Looking for the loopholes. Looking for the loopholes. Yes, he has 9 out of 10 traits, BUT that 1 that he does not have, that is the one that is going to save this relationship. But you can't save an illusion. It was never real, it was always fake. It was REAL to you. It felt real, it felt perfect, but he was never what he told you he was.

It is FAKE because they have no ability to bond. Do you understand that? Their attachments are surface. That is why they can toss you aside with the devalue and then discard you like a used kleenex. Some Narcs have walked away from 30 year marriages and never said another word to their children. Ask BlueShoes about that. As if they never existed. They have an attachment disorder. They live in a fantasy world and as long as you are willing to provide an uncracked mirror to them and simply worship them and never have a need of your own, then everything is just fine.

When you truly grasp the fact that you are nothing but an object to the Narc then you know what it is fake. You are nothing to them. They invented the term objectifacation. When you sit on your comfy couch, do you ask the couch if it minds? No, because it is an object. Well the N sees you exactly that same way. As a disposable object. They attach to you in order to control you, but they never bond. God that was hard for me to understand. That he loved me the way I loved my iphone. It was so fun, and shiny and new, with all these cool apps!!! Then one day I dropped it and it cracked. What could I do? It was an object, it was broken, I threw it away and got a new one. You are his iphone and you can be tossed just as quickly.

Your relationship will thrive as long as you are able to feed their narcissistic needs. However, no one is a complete robot and sooner or later the partner of a narcissist will question him, dispute him, or have her own needs that she wants met.

In your case, you lost your mother. You had the nerve to need to grieve and ask for support. When that happens, it is when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan. Different scenarios can happen. The narcissist fly off in a rage, sulk, become violent or walk out. The bliss of the partnership starts to disintegrate and no longer thrives.

What a true narcissist is actually saying is, I am so sad about my illusions being shattered. I thought SHE was my soulmate but shes not perfect (the way I imagined her to be).She would not give me the unconditional love I deserve.

Ns want unconditional love (meaning you over look everything they do: lying, cheating, stealing, abusing, exploiting you) but the REFUSE to give it back. It is a one way relationship. You do all the giving, they do all the taking.

Once REALITY (responsibility, reliability, real problems) shatters the narcissists notions of Ideal Love, you are seen as the CAUSE.

What the narcissist is doing is grieving the LOSS of his fantasies. Also, do not assume that the loss you are feeling is what he is feeling. He may be sad alright, but its all about HIS fantasy being shattered because the object-of-his-affection could not live up to his expectations.

When the object of their affection fails to reflect their perfection, its time to Move On to the next object.

Remember, the narcissists lack of attachment says NOTHING about you. All it says is that Ns are incapable of emotional attachment to anyone. They are NOT suffering, though. We are.

Every second of their lives they are searching and searching and searching. For something to make the pain and hate they feel about themselves go away. But it aint happening. So they go through woman after woman looking for the perfect love. Find it for a time and then discover this woman has feelings of her own, is not perfect, does not think everything they say and do is right, and ooops, time to move on to the next victim.

I also think narcissists are intent on creating the Image of love and desirability for themselves. As long as they can prove they are sexy or attractive or desirable, they can project fault and blame for the failed relationship on their prior partner(s).

Every year of your life (and you wont know it at the time), the narcissist is measuring, calculating, predicting, checking his cost and profit line and when YOU do not benefit him, welp, you end up on message boards educating people about the inevitable harm of the narcissistic relationship.

You poor thing, I know what you are going through! My ex was very similar! I used to feel was crazy and my head was spinning all the time!
I then had some counselling and coaching and started to love myself. He didn't like that he couldn't manipulate me anymore and he left me (a week after my job was made redundant). Nice, ha?
He came back about 10 days later and said that he will always love me, tried to hug me and asked if I would take him back(!!!). I said no way, after what you have put me through! You know what the self-centred narcissistic b*stard said? He said 'What, would you say no to this good looking guy?' When I told him looks weren't everything, he looked lost. I took control, filed for divorce, tried to be reasonable with him but then he just saw me as a soft touch and got abusive again, so I cut him out of my life and only taked to him through solicitors.

You are NOT crazy; they make you feel like you are, but they are sick and disturbed.

Spend your time learning to love yoruself, and remember that his opinion of you (no matter how low it is), is just an opinion; he can't value himself that much if he thinks that his partner is all the negative, horrible things he calls you. He feels inferior and puts you down so he feels better about himself. He is sad and a bully. His opinion doesn't matter; you need to start your own positive internal dialogue and build up your self-esteem. Put yourself and your needs first and then you won't put up with this nonsense!
Just doit one day at the time. You will stumble but you won't ever fail because trying is succeeding!

Believe in how wonderful you are; I made up a quote that is in my phone and I see it every day:
My self-worth is not dependent on or defined by other people's behaviour towards me; that says everything about them and nothing about me!

A xx

Suzy is right, my ex was JUST like that! I should have known as he split up with his gftobe with me and he cheated on me, then I gained self-respect and wouldn't supply him anymore, so he found another woman and moved straight in with her, not caring (after 6 years together) that I just lost my job; Iwas just an object to him. And so is the new woman, as long as she feeds his ego. Once she stops doing that, he will discard her too. What really helped me to move on is the fact that he will NEVER change!!! I used to torture myself with the fact that he will be with someone else and that he will treat them well and love them (at the time I didn't realise that he already WAS living with another woman! He lied and said there was noone else, and I didn't even know that he wanted tomove out because until the day before he moved out, he was telling me that he loved me and didn't give me any indication that he wanted out...I told him I did, as soon as I found a new job, so he saw that as me abandoning him and of course he had to beat me to it!) It was stupid of me to tell him that I wanted to divorce him and made him fly into a narcissistic rage.

Remember that the fact that you are just an object to him, doesn't descibe you, it just shows what a self-centred, shallow and empty being he is!

A xx

wow Amazon...Ithink you and me married the same N! LOL

As long as they suffer some sort of pain I am ok with that. It bothers me to think they just go on their merry way..because as much as I would like to go on my merry way I have to climb a mountain of therapies and medications before I am able to do so because of the trauma he caused me. If hes endlessly searching because of the pain and hate he feels about himself as long as it causes him discomfort then I can revel in that. I feel he should suffer in some way.

The devalue is very, very toxic. You will not realize how damaged you are being until you leave the relationship and have a few months of NC to gain perspective. The problem is that you are becoming accustomed to his treatment and that is very dangerous. This guy sounds like nothing but a bully who just wants someone to pick on to make him feel better about himself and it makes me feel very, very sad you are going through this.
Remember, every conversation, your self esteem will sink a little lower. Remember, every conversation, his feeling of power and superiority will increase that he is getting away with treating you like this. That is all he is getting out of this. The feeling of superiority a bully gets when he picks on that kid in school who doesn't stand up to him.
This man sounds dangerous and believe me, most if not all of us know how utterly hard it is to leave. But please, you deserve more than this. There is zero good that occurs within an abusive relationship.