers are. When you were married your husband or wife if your a guy knew what these were and after you get married there is no reason to hide them from your mate or protect them and you may have forgotten what they were or perhaps developed some new ones over the course of time as we all change. Some people are more sensative to touch all over or just certain parts of their bodies. Some people are super sensative to sounds and words especially if you tend to be verbal. Some people tend to be stimulated by sight and others smell or a combination of some or all of the above.

First of all your normal and it happens to most people who have lost a spouse sooner or later and in verying degrees. I just look at it as you had a healthy marriage, but now you have to take some time to relearn some things and sort out some things and learn how to take care of you and that does not mean self satisfaction.

Many people to don't talk about the subject for many reasons one of which could be just talking about it is more than they can handle as it would trigger a battle in them they would rather avoid. I don't blame them.

First of all try to stablize yourself and be honest with yourself at all times. By stablize I mean surround yourself with safe people who can give you hugs, hold your hand and shower you with encouragement and positive thinking. You may have to ask for it. Family and my womens bible study group and women I work with filled this need for me. For women it should be other women and for men it should be other men unless you are bi or gay and then I have no clue what to tell you on that one, but I am sure these people can figure it out from what I write is best for them. I knew there are a few here that have lost a life partner who experience the same thing. Someone once told me you need 7 meaningful hugs every day for mental stability and I would have to agree. It's a bench mark to shoot for. If your getting these things it will make the other points easier.

Second if you are gratifying yourself sexually stop! It takes time and it will not happen over night but continuing to stimulate yourself will only make things worse as self stimulations actually increases your appitite for more as it is not satisfying sexually. Your body knows the difference and will crave the real thing until you starve it into submission or feed it. If you feed it, it will only be hungry for more later. It is a visious cycle.

Third while practicing self discipline note down what your triggers are and make a game plan to avoid them until you can control yourself. Note the really bad triggers you may have to avoid perminantly until you find someone to marry whom you can give permission to indulge with and not before because having sex out side of marriage will only make choosing a really nice guy or gal more challenging because you may not be thinking with your brain after having gone so long without any. Don't worry about testing to see if you can add some activities back after a while there will be plenty of people out there that will test you with out knowing what your struggles are. You will know when you feel strong enough and in control enough to resume normal activities like flirting or dancing or just talking on the phone or reading romance novels.

Fourth and this is key for me and I would have to say for many who are Christian. Renew your mind by reading scripture and memorizing verses. Write a verse down and keep it in your pocket and when your thought life goes in a direction that would allow it to dwell to long on something pleasing and stimulating redirect it with reading the scripture out loud. If the temptation comes in the form of an outside stimulous, bounce the eye, leave the room, shut the internet off, get a good filter for such inappropriate advertisments or purchase your internet from a provider that does this for you or go without computer, tv, magazinesor novels if that is what is your achileas heal and rebuke the enemy loud enough for you to hear it but not loud enough for the rest of the world to hear it unless it becomes necessary. Get an accountability partner to share this with who will not pass judgement on you but hold you accountable to your goals, dreams and values so you do not compromise and regret it later on.

Fifth, give yourself time to heal. Don't jump in, think you have to jump into the dating scene just to find some kind of relief at someone else's expense and don't tell yourself it's okay because they need it too. Do not rationalize your actions. Respect others and do unto them only as you would want someone to do unto you. If you don't like to be used and abused why would you do it to someone else? Haveing sex with someone creates a bond mentally, emotionally and physically. While it may initially seem to have a reset or stabelizing effect on you when you finally come to your senses and realize this person isn't anyone you would ever consider being married to for the rest of your life you may have caused too much damage and you start the grieving process all over again. Why would you do that to yourself? It is hell enough going through this once. Just go through it, get it over with and then when you know you can rightly handle it go for it.

Sixth, pray pouring out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Get into your Bible and read His word. It is only in reading His word that you will clearly hear him speak to you and give you solid direction just for you. Prayer is our communication with Him, read His word is His communication with us.

I have a list of books I am going to recommend in a seperate post so that those not interested in this post might also benefit from checking them out.
deleted_user
deleted_user

As I have said elsewhere there is a time and place to offer a religious perspective to being a young widow or widower. I am not convinced that posting to this group with a somewhat narrow Christian bias is entirely helpful to most of the younger readers for whom the group is intended.